“Yes, honey. This morning, in fact. Chad’s disciplining himtoo.”
“Good. Chad’s a good son.” Dad gave me a cold stare. “Chad understands that I love him. He never did anything to undermineme.”
“Dad, I tried telling the school and police it wasn’tyou.”
He narrowed his eyes atme.
“Ryan! Save your lies!” Mom hushedme.
“It’s been hard in here, away from you and yourbrother.”
I wanted to ask him if he had a tough time finding a replacement for me, but I kept that to myself. Unfortunately, he brought something similarup.
“No one here is quite like you, Ryan. I know you enjoyed it. Your body told meso.”
“Look, honey.” My mom laughed and touched my ears. “He’s so shy. His ears arewarm.”
I slowly moved my head out of her reach. I kept to myself and didn’t look up from the table much, but each time I did, his eyes were on me. I listened to their conversation here and there but tried hard to think of pleasant things, like baseball or the ocean. Those things had always been my escape. I had little to be happy about, but I still had baseball and the warm sand to siton.
We spent way too long visiting Dad. Other families had come and gone during the time we were there. When it was time for me to let my father hug me goodbye, I had become completely numb and cold. I had no energy left to fight the urge to try and get away from anotherhug.
“Hug your father, baby.” Mom took me by the shoulders and walked me over to mydad.
I let him wrap his arms around my body. His hands looked as though he was providing comfort to his depressed son. Only that wasn’t nearly an accurate assessment. It was an abusive father sucking the life out of the soul of hisson.
“Help your mother out and don’t fight with yourbrother.”
I had always hated the way his breath felt against my ear, and it would send shivers down my spine. But this time, no shivers pricked my spine. The only thing I felt, wascold.
I walked ahead of my mom to the car. I kept my focus on my shoes as I waited for her to unlock the doors and then got into the car without a saying aword.
“Well, that wasn’t so bad, was it,baby?”
I said nothing. I felt nothing. No words came to my mind that I felt would have been beneficial to say. For three hours of our drive back, I sat quietly and stared out at the horizon as the sun faded. I let her do what she wished; I didn’t fight, protest, or even try to move away. I didn’t doanything.
She was purposely trying to get me to react to something—anything. When she dug her fingernails into my stomach, I jerked away. As her annoying laughter filled the car, I checked for blood. Again, she had drawnit.
“Haha, can’t stay quiet for long, can you,Chad?”
I held my hand over my stomach and looked at her. That’s twice today that she didn’t seem to know who the fuck I was. If I hadn’t known better, I would have thought she was high or drunk. But I knew she hadn’t taken anything or had anything to drink today. Maybe that’s why she was acting weird, her body was inwithdraw.
“Ryan,” Imumbled.
When we pulled up in front of the house, I went inside without another word spoken. I took a long, hot shower to clean myself and get rid of the disgusting feelings that my brother, Mom, and Dad had left on my body today. I felt clean and semi-refreshed, but by the time I laid down for bed, the filthy feeling had materialized. Along with the disgusting feeling came the terrible ache in the pit of my stomach. Like clockwork, it always showed up. Or maybe it never would go away, and I only noticed it more atnight.
I supposed I should be happy that I was at least back to feeling thingsagain.
Chapter Five
January2003
“I’m sorry,Ryan. All of the dorms for the spring semester have already been filled and reserved,” my counselor informedme.
“But, the semester doesn’t start for another fewweeks.”
“Most of the dorms are reserved at least a semester ahead oftime.”
“Don’t you guys have some sort of emergency or last-minutedorm?”
