I miss him so much, and I just want him back, but… something has kept him from reaching out to me, so I’m not ready to go to him yet. I’m not ready to open myself to him again, especially after what happened last time. Maybe the answer would be for us to talk about it, but what if he lies? He’s capable of it. I know that. It’s all so messy, and I wish it were simple, but it’s just not.
I need more time.
Jaxon checks his phone again, shakes his head when he realizes I haven’t answered. A disappointed look crosses his face, and I close out of the feed, suddenly feeling weird for this. Guilty. Maybe he would think it’s romantic, but he didn’t agree to this. I, at least, consented to what we did.
Okay, well, not entirely true. I agreed at first, but I didn’t agree to the cameras in Sam’s house—or Jaxon pretending to be someone else and breaking into Sam’s house.
Only… I did consent to that because I told Shadow I wanted it… but I thought he was someone else. Right?
No, I didn’t know who he was, and that’s what I liked about it. It’s confusing, but I did consent. It’s not my fault I didn’t know who he really was. That’s what I get for inviting a stranger into my bed.
All I know is that deep down, in my messed up heart, buried very,verydeep… I find all of what Jaxon did, romantic. And I miss him.
My phone falls to my chest and I sink down further into my bed.
I pick my phone back up and pull up Jaxon’s contact. I type out a message. Just one sentence. One of us has to be the bigger person, and if the route I’m going is staying steady, I’m going to be miserable in no time. I need to talk to him, I need to know… because then I can make my next move.
Me: Have you ever lied to me?
I have no idea what his response will be, if he responds at all. My fingers itch to pull the cameras back up, to see if he’s staring at the notification or if he’s getting dressed—I would love to see him getting dressed. But I don’t do that… I keep staring at my phone, my heart beating a little harder and my breath coming out a little sharper as I wait for his response to come in.
He could tell me to fuck off, though that’s unlikely.
He could not answer the question at all.
He could straight up lie to me.
There are so many options.
The response that comes in is quick. It’s simple. It… feels like the truth, which hurts in a different way.
Jaxon: Never.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Sailor
He doesn’t text me again. I don’t text him either.
Another week goes by without hearing from him or Shadow. I send Shadow a message, but it goes unnoticed. Or he’s just ignoring me now that I’ve messaged him personally. I don’t know, but I do check the cameras every now and then. More often than not, he’s not home. I don’t know where he is or what he’s doing. He comes home at strange hours, and part of me is jealous, wondering who he’s with and what he’s doing.
Yet something in me knows he isn’t doing anything wrong—at least not to me. And we aren’t even together, yet I know he’s respecting me. At least when it comes to that aspect.
Orville gave me a number to text if I needed anything, so I texted him, asking if he somehow knows what Jaxon is up to. He said he didn’t know, and I didn’t push.
I’m on the fence about what to do with him, so I do the only thing that I can think of that makes sense—call my best friend.
There’s a knock on the door, and I quickly finish brushing my teeth so I can get to it.
Amelia is standing on the other side, looking tired but relieved.
“Thank fuck finals are over.”
I laugh and step aside. “I didn’t think I was going to make it out alive.”
She drops onto the couch. “Lucky you. I’m pretty sure they killed me.”
“Are we getting pizza?”
