My legs tremble, and I slide down until I’m sitting on the floor. Shivers are racing through me, making my heart flutter in my chest.
If I couldn’t go to my sisters and live with them, I might be able to accept that—if I didn’t have to stay married to Dan! Why does the damn snake have such an interest in my personal life?
The thought makes me giggle, just a little. I know I’m completely losing it, but I also know I’m completely dodging the reason why.
With a sigh that sounds more like a sob, I lean my head back and listen to my body. My skin is singing, running with thrills. Heat flows through me, making my nipples hard and my thighs throb. Deep inside me, a sharp ache beats in time with my heart.
The barriers come down, and my mind rages with fantasies. Dan yanking me against his chest and kissing me, tearing my dress right off as he gropes me and pins me against him. As my body responds to the thought, I lean back against the door even further, a little moan escaping my lips as my legs open.
In my fantasy, I tear open his shirt and run my hands over his hard muscles, digging in my nails to scratch him gently and make him shiver. My head falls back as my bones melt, and I invite him into me—
Stop!
With a gasp, I sit up straight, clamping my thighs together and wrapping my arms around myself. Gulping, I forcethe images out of my mind and demand that the rest of me calm down.
My body stubbornly resists, the ache deep inside me settling a little but not going away. My nipples are so sensitive, just the feel of them grazing against my dress sends shivers of pleasure running through me all over again.
Stop, stop, oh my God, stop this!
Taking deep, long breaths, I clear my mind completely. The image of Dan pinned to the wall, held by my power and completely at my mercy, lingers a bit, but I manage to completely blank my thoughts, and my body finally starts to relax.
Do I want him to take me—or do I want to hold him hostage while I ravish him?
I shake my head, pushing the thoughts away.
It’s been so long since I felt this way.
Sadness pierces through the shield of calm I’ve built, and I start to tremble again. I had a couple of crushes in high school, and it definitely brightened my days and gave me fun things to think about. But ultimately, my fantasies betrayed me when those boys wouldn’t stay with me.
When I was out of school, I had a fling with another gardener that went pretty much the same way. The first few months were wonderful, just days of waking up happy, walking around with my body singing and my mind full of lustful possibilities.
Until he fucking dumped me.
The misery sets in and slowly seeps through my body. I encourage it, letting it push the good feelings away.
This is reality. The rest is just false hope.
Opening my eyes, I look around the room, grounding myself and forcing my mind to admit the only truth that matters.
I’m attracted to Dan. I admit that, and he probably wants me, too—but it’s just not worth it. We can’t stand each other for longer than five minutes without other people around. This is a disaster and a broken heart just waiting to happen.
A full-body shudder rings through me as I imagine how horrifically awkward it would be to have to deal with Dan every day—over breakfast, at dinner, at pack meetings—while I was dealing with sexual encounters gone bad.
Just imagine it. Being drawn to him constantly, fighting, never being in sync, but still fucking every day. No fucking way. Better to never start it in the first place.
When I finally get up, I’m surprised by how tired I am. My body is aching from the long walk and the stress, and even though I expect my mind to stay switched on, my thoughts fall into confusion, and I can barely keep my eyes open long enough to change into a nightgown.
I’m so tired, I don’t even have the strength to worry about what things will be like when I wake up. I just surrender to the dark, comforting wave sleep brings.
I wake up in the dawn light, feeling well rested and at peace—until my mind catches up and I remember everything that happened last night in a sudden, painful rush.
For just a moment, I lay there paralyzed, unable to accept the thought of going downstairs and facing him. Then the idea of him setting fire to the kitchen obliterates all else, and I leap out of bed, quickly throwing on a dress and hurrying to the kitchen.
I can’t take another breakfast disaster, not again. I don’t even know how we are going to get through today without another argument—
In the kitchen doorway, I stop suddenly as if I’ve been struck. I literally can’t believe my eyes and blink a few times to make sure I’m not hallucinating.
Dan is standing over the stove, a look of intense concentration on his face as he carefully scoops fried eggs out of the pan onto a plate. The air smells like crispy bacon, fresh bread, and pepper, without even a hint of smoke.
