Bruno
Sarah cuts the thread with her teeth after finishing my stitches. She also brought me a clean change of clothes and something to eat. The guilt is still eating her alive, which is interesting if you consider what I did to her for three long years. This should have felt like some sort of payback or a step forward to getting even, and yet she feels guilty for hurting me. Her humanity surprises me once more.
“Who was that man?” Sarah asks. She looks more relaxed now.
“Like I said before— the less you know, the better. He helped us; let’s leave it at that.” I regain composure, my body stiffs a little when she brings up Rage. He’s not someone I want near Sarah, ever. I know my hostility towards the subject pushes her away by making her uncomfortable, but at the same time she grows adamant about it and she won’t stop prying. I have to find a way to distract her from it. “I don’t want you to worry about anything right now. Asad is weak and pissed. That works to our advantage. It’s only a matter of hours before he exposes himself trying to flush us out, and that’s when he’s going to make a mistake.”
Sarah keeps quiet; I can see the cogs spinning in her head.
“I don’t think I can do it…”
“Do what?”
“Kill Leon.”
“What changed?”
“I did.”
“How so?”
“You were right all along. Something inside me changed the night I shot that biker at the motel… But… how could I not do it? He was about to kill you, and I… I had to kill him, a stranger. Someone unknown to me was going to kill you, and it happened so fast… I… I…”
I walk up to her and hug her. “Hey… hey... it’s okay.”
“I keep playing the scene in my head like a movie, over and over. I did something that affected a person’s life directly. The more I think about it, the more pain I feel.”
I hear her speak and recognize the sorrow. I know that feeling. I felt the same the first time I took a man’s life. I thought I was going crazy. The same moment I pulled the trigger, I felt something inside me dying. It doesn’t matter how much booze you chug down, the first confirmed kill brands you and the feeling never goes away.
“That’s why I was trying to talk you out of it. It’s not easy for anyone; unfortunately, you were in a dire situation and reacted accordingly to save another human’s life. In this case, mine, and for that I thank you. Now that I think about it, you saved me twice. You have a gift.”
“A gift?”
“Yes, a gift. You have the ability to see an opportunity and the courage to take it.”
“What do you mean?”
“You cut me loose…”
“Yes, but a lot was going on at the time.”
“There was a diversion, yes. But not many people would have seen that as an opportunity and you acted upon it. Sarah, you are a brave, confident, kind, funny woman. You always were. I hope you see that now as clearly as I do. Stop fighting yourself and start embracing your new you.”
She looks at me a little puzzled. A part of her understands what I’m saying; the other part shyly looks away and smiles. That smile bewitches me for a few seconds every time.
“Back there, before going into the warehouse… you said that… you need me…”
“I did…” I say firmly on the outside, but on the inside, I’m scared shitless.
“What did you mean by that?” She asks naively. But make no mistake— that’s a razor-sharp question.
“You know what I meant.”
“I wanna hear you say it.”
I grab her hand and put it on my chest. When I’m sure she feels my heart pounding, I say, “This thing that I feel is not what matters now. Don’t think for a second that I don’t see how uncomfortable I make you feel, that you can’t look into my eyes for more than five straight seconds without triggering a bad memory… about what happened… about what I did… I totally get that this is fucked up, but I’m not gonna lie to you. You were the only one in my mind for years. All I wanted was to keep you safe, from them and all that shit. But having you here, with me, makes me realize that I want to give you what you need, want and desire. I’m also aware that I’m not the best option for your life, that our story’s filled with blood and tears. I guess what I’m saying is you have the last word. The decision is yours and yours alone. The power is in your hands. From now on you write your own history.”
Sarah looks jumpy for most of my confession as if she’s about to interrupt me after every word, up until the very end. That makes her lips seal, and I can see she’s digesting my words. I don’t regret saying what I said. I want her to feel empowered and to realize she’s free to choose. She’s no longer the victim here, and if in her freedom she ends up leaving me, that’s something I’m ready to accept. In the off-chance she sticks around, I know I’ll do everything to win her love.
