“I did, it was necessary. I did it to protect the mission. Plus, it didn’t mean anything.” I chuckle. Funny thing is, she’s giving me a hard time for spanking her ass and not for saying ‘I love you.’
“Right, ‘the mission.’ Who was that guy back there?” Nothing about my confession yet.
“He’s a prospect, meaning he’s a low-ranked gang member. The same gang that’s helping Leon. They’re everywhere these days.” The expression on her face has a mix of fear, concern, and violence. I gently tap her left thigh twice with my right hand, trying to convey some peace of mind.
We share the next ten minutes in complete silence.
“What was your mother like, Bruno?” This is the second personal question she asks— it’s progress, right? Remembering my mother makes me sad as fuck, but she asked and I need to answer.
“Well, she was a stay-at-home mom. She was always cooking something for the three of us, four if you count Carter, who spent more time at my house than his. My dad, Dante, Carter and I were always hungry and we ate like cavemen.” Sarah laughs; that makes me feel good. This is the first time she laughs at something I say. “But when Dante suffered his tragic and gruesome death after he disappeared, she simply lost her glow and began to shut down. She wasn’t talkative or funny anymore. The same thing happened to my father not long after.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” she says sincerely while touching her chest with her right palm.
“Thanks. They stopped living their own lives and started worrying about Dante’s. They insisted on watching a video of him that was being transmitted all around the internet. Watching my brother die on camera was devastating, for all of us. We could almost feel his despair, pain, and sorrow. It was too much for them. The day I lost Dante, I also lost my parents. That’s the day I decided to go on my own; Carter then followed me.
“Do you think it was worth it? I mean, to sacrifice your life.” My brain heard that question and answered twice.
Yes.
No.
“Yes,” I say immediately. “Counter-terrorism was something in my to-do list. I really believe we must fight back, protect the colors of this country and by doing that I also protect my family, my home… After a while, everything went blurry. When they approached me with the mission, I was in a very dark place, so coming on board was really easy for me. I had nothing else to lose, or so I thought. The rest is ancient history and, as every history book tells us, something always goes south, fast. Which made me reconsider a few things.” I look at her, waiting for a sign that tells me that she understands what I’m trying to say. And I see it— she blushes and turns towards the window. I think she does understand.
“Do you ever regret it? Accepting the mission?” She doesn’t turn after asking this one. I’ve been waiting for it. I even rehearsed this moment in my head a thousand times, practiced my answer and everything, and yet it takes me by surprise anyway.
“No.” She turns around in awe. She didn’t see it coming that fast and without hesitation. “To be completely honest, I was about to lean towards quitting more than once, but then I thought about what they would do to you. I couldn’t shake the image of those sickos touching you just like they touched other women, and I… I couldn’t stand it. Leaving you behind was not an option, even when staying meant inflicting pain upon you in the process. I would rather have you hate me for the rest of our lives than turn my back on you.” She’s listening to me carefully, her eyes are full of understanding, empathy, and guilt.
Fuck, she really understands.
“I don’t hate you, Bruno…”
Those five words… I never thought I’d hear them from her. I feel a shroud of relief descending upon me, the same feeling you get when your loved ones embrace you. She doesn’t know how much those words mean to me. I let my eyes close for a second and force myself to open them again.
God… I’m going nuts.
“Thanks.” That’s all I can say. My hand meets hers, and both of them float between us. Perhaps she hasn’t noticed yet, but we have come a long way. At first, she wouldn’t have any kind of physical contact with me, and now we’re holding hands in the car.
We have evolved.
I want to touch her, kiss her… Get my tongue inside her…
...Stop!
“Do you think killing him will help me move on, you know… have some closure?”
“No. It might help in some way. After the mission ended, I understood that moving on, closure is only possible if you really want it. It’s all in your head, it’s up to you.”
“I understand.” She looks sad now.
I put on some music to lighten up the mood. “Revolver” by The Beatles was my favorite record growing up.
What a shocker, right?
The Beatles are always a good choice, they were back then for me and they are now for us. The best tracks from my favorite band go by and Sarah’s still quiet. I turn to look at her as soon as “Love You” starts to play. The Hindi sounds paired with mysticism always make it the perfect melody. She sits through it calmly. “Here, There and Everywhere” makes her eyes open wide, letting me know she recognizes the song.
It wasn’t a coincidence. Nothing I ever do is a coincidence.
“That’s the song you always sing to me!” I nod, smiling like a complete idiot. “It’s beautiful. Who is it?”
