“Okay, that’s good. Are you freaking out right now? After what we talked about at dinner, it would be okay.”
I rest my chin on the back of my hand. “I’m actually not. Is that stupid?”
“It’s not stupid at all.”
“I trust you, Holt. With a whole lot more than my body.”
He slides his big hand down the side of my face, tucking some loose hairs behind my ear. “That means more to me than I could ever tell you.”
I push myself off Holt and walk toward his bathroom, ready to set my big emotions aside for the night.
From Holt’s expression, I think he recognizes my tactic. “Anything else on your mind?”
“I was going to ask if you’d be interested in playing withmy ass, but if you want to continue talking about other things, be my guest.”
“Now, wait just a second.” Holt springs out of his bed to grab me around my waist, making me squeal with laughter.
“Daddy?” The little voice startles me out of sleep.
I look over to find Leah standing on Holt’s side of the bed with her teddy bear clutched to her chest. It’s actually a little creepy, the way she’s hovering next to the bed. “Lee Lee? You okay?”
“I had a bad dream.”
“Leah.” Holt shoots up, his stiff body melting when he sees her standing next to him. “Hey, baby.”
“I dreamed of Mommy’s crash.”
Well, shit. That’s heartbreaking.
“Aw. I’m sorry, sweetheart. Come here.” Holt reaches out to pull Leah into bed with us. She snuggles into his chest with a sniff. I rub her back, wishing I could take away her pain. Holt looks at me over Leah’s head, and I prepare myself for him to ask me to leave. This isn’t really my job. I’m not their mom, and I understand why he’d want space to comfort his kid.
Instead, he reaches out to pull me in tighter to the snuggle.
“Daddy?” Lauren’s quiet voice comes from Holt’s doorway.
Holt closes his eyes, a resigned breath falling from his chest. “Come on, Lo Lo.”
She races over and climbs up from the foot of the bed. I move back to give her space between Leah and me.
“I’m glad you’re here, Gia.”
My chest warms at the sweet smile Lauren gives me in the moonlight. I never imagined my life could look like this.
There are days when I still question what the hell I’m doing, dating a single dad with two girls who need stability in their lives. My friends can attest that I’m the least stable person they can think of, and yet, lying in this bed with this little family makes me wonder if I might be better equipped than I ever believed.
I’m too disillusioned to think that it will always be this easy. Holt and I are going to fight. The girls will have bad days when they’re not the sweet little babies they usually are. And while I’m scared of messing something up, the one thing I know I can count on is Holt discussing it with me instead of giving up on me.
For so long, I’ve gone through life with a blasé attitude. If I never cared about anything, I couldn’t get hurt. It allowed me to build this shield between myself and the world.
The first night I stayed at Holt’s house with his girls, that shield started to get heavy. I didn’t want to be the woman who held herself back because she was terrified of the unknown anymore.
But that shield was comfortable. It had molded to my arm, and dropping it wasn’t as easy as I wanted it to be. I knew the second I set it down, my squishy heart would no longer be protected. It took some time to trust that Holt wouldn’t take advantage of that vulnerability. His constant openness and honesty have proven how protective he will be of my heart. He’s made it easy to trust that I’m safe to open up to him about my emotions.
I’m not going to be perfect, and it’s going to take some time to bare myself completely, but I’m willing to work at it.
At the very least, I want to show these girls that being vulnerable doesn’t mean you’re weak. It’s a lesson I had to learn the hard way. I don’t want them to go through life the same way I did.
“I’m really glad I’m here too, Lo Lo.”
