“Ryan, you better stop those tears, little pussy, or you’re going to be next!” Dad yelled and swung his belt at me. He was so drunk that the swing caused him to fall against thewall.
“Get out, Ryan!” Chad screamed at me. “Take your ice andgo!”
I scrambled to my feet and made it out of his room as the door was slammed in my face. I sat down by the door and cried. He was hurting Chad, and I couldn’t help him. Chad wanted me out of his room and to go away. If he hadn’t yelled at me, maybe Dad wouldn’t be in there. I was just trying to help with the ice. I looked down at the ice cube tray. The cubes were starting to melt, and some water surfaced to thetop.
I took the ice cube tray back to the kitchen, filled it back up and set it in the freezer. I went to stand in front of Chad’s door again. The sounds were so bad, and Chad’s voice sounded muffled. I could hear most of what Dad was sayingnow.
“No more crying, Chad. You aren’t a pussy boy. Ryanis.”
I opened my mouth to say something in my defense as I stared at thedoor.
“I don’t want you crying anymore. You’re twelve and almost a man now. Men don’t cry, Chad. You know I discipline you because I love you and want to see you do better. We’re going to start showing Ryan. You’re going to start showinghim.”
Suddenly, I had no desire to see or hear anymore. I ran into my room and curled up under my sheets. I pretended to be asleep and didn’t move amuscle.
Ihad been sittingon the wall, twirling the leaf in my hand, thinking about my brother. That was the last night Chad and I were friends. Everything changed starting the next day. Everything that Dad did or said, came down on me. They became best friends, and I was theirenemy.
I crumbled the leaf and watched the scattered pieces fall to the ground out of my hand. I took a deep breath and walked up the path the led me to the door. Pulling open the screen door, I got a whiff of what reminded me of home; cigarettes and liquor. I stepped into the entryway to a familiar sound: women laughing. Before everything sunk in, I heard the nickname Iloathed.
“Baby!”
My mother ran to me and threw her arms around me. Her hands felt like daggers as she scratched her nails up and down my back. Most kids sought out hugs from their parents when they visited. Not me. The hug nearly crippled me. I wiggled myself out of her arms. I hated the way I felt when she touched me. It made my stomach roll and I felthideous.
She reeked of beer and cigarettes and even had one moving up and down between her lips as she spoke tome.
“Baby, I got your email. Thank you,Chad!”
“Ryan. I’mRyan.”
I glanced at the living room. Four scantily dressed women sat around staring at me. Some were smiling while two others were whispering. I didn’t want to know what they were all up to, but I wanted out of there quickly. I moved away from my mom’s hand as she touched mystomach.
“Stop,” Ihissed.
“Baby, are you still getting the tummy aches?” She turned to face the room full of women. “His tummy bothers him all of the time. Chad would cry and cry over his tummy until hisfather—”
I looked away and backed up. I couldn’t hear this shit, and she couldn’t even get my name right. I reached in my pocket and pulled out the cash from the rest of my paycheck and held it out to her. The women behind me were laughing hysterically at my mother’s story of what Dad would do to make me stop crying about mystomach.
“Aw, thank you,baby.”
She pulled the cigarette away from her lips and leaned in to kiss me. When I turned my head to avoid her lips getting anywhere near mine, she slapped me. Laughter erupted from the living room, and embarrassment heated myface.
“Don’t you turn away from me! How dare you!” She set the cash on the small table next to the recliner Dad used to sit in. “You’ve been gone almost a year, Ryan! Off at school fucking around and playing baseball! How do you think that makes me feel? You sent your father away because you’re a pussy and couldn’t take it,” she mocked me and made it sound like what had gone on within these walls had been okay. “I’ve struggled with bills while you’ve had some college girl slut tofuck.”
My throat was dry and my face burned. It burned out of embarrassment though, not from herslap.
“I’m sorry that I interrupted whatever is going on here this afternoon. I just wanted to bring you somemoney.”
“What?” She looked confused and looked into the living room. “What do you mean, you were dropping offmoney?”
“Your email said you needed some money. I could give you most of my paycheck. It’s summer, so I’m working lots ofhours.”
My mom looked dumbfounded, and a woman spoke up from the livingroom.
“Liz, we paidfor—”
My mother waved off the woman talking in the living room. Wait, did she think I was coming over for something else? I stepped into the living room and laughed when I saw the video camera set up and Chad’s girlfriend sitting on the floor next to thetripod.
“Hey Ry-Ry,” she said tome.
