He laughed and reached for the nightstand drawer."Still bossy."
"You're still too slow."
But when he settled between my thighs, when I felt the first pressure of him pushing inside, he didn't rush.He went slow, watching my face, reading my reactions, making sure every movement brought pleasure instead of discomfort.
"Okay?"he asked when he was fully seated.
"Better than okay.Now move."
He started with a slow rhythm that had me clutching his shoulders.This wasn't like our first time, frantic and desperate and trying to prove something.This was deliberate, intimate, both of us present and aware and choosing this despite all the reasons we shouldn't.
"Look at me," he said.
I opened my eyes, when had I closed them?, and met his gaze.The intensity there nearly undid me.
"I love you," he said, still moving inside me."I know you're not ready to hear it.I know you might never be ready.But I love you, and I need you to know that this isn't just physical for me.You don't have to say anything.Just let me say it."He kissed me, soft and sweet and at odds with the way his hips were moving."I love you.Even when you're angry at me.Even when you don't trust me.Especially when you stand up for yourself and refuse to let anyone, including me, make you feel less than remarkable."
My eyes stung with tears I refused to let fall."You're making this complicated."
"It's already complicated."He shifted the angle slightly, hitting a spot that made me gasp."I'm just being honest about it."
His hand moved between our bodies, finding the bundle of nerves that made pleasure spark through me.The combination of his movement and his touch and his words was too much.
"I can't.".
"Yes, you can.Let go.I've got you."
The orgasm rolled through me in waves, and I heard myself cry out his name.He followed seconds later, his face buried in my neck, my name on his lips.
We stayed tangled together afterward, both breathing hard, reality slowly creeping back in.
"We said we wouldn't do this."
"We say a lot of things."He rolled to his side, pulling me with him so we were facing each other."Are you okay?"
"I don't know."I traced patterns on his chest, not ready to meet his eyes."I'm still angry at you.Still don't know if I can trust you.Still not sure we can make this work."
"I know."
"But I also," I stopped, trying to find the right words."I also can't seem to stay away from you.Which is either the stupidest thing I've ever done or the bravest."
"What if it's both?"
"Then I'm an idiot with decent survival instincts."
He smiled and pressed a kiss to my forehead."For what it's worth, I think you're the bravest person I know.Staying here despite the threats, fighting back instead of running, giving me chances I don't deserve."
"I haven't given you anything.This was just," I gestured between us."stress relief.Physical need.Temporary insanity."
"Is that what we're calling it?"
"That's what I'm calling it.You can call it whatever you want."
"I'm calling it falling in love with someone who's too smart to fall back."His voice was quiet, honest."And hoping that maybe someday, you'll decide I'm worth the risk."
I didn't know what to say to that.Part of me wanted to say I was already falling, had been falling since the stables.But saying it felt like forgiveness, and I wasn't ready for that.
"I need time," I said finally.
