A sad’s lifeless body is in front of me. His head is tilted forward, blood drips from his mouth, his nose and the new hole I made. I’m still holding the smoking gun, wondering why the long-sought feeling of satisfaction is… missing.
Instead, I’m filled with… despair.
It’s not the only feeling right now, but the one that stands out the most. After all these years… I never thought he could be alive...
A slave? Why didn’t I think about that? Maybe because of what’s happening in my head right now. I’m being tormented by my imagination. I’m picturing him begging for mercy, trying to get out of many situations I can’t say out loud.
Just like Sarah did.
My brother must feel alone, and he’s probably beyond hopelessness. I can’t imagine what must have gone through his mind when we didn’t come for him when we didn’t claim his body.
How could we?
I clench my fist and punch sideways fast, cutting the air, until it smashes against the door frame and cracks the wood. I let out a violent scream and muffle Bad Blood’s.
“ARRGGH!” Despair, fear, frustration, hate, anger… all these feelings in that scream.
How could I be this stupid?
A hand touches my shoulder. I open my eyes, only to find myself on my knees, crying at the floor like it’s god himself.
“What happened, brother?” Rage asks as he looks at Asad’s body and me at the same time, trying to connect the dots and to understand why I’m like this.
I stand up immediately, wipe the tears off my face as fast as I can. Maybe I’m lucky and they won’t stay in Rage’s memory for long.
“Don’t worry about it. I gotta go.” I start to clean up the place.
“Leave it. I’ll take care of this later. I’m not done here yet,” Rage says with a determined look in his eyes.
“I’ll leave you to it, then.” I don’t have time to worry about Rage’s problems. I know it sounds selfish, but I just confirmed my fucking brother is alive. We shake hands. “Thanks.”
“No. You owe me.”
“Damn straight.”
I walk back to where the vehicles are. My mind is quiet for once. I’m back to my old self, walking around with the night as my ally. The crickets stop chirping whenever my boots graze the grass near them. A gentle dew washes my face. A few sun rays start coming out of the horizon. But I can’t focus on all that beauty.
My brother was alive all this time, and I didn’t do anything to find him. I need to stop. There’s too much raw information; it’s blinding my judgment.
Once I finally dissipate the black cloud that surrounds me, I find myself parked in front of my house. My hands are still grabbing the steering wheel firmly.
I know what I have to do now, but I can’t find the courage to go in and face it.
Staring at the door as if it was the doorway to my salvation, my soul crumbles a little more just at the thought of my next move. Now that Asad is dead, Sarah’s finally free from him and from me, from this life and its fucking shortcomings. She never told me her answer, and I’ll never hear it. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I want her to be with me.
I love her. I’m Goddamn sure about that.
What if she loves me back?
Unlikely, but a sliver of faith makes a man believe.
I still remember the first time I saw her. She was terrified. I knew right there and then I was doomed. I lied to myself to avoid admitting that fact. Hearing her screams and causing her tears was my torment. I hated hurting her, I hated them for watching; but I hated myself even more and that helped me through it. That’s when I realized that pain was the path to redemption. Every crack of the whip was a reminder that someday I was going to pull her out of there and save her. The antihero was finally going to save her.
Now, Sarah lives in a bubble. Her lack of memories towards me is just an anesthetic to survive everything that’s happening now. I know when she wakes up, she will hate me forever, and I’d rather not be around when that happens.
When you really love someone, you always wish them the best, even if that hurts like a twisting knife going deep inside of you.
It’s inevitable— every single person I loved disappeared. First, Dante, then my parents and now… Sarah. At least with Sarah, I’m the one choosing to disappear, for her own sake.
