“Ry-Ry, I was going to make it better for you. I know you miss your father and have missed him since you sent him away.” When I shook my head, she turned sideways to face me and folded her arms across her chest. “Do you have any idea how many times your father was beaten, or worse, in prison? All because of you, Ryan. Now, I’ll be in the lobby waiting for you. I’ll have you feeling better in no time.” She turned to leave, and over her shoulder, she sarcastically said, “About two to threeminutes.”
I looked down but didn’t fight the smirk on my face. I hated her. I hated my mother. I hated my brother. I hated all of them, and I was fuckingdone.
My body was rigid with tension from trying to keep myself together during this funeral service. I could feel myself shake as I gave one final look at my dad’s casket, waiting to be lowered into the ground. I walked towards the small road where many of the cars had been parked alongside the grass. My mother’s annoying cackle could be heard in the short distance. My guess was she had been high. She was weird on the car ride there, so I was assuming she took one of her many pills. I loosened my tie and continued my walk to get the fuck out ofhere.
“Ryan.”
I slowed my pace and looked to my left in the direction of my name being called. A heavy set man approached me causing me to stop in my tracks. I recognized him. He was a fucker from the trainyard.
“I wanted to say that I am sorry, Ryan,” hesaid.
I frowned at him and gestured with my head in the direction of my mom somewhere behind me and towards the road where my brother wasat.
“You might want to pass your condolences over my dad to my mom and brother. It would mean something to them, I’msure.”
I started to walk away, and he walkedalongside.
“I mean, I wanted to tell you that I am sorry for what I did to you when you were aboy.”
I stopped walking and stared at him. I gripped the inside of my pockets as tight as I could to hold myself together. Why was he apologizing now? Here. He looked over my shoulder in my mother’s direction which caused me to turn and look. She was still back at the grave site laughing with other train yard workers. Probably aboutme.
“For years I lived with the guilt. I was in therapy for it. Then the newspaper came out with a small article about the local boys playing for the Trojans. There you were. Every bit of guilt came rushing back in. What I did to you as a boy was wrong. I had to tell you that I’msorry.”
I stood there and nodded. I wanted to hit him so hard, but I just kept gripping the inside of mypants.
“You were a good kid, and no kid deserves to get messed up likethat.”
I forced my mouth open for air. I had been holding my breath and with all of my head congestion, breathing calmly through my nose wasn’t anoption.
“I want you to know that I burned thepictures.”
This was just getting worse, and nodding was the only thing I could do. I had wondered what happened to thepictures.
“I’m sorry,Ryan.”
“It’s okay, thanks,” I gave him a final short nod to indicate I accepted his apology and that I needed togo.
I briskly crossed the road to a narrow path that led to the building where the funeral services had been held. I didn’t dare go in there since Marie was waiting for me. I took the long route around the building, fighting a mix of tears and anger as Iwent.
I had to keep moving because I felt like I would explode if I stopped. I made it to the bus stop and took it to my pier. I spent the day there, alone. I felt angry and like everything was building up. My stomach had hurt allday.
By five, I headed back to the bus. I needed a friend. Skyler and Dave didn’t know anything about what was going on, and it would take too much to tell them. Tiffany didn’t know either, but she had always respected my need for quietness. I hadn’t called and hated to just show up like this, but I was in desperate need of company. I knocked on her apartment door and waited. When the door opened, the ex-boyfriend stood in thedoorframe.
Lifeover.
She took himback.
“Hey, how can I help you?” heasked.
“Is Tiffany here? I need to talk toher.”
“No, she’s nothere.”
I felt like my heart was beats away from giving out. Being bold out of desperation wasn’t out of the question at thispoint.
“Can I wait? Will she be gone for awhile?”
I could tell that he didn’t really like the idea, so before he declined my request, I had to dosomething.
