The word echoed in my head like a yell in a large, empty room. Except it grew louder, more painful each time I heard it and remembered it falling off his lips so casually. I shut my eyes tightly, trying to block it all out. Warm tears fell down my cheeks.
Idiot.
I was such a damn idiot.
I snapped my eyes open and walked quickly to the low shelf on the warm, wood-paneled walls. I yanked the suitcase from the shelf. The suitcase Jeremiah had bought me on our way home from Dallas, insisting I needed something better to travel with. I hated that I was going to use it now as I left this place. Left him.
I tossed the suitcase on the plush, carpeted floor. It landed with a dull thud. I unzipped it and flung it open, before going for the dresser pushed against the wall. I pulled open the top drawer and began grabbing socks and underwear, throwing them haphazardly in the open suitcase on the floor. I cleared out the rest of the drawers, grabbing the clothes I had owned before Jeremiah had come into my life. Leggings, sweaters, oversized tees. Some semblance of who I was before I met him.
The suitcase was nowhere near overflowing yet, and I knew I needed more besides band tees and pajamas. I stood quickly and looked through the racks of work clothes. Pencil skirts, pressed blouses, blazers. I picked my favorites. Three outfits in total and carefully folded them into the bag.
I hadn’t received any callbacks yet from any of the résumés or applications I had sent in to various office jobs around the city, but I hoped there would be an interview soon. At least I would be armed with a put-together outfit and an impressive letter of recommendation from one of the city’s biggest CEOs. And biggest assholes.
What was it the interviewer said?
One of the most prominent bachelors.
My stomach churned, and it wasn’t the baby. I was past the first trimester, and morning sickness was a thing of the past. I didn’t even know why they called it that. It should be “afternoon sickness.” Or “evening sickness.” Or “just ate a cracker sickness.”
I put my hand on my belly now, heart pounding in my chest as more tears fell from my eyes. This was heartbreak. The worst feeling of all.
I had been so excited to watch the interview this morning. I had posted up on the couch with a little bowl of popcorn and orange juice. Not the best breakfast, but a craving was a craving. My nerves had been buzzing. The same nerves that had filled the room when Jeremiah was getting ready this morning. Damn him for looking so good in the suit I told him to wear.
And damn him for looking like a billion bucks on the television screen. The amount of pride I felt in my chest as I watched him talk so confidently about business. He spoke so confidently. No sign of the nerves from this morning. His words fell off his tongue like he had done this a million times. With hand gestures to match. Hands that had just held me to him that morning.
His cool confidence hadn’t wavered when the interviewer pried into his love life. I knew the question had been off limits. He had been guaranteed by his lawyer that no talk of his personal life would come up, but the interviewer justhadto try. That was her job after all. I couldn’t blame her for trying to be the one to breakan exclusive story. The one that Jeremiah had been desperate to hide.
Me.
I was the one he so desperately wanted to hide.
I had grown used to being his secret. Going to the office at different times. Leaving early, him late. Or vice versa. Never showing affection in public. Not even in the lobby of the apartment building. Too many people knew him. Watched him. I had gone along with all of it because Jeremiah insisted it was to protect me.
But fromwhat?I had already come head to head with Anderson. I had already dealt with one of my friends betraying me. What happened with Tanya had broken my heart. I wasn’t sure what else more I could go through that I needed protecting from.
No, this was more about protecting his own ass.
His job. His reputation. His public image.
I would never understand how us being happy and starting a family could be seen as a scandal. No, I may not know the dog-eat-dog world of business. Or how the press could play with your reputation like a cheap toy that could easily break. But I knew we weren’t doing anything bad.
We weren’t a scandal. We were starting a family. At least, I thought that was what we were doing.
Everything had been so good the past few weeks. We were happy. Ordering takeout most nights, based on whatever craving baby had, and watching movies on the couch. Sitting at the dining room table in the mornings with our coffee and tea, me reading my baby book and sharing interesting facts while he scrolled the news. Sending him out on ridiculous corner store errands for whatever weird thing I wanted to eat that night, and him with his knowing chuckle as he walked out the door. Never a complaint.
He was far from single. Even though we had never had the relationship talk, that was what we were in. At least, I thought we were.
After watching his interview and his easy smile as he delivered the words that were a blow to the gut, I realized I would never be more than a secret. He would never proudly wrap his arm around me in public. He would never introduce me to anyone as anything more than his former assistant, if he even bothered to introduce me at all. He would never take me on a dinner date where we could hold hands across the table. He would never get down on one knee.
Worst of all, ourbabywould never be more than a secret.
He would never hold our baby as we strolled through Central Park. He would never put his name on the birth certificate,claiming his child. He would never go to baseball games or dance recitals.
All these thoughts swarmed my head, making me sink to my knees on the cream carpet. I let out a quiet sob as I placed my hand on my growing belly. Our baby deserved better.Ideserved better.
I couldn’t understand how I had found myself here again. The foolish woman with a broken heart, packing up and moving out. I couldn’t bring myself to be here again. I needed to figure my life out. For me. For the baby.
I had made a decent sized dent in my debt. The raise and moving in with Jeremiah had helped immensely. I hated that I had him to thank for it. Now, I had to go out and do it on my own. I needed to find a job. An apartment. It felt scary. Intimidating.
