“I know,” he said, glancing down at his drink. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be this way when you needed me.”
“Hugh, you were eleven.”
“And your elder brother,” he added, though I wouldn’t have. The four years between us was nothing.
“I had Michael.” And I did. At times, Michael had been more father to me than my actual father. But he’d done it in his own quiet, unassuming way. It had taken years to appreciate the full extent of my natural half brother’s sacrifices.
“You did. And I wish so often that I had allowed him to be there for me. Perhaps I wouldn’t have been quite so doltish when I met Kate.”
A chuckle broke free at the memory. I was pleased he and his wife could jest about the early days of their marriage now.
“I don’t think there’s an expiration, if there’s something you wish to speak with him about,” I said.
“That is true for me, as well. If you wanted to discuss something.”
I considered it for a moment. Here in this ridiculous club full of evil people. Just confessing everything to Hugh. A small, naive part of me that could see it, Hugh clapping me on the shoulder and asking what I was still doing here, instead of chasing after Rosehill.
But that wasn’t reality.
I shook my head.
“Are you sure? There’s no lady you’ve taken an interest in? You’ve been busy lately.”
While he was right that I’d been avoiding family gatherings, his guess at the reason could not be more wrong. I loved my new sisters; they were each clever and kind. But watching my brothers so in love—it left an uncomfortable ache in my chest where only joy should be. I was delighted for them, truly I was. But at some point Michael and Hugh had left me behind. They had found a life where I could not follow, a life of wives, marriage, and children. If I ever had those, I could not imagine I would be filled with the same happiness my brothers enjoyed, the same love.
The bitter laugh escaped without permission and I forced a smile to soften it. “Nothing like that,” I assured him.
He caught his lower lip between his teeth, studying me in a way that had me shifting in my seat. “You have not met a lady atthe theater? There is no one… serious? That is not why you are always there?”
“No, Hugh. I’m not about to run off with an actress.” I still wasn’t entirely certain where Hugh had gotten the idea that I spent all my time at the theater. The man had hardly listened to a word I’d said for nearly a decade, but mention an evening out once and he never forgot it. It was a notion that served me well and I chose not to disabuse him of it.
“Because I would understand. The heart does what it wants. But of course you know such a thing would be impossible.” He was tentative there, looking up at me with wide, sympathetic grey eyes.
“There are no ladies, Hugh. I simply cannot stand the sight of you and Katesneakinginto every closet in the country.”
That earned me a smirk and seemed to satisfy his concerns.
He settled back, switching to more concrete concerns. “So what do you think about replacing the carriage house at the dowager house this year? Should we wait another season?”
“Can you afford not to? Do you really want Mother coming up to the main house to borrow the carriage for another year?”
“She has improved… somewhat. Now that she has Henry to dote on.”
“Better you than me,” I muttered, snatching the drink out of his hand and savoring a hearty sip, desperate for the oblivion it promised.
Three
HASKET HOUSE, LONDON - JUNE 5, 1816
XANDER
I’d been dreadingthis night from the moment I received the invitation. It had all the makings of a disaster—the kind that would be spoken of in hushed, warning whispers for years to come.
“Tell me more of the venue for this evening, darling boy,” Mother demanded in her usual over-enunciated manner. She and her poor lady’ maid had delved so deep into the depths of her wardrobe room that I wasn’t certain they would ever resurface.
“I’ve told you, Mother. It’s a gaming hell. There are gaming tables. They’ve promised dancing, so I imagine they’ve set up some sort of floor. And there is alcohol—though not enough.” I muttered the last bit under my breath as I inspected the decorative hair feathers Mother had pulled from somewhere.
“And this couple—the Waylands. They are fastidious in their hosting?”
