Is this why? Am I nothing but a weapon to them? They’ll use my heart and my body to defeat Sakesh, and no one cares if I am destroyed in the process.
Miserably, I shove my food around my plate, turning my thoughts even further inward.
I know my sisters love me. I’ve felt it. But I can’t forgive this, especially not now.
Sadness rises in my chest, a deep rift of regret that I’ve been trying to hide all day. The worst part of all of this is thewarmth and connection that began to grow in me, and the hope that Dan and I could really fall in love.
And even worse than that, I knew this was going to happen!
My sense of loss at that moment is so strong that I have to press my lips together to stop myself from crying.
Everyone disappoints you in the end. I’m not surprised by any of this—that’s the horror of it. On some level, I even expected betrayal from my sisters. I never believed in my little dream of living out my days with them. I knew it wasn’t real.
“Not hungry?” Dan asks, his voice startling me after the long, intense silence.
“Not really,” I answer, controlling my reaction with difficulty.
Dan opens his mouth again, but looks down at his food without saying anything. I can still feel the tension in the air, as if the words are right there on the tip of his tongue, so close to being spoken, it’s like I can already hear them.
I’m so sorry, Grace.
No! I don’t want to know!
As I push away the connection between us, my mind floods with images. I can feel his hard hands running over my body, the hot, wet pressure of his mouth licking a trail from my breasts down my belly, and the pleasure exploding inside me, remaking me, and opening up my heart in a way I’d never dreamed possible.
Lies. All lies. Stop thinking about it right now.
To my horror, I can’t. My body starts to hum, awakening with desire, and the harder I fight back, the stronger it gets.I focus on my food, taking a few bites and chewing slowly to ground myself.
I can’t live without that feeling. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced!
And I have to learn to live without it, because I can’t stand to feel it again and know that it isn’t real. It can’t be. If it was, he wouldn’t have been able to hurt me…
Dan scrapes his fork across his plate, and I actually jump a little. The noise is so sudden and annoying, it banishes all the lusty feelings, and I’m grateful that he’s just reminded me who he really is.
A dumb brute. A savage. He’s not even capable of complex emotions!
Even though I know this doesn’t make sense, it feels good to me, so I let my mind loose to run down this trail.
I’ll have to learn to live without love. We need to rule the packs and stop Sakesh. It’s too important for everyone involved, and I can’t risk that mission. Afterwards, though…
My mind teases the possibility that we could actually defeat Sakesh and stabilize the packs. If all of that could actually happen, there might be an opportunity for me to leave afterwards.
Dan isn’t capable of connecting to me the way I need. Leaving would hurt, but it would hurt less than living in a fake union. I also can’t run to the coven as I always planned. I can’t trust them.
I’m surprised by how attractive the idea is, and how much hope it gives me. My heavy mood lifts a little, and I realize that if we’re going to achieve this, I still need to talk to Dan.
We need to talk about the power we raised, if not the sex.
I look up at him, feeling a little more open, but now Dan has his eyes down, and I can feel how shut down he is.
Okay, so magic freaks him out. It would really help to know why.
“Dan?” I say softly.
He grunts.
“I, ah—”
