“No, it’s friendship. Can’t we be friendsstill?”
“It’s not a good idea,Ryan.”
I put my hand over my stomach to settle the verbal punch I just absorbed. I felt ill in every way possible. I swallowed the lump in my throat, took a deep breath andnodded.
“I understand. It’sokay.”
Fuck the elevator. I turned and opened the door to the stairs. I held my breath down four flights of stairs and exhaled loudly when I got outside into the alley. On the walk to the bus stop, I came to the realization that nothing would ever last for me. Nothing could stand the test of time. Not even a friendship. Tiffany was the first woman that held my heart, and that I gave my heart over to. She’d be the last because the pain I was feeling over the loss of her wasagonizing.
As I sat on the bus, I started to put myself back together. By the time I had been able to breathe again normally, and without feeling pain in my chest, I had made a decision. I had decided that it was best to never, ever let anyone get close to me. No more friends. I also decided that I was done with my family. They weren’t going to wreck the rest of mylife.
Absolutely fuckingdone.
Chapter Eleven
May2004
Thingsfor the rest of my sophomore year had gone from bad to worse. I never made it to all of my classes each week, and my grades were barely passable. I began taking shifts in the gym during the evenings, so I would avoid seeing Skyler and Dave asmuch.
No more friends for me. I learned once about how that shit goes. I’d like to just be able to shrug Tiffany off and say “fuck it” we weren’t compatible. The truth of the matter was that I wasn’t a good friend. I had a dick though, and that’s where my worth and value as a person wasat.
For weeks after my father’s funeral, I tried pulling my head out of my ass. I hadn’t been sleeping much at home. I’d try, but I’d lay there with a rock in the pit of my stomach. It felt like molten rocks floating in a cauldron of fire. I started popping over the counter antacids like they were candy, but nothing helped. The only place that I was able to relax was at the pier. I would take small naps there that ended up overlapping withclasses.
I had a pile-up of emails and phone messages from my mom and brother. I hadn’t answered any of them. I didn’t fucking care anymore. I even had some message from Marie still offering to make me “feelbetter.”
The only thing that I had been able to accomplish and continue my responsibility to was baseball. I still made every practice, every game and worked my ass off in the gym. Even though I was hustling my ass off, I worried that my coaches seemed concerned. Weeks after my father’s death, my coach called me to his office and asked me if everything was okay. I explained that I had broken up with my girlfriend and had been distracted. The girlfriend that I never reallyhad.
By the middle of the semester and about a month after my dad died, I was called to my advisor’s office to discuss my plans for the future. It was a bad time for me because I had fallen into a phase ofdepression.
“Your athletic scholarship ends in May, Ryan. Have you thought about what you’re going to do nextyear?”
I shook my head. Next year? I couldn’t even think much pasttomorrow.
“Ryan, you need toplan.”
I tried snapping out of it for the sake of the meeting. I just wanted to get out of there and go to the pier. I physically ached and needed some peace from all thatpressure.
“Now, I can discuss things with the athletic department and see if they’re willing to extend the scholarship for your next twoyears.”
“Okay. I’d like that. I do have some money saved for school,” I managed toadmit.
Other kids would probably be overjoyed that they had been able to save some money for school. But I reminded myself the means that I went through to save thatmoney.
Every few days, I was clearing out emails from my mom and brother. My mom was up to her usual self, begging for me to come over. Fuck that shit. I was deleting all of them until her most recent one caught myeye.
Baby,
Your brother’s in jail again. I need your help. Baby, my check can’t cover the mortgage, and without your brother’s help, I won’t be able to make ends meet. Please come over for the ladies. I’ll even let you keep some of the money. I’m desperate,baby.
I shook my head and flopped backward on the couch. I hated myself for considering this. But Chad wouldn’t be there, and I’d get to keep some of the money that I would be able to use for school nextyear.
I thought that the money would make me feel better. I felt worse as I walked to the bus stop after I had spent a Saturday letting my mom’s “friends” do as they pleased. Before making it home, I stopped at the ATM and deposited the fifteen hundred dollars that I made off my body. I let this go on for each weekend for amonth.
One friend of my mom’s was there each weekend, and I think it’s safe to say that she became a little obsessed over me. One evening as I left, she followed me in her car to the busstop.
“Ryan, I can give you a lift,” she called out from behind her rolled downwindow.
I looked ahead at the bus stop. It was so crowded that I knew I’d have to wait for the next bus. But I didn’t want her to know where I livedeither.
