Cold.
Cruel.
Callous.
The furthest thing from father material.
Oh, and the part about only being able to open up when drunk.
All true.
I had fucked up. Big time. I was wrong to accuse her of what I did. Sadie could barely hurt a fly, let alone come up with some diabolical plan to take my money. It was ridiculous to even think that she was some mastermind, planting the box outside my door and breaking and entering just to seduce me. Or be seduced. But still. In my shock, my brain delved into impossible scenarios, like it was in survival mode. It tried to come up with something, anything, to push her and her pregnancy away.
I knew as soon as she walked out the door that I should have gone after her, but I couldn’t. The weight of everything pushed down on me. Plus, how would it look for me to chase after her? We had already made a scene. In front of Tanya by the elevators. The echo of my office door slamming behind her. The employees were already talking about it, I was sure. I didn’t need to make it worse or draw more attention to us by going after her like some sort of knight in shining armor. Something I was most definitely not.
So, I sat as the word “pregnant” flashed over and over in my mind, like a neon light.
What the fuck?
I never wanted to be a father. Had never even come close to imagining what that life might be like because it was so outside the realm of what my life had become. What I had built it to be. There was no room for a baby or a wife for that matter because besides never wanting to be a father, I had never wanted to be a husband either. There was no white picket fence in the cards for me. No perfect family, as if there was such a thing to exist. No big house with a swing set and a dog to play with in the backyard.
Maybe it was because my own childhood had been less than the fairytale ideal, with a father who was never around and a mother who excused him for it by taking on the weight until it wore her down into nothing. That wouldn’t bemylife.
Yet still, as I sat at my desk staring at the shut door and felt the absence Sadie had left abruptly behind, I found myself curiousabout the what ifs of things I had never even let myself think twice about. The reality that I was going to be a father was sinking in. This baby was coming, whether I liked it or not. Though, Sadie made it clear I wasn’t fit to be a dad. A challenge that strangely intrigued me as I toyed with the idea.
What if Icouldbe? What if I couldmakemyself want this? What if we gave it a shot and became a family?
I could almost see it. See Sadie twirling around, her red hair whipping across her smiling face as our baby giggled in her arms. She would be one hell of a mother. There was no doubt. It was easy to picture her taking on that role, but it was difficult to picture myself and where I would fit in. I let my imagination wander to coming home from work and being greeted by a toothless smile, as our baby crawled toward me as Sadie looked on proudly. We might not be able to have a big, grassy yard. My penthouse would have to do. There were worse places to live. And this was New York. People raised families here every day.
These images were almost too sweet. Too impossible to spend any more time on.
All of it was enough to make me laugh out loud behind my desk as I ran my hands down my cheeks.
It was batshit crazy, not to mention messy.
Sadie was myassistant. She hadn’t signed on to be mother of my child. But then again,fuckingwasn’t part of the job description either. Yet, it led to this. Soon, Sadie would be showing. Theoffice would put two and two together, and eventually the media would too. They were already invested in my life, writing articles about my business ventures or doing profile features on me as a CEO. I was in the public eye, and there was no getting out of it now.
It would only be a matter of time before they caught wind of this. Some unknown source, or an employee with a vendetta or an eye on a hefty payout, would come forward with this secret. Then the world would know that I had knocked up my assistant. And they would light me on fire for it…
I could already see the PR nightmare unfolding, all because I couldn’t keep it in my damn pants.
My stocks would plummet. The HR department would audit the shit out of this place. My ethics would be put up for review and questioning. My business would be held under a microscope. Clients would leave, not wanting to be associated with me. My reputation would be ruined.
It was a mess I couldn’t allow to happen. If Sadie insisted on going through with having this baby, then she would have to keep the details of us confidential. I would make her sign an NDA if I had to. I would not let myself lose everything.
But before we got into any of that, I owed her an apology. If anything, it would make our next, more difficult conversations go more smoothly. At least, I hoped.
I stopped pacing and stepped up to her door. I gritted my teeth, before rapping my knuckles against the white wood.
I waited a moment, but she didn’t answer.
I tried knocking again, more firmly this time.
Still nothing.
“Sadie…” I called through the door. “It’s me. Please, let me in. I just want to talk.”
I listened for any sign of life beyond her door, but couldn’t hear anything. The silence was deafening.
