I roll my eyes as I drop into the computer chair.
“Just someone I met today. He’s new.”
“Oh.” I don’t miss the tone he says it in. Snarky.
Golden_Phoenix: I have to go.
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Everything okay?
I look over my shoulder to make sure Sam isn’t hovering. He’s in the kitchen, putting the clean dishes into the cabinet, so I respond.
Golden_Phoenix: My roommate came home. *eye roll*
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Will you be on tomorrow?
I hear Sam’s footsteps, so I quickly send anIDK,shut the chat, and log off the game.
“Let’s go out to dinner tonight.”
I sigh, swinging around in the chair. “I’m honestly really tired, Sam. I don’t want to go anywhere.”
“Tired from gaming all day?” He smiles like it’s a joke, but something in his eyes tells me differently.
“I just want to go to bed.”
I get up and head into the bedroom. I call out, “Good night,” before closing the door and changing into my pajamas.
Sam used to be one of my best friends. It’s why I came to him after everything that happened. I knew he could keep me safe, and that he would. I knew being with him would be okay because we’ve known each other for a long time. Things went a little haywire when he stayed with me, but I never felt uncomfortable with him in the sense that I thought I was in danger. It was just awkward because things were ending, because I realized that he wasn’t what I wanted anymore. But if he didn’t want me here, he could have said no. It’s obvious he took this as an opening to get back together, even though I’ve said I don’t want that. Butfighting him off is easier than dealing with being alone in my house. At least, it is for right now.
I lie in bed, staring at the dark ceiling as if words are going to scroll across it and tell me how to fix all this.
In the back of my mind, I know what to do to fix it, and I’ve considered the idea already. But in the end, I come up with the same answer.
Going back to Jaxon is dangerous.
That should be all I need to know.
Going back to him would be easy. It would fill so many holes in my heart, but… would it? Because he still hasn’t texted me. And he’s not a good person. Mindy is still dead. The scales are tipped, and not in a good way.
But I know myself, and I know how I can be. Retreating back into my shell is what I do. It’s my safe place. Hiding out here, away from everyone, is what I’ve always done because it’s easy. But it’s not what I want to do. It’s not who I want to be. There’s a reason I went back to school, a reason I started to make friends, and a reason I took the leap with Jaxon. I don’t like being like this.
Going home is scary though. Too scary. It’s too much right now. It’s bad enough I think about Jaxon as much as I do, but being home, knowing the places he’s been, how easily he could slip through the cracks for real… it’s terrifying. Maybe one day it won’t be, but that’s not today. I also need to considereverything, and there are some things I’m refusing to think about.
Like the fact that no matter what has happened, Jaxon has done everything I asked of him. No matter what messed up thingwedid, he respected my boundaries. He never made me uncomfortable, and in fact, made me feel more safe than I ever have before. More than Sam ever has. If I said no, Jaxon listened. I can’t say the same about Sam. Jaxon never crossed my physical boundaries — but the world he lives in is dangerous.
Jaxon hasn’t bothered with me once, and maybe it’s because he knows I don’t want him to bother me. That I need a break. That I need some space. Maybe he knows me well enough to know that I need to go to him.
But if he missed me so much, if he cared, wouldn’t he send one text? Just one. Just something to let me know that he’s still there? That I shouldn’t stop trying?
It’s crazy that even though I don’t feel safe with Jaxon, I do feel like he would respect me more than I’m being respected now. It makes no sense because at the same time, part of me does feel safe with Jaxon and I don’t know how to process all of this. I can’t make sense of it.
I grab my phone from the end table because I need a distraction. Time heals all wounds, right? There’s no reason to rush into a decision.
I open the Solar Surge app and search for LMC’s profile. My finger hovers over the message button, wondering if this is weird. It’s never been weird before, not on the app. It’s how I made friends on here in the first place—how I met Sam. So I hit the button and type out a message.
Golden_Phoenix: Hey, you still around?
I stare at the message, waiting for a response, but I don’t get one. My phone drops to my chest with a thud. I let out a sigh and close my eyes. Moments pass, and my phone vibrates. I lift it to see a message on Solar Surge—from LMC.
