I wasn’t surprised to see the coaching staff and trainers on site already. It was customary for them to be in early to prep the facility and set the uniforms up at each locker area. Lots of players would come in early for a light workout on game days. I was veryearly.
I had just set my gear down by my locker when a few voices grew louder from the hall. Two guys from the training staff came into the locker area carrying towels for the showers. They both slowed when they sawme.
“Morning,Ryan.”
“You’re in bright andearly.”
I nodded and sat down hoping they’d keepwalking.
“Everything, okay,Ryan?”
“Yeah.”
I glanced over my shoulder at them. One of them remained while the other had taken both stacks of towels to the shower. The tape continued to pinch me as I shifted in my seat. The trainer was looking at me like it was obvious that I wasn’t okay. Or worse, that I had donesomething.
“Let me know if you need anything, Ryan. The weight room isopen.”
“Would you mind starting an ice bath for me?” Iasked.
The trainer cocked his head at me, probably trying to figure out why I needed an ice bath before the game. I had to come up with something because the trainers have the final say on ice baths and the duration ofthem.
“My brother and I got into a fight.” It wasn’t far from the truth. “My side aches and I thought it wouldhelp.”
“Are you swollen anywhere?” he asked and walked closer. He had no idea,really.
I told him that I was swollen as I leaned forward and pulled my athletic boxer briefs from my locker. I regretted the movement because the tape bit into me and my side was killingme.
“Alright, Ryan. It’ll be ready for you in a couple of minutes. No more than eight minutes. I’ll set thetimer.”
I nodded and leaned over to pull my stuff out of my bag. The tape tore at me, and I quickly stopped moving. I needed to get it off. Once the trainers were gone, I reached down in my pants and pulled gently on acorner.
“Fuck!” Ihissed.
It had crossed my mind to find the trainer, tell them that my brother and I play pranks on one another and that I needed their help with the tape. I then thought about waiting for a teammate, but all I could hear in my head were words of my brother and father about “gay teammates.” I wasn’t gay, and I didn’t want rumors to start. People were sensitive about thatshit.
I was desperate, and desperate times called for desperate measures. I grabbed a pair of scissors and went to the bathrooms and slipped into an empty stall. The closed door would give me the privacy I needed. I pushed my sweats and underwear down and stared at the mattedmess.
“Be a fucking man, Ry,” Imumbled.
While biting on the inside of my mouth, I pulled a corner away from my body and began cutting at the tightly pulled hairs. As I cut my pubes, all I could think about was how much I hated my family. My own fucking mother didthis.
I leaned against the bathroom door and stared at the patches of hair stuck to the tape. Unfucking real. I wadded up the tape and took a look down. I was messed up. My skin looked like it was coated with a white haze from the tape residue. I had large areas of hair missing, and some areas were shorter now. Most noticeable was theblood.
I tossed the ball of tape in the trash and made sure it went all the down in the can. I didn’t want that to be laying exposed and on the top in case someone got curious about a wad of duct tape with pubic hair stringing out of it. I pressed a few damp paper towels against the area and had hoped this would stop any bleeding. I gave it a few minutes and then brought the paper towels out from mypants.
“Damn.”
I hurried to the trash with it and wrapped a couple of clean paper towels around the bloody ones before throwing them away. I repeated this another two times until the bloodstopped.
I was learning how to breathe without feeling a ton of pain. Short, shallow breaths while standing still caused the least amount of pain. Fuck, how was I going to get through thegame?
I went back to my locker and changed into the athletic boxer briefs. I maneuvered into a USC baseball t-shirt and headed to my ice bath. I looked over my shoulder to make sure no one was around before I pulled my shirtoff.
The timer on the display had been set to zero and when both of my feet hit the bottom of the tub, the zeros began turning towards my eight-minute mark. I slid down in the freezing water so my body was completely masked by the ice. My head was the only thing above the ice water while my mind tried to think of what I was going to do. I couldn’t gohome.
The beeping alarm made me look up. Six minutes had passed. Eight minutes was the absolute longest the trainers would allow us to sit in the ice bath. Before today, I had only done it once when I rolled my ankle and it was swollen. I began climbing out just as the trainer walked into theroom.
“Ryan.” He stared with an open mouth at me as I stood in thetub.
