“Is it safe to assume that is another concern you underreported that day?”
Underreported?He still did not understand the extent of his mother’s vitriol. “Yes,” I said simply.
“I have been thinking about that. I believe it may be time to move her to the dower house. She will, perhaps, be more comfortable there.”
“You would move her to the dower house?” I asked, utterly confused by this man before me.
“Well, yes. That is what it is there for, is it not? It is right in the name.”
“And she would be amenable to that?”
“Oh, most certainly not. But she really has little say in the matter. Particularly if she wishes to continue overspending her pin money,” he said with an easy shrug.
“Just like that?”
“Just like that.” he said, considering me thoughtfully in a sidelong glance. The sun gleamed from behind him, catching in his overgrown hair and beard and lighting his lashes. His eyelashes really were unfairly long. “I really do not think you understand just how miserable I was without you.”
“You missed me. And that is enough to remove your mother from your home?”
“Our home. And yes. The way she treated Michael, also. Or the way she taught me to treat him. She has fostered and encouraged all the worst parts of me for far too long. I wish to avoid a return to that way of thinking. If that means she must live in a perfectly well-situated house built specifically for the dowager viscountess… so be it.” He loosened the reins beside him, handing me Andromeda’s. “Shall we lead them? It is not much farther.”
I was only capable of a nod, too lost in the changes my husband displayed. We continued in silence along the path. We rounded a bend, and I was met with a mirror-still lake. It was surrounded by trees, each at a different point in readying itself for winter’s bite. Both horses decided that the water was there for the drinking and pulled us toward their desire.
Hugh allowed them their fill before tying them off once again at a nearby branch.
“Tell me, what other concerns do you have,” he asked, half-distracted. He found a bench underneath the tree and was brushing the leaves and dust away before gesturing for me to sit.
“I am… frightened.”
“Of what?” His voice is soft, thoughtful.
“You.”
My husband’s eyes found mine, wide and full of worry. His lips were parted with concern. A hand made to grasp my shoulder before he caught himself. Instead, it froze between us, settling into a fist in his lap after a beat.
“Have I… done something to—”
“No, or at least not specifically. But you are so altered from the man I married. The man I lived with for months… How am I to know which is the real Hugh? The prideful, taciturn one who sought to look through me? Or the man before me, promising to fulfill my every dream at a word?”
He started once more, intending to interrupt with what would surely be more passionate words and tempting promises. I raised my hand in a gesture to let me continue. “You cannot possibly maintain this change, Hugh. And if you can… What does that mean? If you were capable of this behavior all along, what should I make of that? This man was under there, all this time, just waiting for the proper motivation to reveal himself. Was I unworthy of this effort until you thought you lost me for good? Will you continue to act this way once you are certain I will stay? When I bear your children and I am even more thoroughly bound to you than I am now, what then? And those children, what if they are equally too loud, and too bold, and too much?”
Astonishingly, my eyes were dry, and my voice remained clear throughout the speech. It was only when I saw the crestfallen expression on his face that my feelings found the truth of my words. The tidal wave of emotion settled, trapped in my throat, waiting to break.
* * *
HUGH
Every single time I believed I had discovered the true depths of my depravity she unfurled a new layer.
Words abandoned me early in her speech. Air followed not long after. My chest was tight and aching. Even if I could find the words, they would be nothing more than the empty platitudes I had offered her thus far. The words were the very things hurting her. With a surety I knew deep in my bones, there was nothing I could say that would fix the mess I had caused.
The three words that were desperately trying to escape would be of no use. I bit my tongue against the urge. They had been there since her return, perhaps before, waiting in the wings for the perfect moment. I knew now that moment would never come. Certainly not now, they would serve in no way but to be cheapened in this moment.
It was a fitting punishment I suppose. Months of saying nothing, now there was not a single word left to me. No apology would be sufficient; no words of affection believable. The irony was unbearable.
I cleared my throat in the desperate hope that whatever came out of my mouth would somehow repair this damage, knowing all the while the endeavor was fruitless.
Still, I asked for this, and I needed to offer her something in return. “Kate, I… there are no words—obviously there are no words—the damn words are the problem. I will regret the things I said in that study and all the ones I did not for the rest of my days. I do not wish to offer you banalities and trivial promises. The only thing I can offer is changed behavior and the hope that someday it will serve as proof. But I need you to know, you were always worth the effort. You were never too much. I was just not enough. I am trying to be enough. I hope someday I will be.”
