I tightened my fingers around hers, offering the little comfort she seemed willing to accept. She was so calm, so even through her speech. It was as though she had gone elsewhere and it was only her body delivering her explanation.
“That isn’t the only reason. Celine, beautiful vivacious Celine… You would not recognize her today if you had seen her after Gabriel died. She sobbed herself to sleep in the muck above his grave. Not once, but day after day after day. Love destroyed her.”
“We wouldn’t be like that?—”
“And Xander, poor Xander. If anyone were to find out about his love—he could be hanged. One mistake and I could lose my brother forever. To love.”
“Davina… I?—”
“So it’s not that I won’t marry you. I could marry, if I absolutely had to. But I cannot give you the kind of marriage you want, the kind you deserve. When I say no, it’s not because I enjoy denying you or that I’m toying with you. I need you to know that. It’s because I refuse to doom you to what a marriage with me would mean.”
She could have cracked my chest open and left my organs free for the carrion birds. It would have hurt less. I had assumed—wrongfully, so wrongfully—that her aversion to marriage was due to the loss of the freedoms she enjoyed as a single lady of independent means.
I knew she didn’t love me. But it had been so, so easy to pretend last night. And to have that shattered at my feet… It was devastating.
“Who gave you leave to decide what I can and cannot abide in a marriage? You do not love me, that much is clear. Just say that. Do not suggest that you’re denying me for my own well-being,”I snapped, my fury taking even me by surprise. She ripped her hand from mine, brows raised in astonishment.
“Kit—”
“You’ve never been a martyr before, Davina. I cannot believe you’ve chosen now to begin. And to what purpose? Did you think refusing to wed me would keep my heart intact? I can promise you that it hasn’t.”
“I don’t?—”
“And your explanation, it’s shite. You love so deeply. The way you speak about your mother? It screams of love. Cee? You love her better than I love my own sisters. And your brother? You’ve kidnapped me in order to help him. You’ve committed a literal felony.”
“It’s an abduction act?—”
“Yes, thank you, that was the point of my speech, so good of you to catch it. Do you suppose denying the love you feel for your family will leave you any less broken should something happen to any of them?”
“No, but I cannot help…” I recognized the exact moment she realized the implication of that statement.
“Help it. You cannot help but love them. It’s just me you can so easily resist.”
“I didn’t mean it that way,” she protested.
“Well, I cannot help it, Davina. I cannot will it away. I cannot wish it away. Lord knows I’ve tried. I love you. I’m in love with you. It happened quite against my will. I cannot even name the moment it happened. But I suppose I am evidence of your point. Because this… this is devastating. And the truth is, I do not know what is worse, the searing ache in my chest or the understanding that you are determined to live without love.”
“Kit...” her voice broke, eyes welling. And damn me to hell and back. I thought my heart already broken but apparently, faced with tears I’d caused, it shattered full to pieces.
“Oh, Christ, don’t cry.” I yanked her into my side. A sob broke from her and she buried her face in my chest, clutching my shirt. And wasn’t that enough to make me feel like a prize arse?
“Don’t you see?” she cried into my shoulder. “We’re not even wed and already you hate me.” Shudders racked her frame.
“I don’t hate you. That’s the entire problem, you little menace.”
“But you would. You would and I couldn’t bear it.”
My shaking hand found the back of her head, quite of its own volition. Would this be the last time I touched the silken strands? Would this be the last time I held her in my arms?
“I don’t hate you. You’re allowed to not love me. I cannot particularly blame you. I’m a stubborn grump who’s about to spend the rest of his life floundering with an earldom I’m neither interested in nor prepared for. I’m hurt—it hurts to love someone who doesn’t love you. But I’ve decided it’s absolutely worse that you don’t want love. Fortunately, in spite of your best efforts, you get absolutely no say in whether other people love you. And, Davina, you have so much love to give.”
Her inhale was shaky, and her exhale even more so. It wasn’t until a tear landed on her curls that I recognized I was crying as well. I flicked the traitorous drops away with my wrist.
“This has to stop, Davina. We cannot keep going on as we have. I need—we need—a bit of distance. I cannot keep loving you physically if you will not allow... You said you’re doing this for my own good. You may be able to separate the physical and emotional acts of love making, but I cannot.”
She pulled me tighter.
“If you’re certain that this is what you want, I have to let you go now.” My voice was thick, syrupy, and I hated it. If I had thought my speech would convince her to stay, but it certainly wouldn’t after this masculine display of tears.
