A thud from the living room pulls my attention, and I remember Sam is out there.
Sam. Who I was also just pretending with once upon a time. He was just the internet at one point. Someone I never thought I would meet, yet, here he is… here we are.
I am a mess.
Staring at my phone, I war with myself. It’s all I’ve done lately. Fight my true self, fight these cravings, and for what? Fear. Paranoia. Confusion.
But I don’t fear what Jaxon and I did. I’m not paranoid about that, or confused about it either. It has nothing to do with being afraid of what we did together. The mask. The chasing. The breaking and entering. The fucking in closets. In the library. The not knowing.
It’s none of that. I could have been fine with all of that. Hell, I would have been. I still crave it, if I’m being honest.
No, what’s stopping me ishim. What he did to Mindy. The fact he was able to do it at all and not bat an eye. He got into the car with me seconds after, and you’d never know he justkilledsomeone. My fear is what he’s capable of and how I could be next.
So, I pick up my phone and click the button to wake the screen because I am not the problem here. What I am into sexually is not the problem.
Jaxon is the problem. And this guy I’m talking to on the internet is not Jaxon.
I just have to remind myself of that.
When I open the app, I find a stack of messages. I hold my breath as I read them.
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Fuck. Yes.
LMCYTTWACYAGG: I’ll wear a mask too.
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Chase you until you can’t run anymore. Then I’ll catch you and give you exactly what you want.
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Except I want you to beg for it first. I want to hear you pleading for me to give you what you want.
My heart is pounding, threatening to burst right out of my rib cage.
How can this guy that I randomly met be into this too? Is it really so common? Is it really so easy to find someone who will do this? Maybe moving on won’t be so difficult after all.
Of course, the little voice in the back of my head tells me this is a bad idea, that I don’t know this person either, and if we go along with this, they could be just as bad, or maybe worse, than Jaxon.
But I tell that voice to shut up because I don’t plan on doing this for real. I’m not going to meet with this guy the way I did with Jaxon, so he can chase me through the woods, throw me down, and fuck me. There aren’t even any woods over here. We’re in a populated area, and I have no idea where the hell I am. At least at home, I was familiar with the area. I’d lived there my whole life.
Maybe I should just get a big scary dog and move back home. A giant Rottweiler or German Shepard who will keep me and my house safe.
I re-read the messages again, trying to decide how to answer. I glance at the time on my phone before I do anything. It’s late. I should get to sleep. Sam and I are going out tomorrow, and if I bail on him, he’s going to get upset. I don’t need him more upset because then he gets weird. Well, weirder than usual.
Golden_Phoenix: That sounds perfect. It’s exactly what I crave.
Golden_Phoenix: And I’m sorry, but can we finish this conversation another time? I really need to get to bed.
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Are you sure I didn’t scare you away?
Golden_Phoenix: Trust me. I am not scared of a little primal play.
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Good. Because it’s my favorite. Except…
Golden_Phoenix: Except what?
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Do you know what would be even better?
Golden_Phoenix: What??
LMCYTTWACYAGG: Sneaking into your house and fucking you in the middle of the night with your roommate in the other room.
