But today, I’m consumed with my own problems and stare moodily into my drink as Hank motions to the bartender.
“Whiskey on the rocks,” he orders. “Thanks, bud. So what’s up?” he asks, clapping me on the shoulder again. “Why the need for Dr. Hank this evening? Spill it,” he smirks. “I’m here to solve your problems.”
“I don’t think you can solve this one,” I rasp moodily.
Hank grins.
“You never know. Shoot.”
I stare at my beer again but then begin talking.
“So I’m fucking my ward. Yeah, I have a teenage girl staying at my house, and I’m fucking her.”
“Whoa whoa whoa,” Hank says, holding both hands up, palms out. “Slow down. Where the fuck did she come from? How the hell did you get a woman under your roof?”
I shrug uncomfortably, a harsh stain darkening my cheeks.
“It’s a long story but basically, her mom was my personal secretary. Sally passed, and asked me to look out for herdaughter. It’s not a formal legal arrangement or anything like that because Jenna’s already eighteen. But yeah, she’s living with me while she finishes high school, and I’ve been fucking that tight, teenage body every night.”
Hank stares at me, silent for a moment, but then begins laughing. He lets out giant whoops of mirth, practically crying as he doubles over the bar.
“Are you for real? So you’re fucking a hot teenage girl, and you’re complaining about it? What the fuck is wrong with you, my man? Most guys would give their right arms to be you.”
I shoot him a disgusted look.
“Did you not hear what I said? Her mom trusted me. Left her daughter in my care, even. And look what I’ve done! I’m using the sweet young thing’s three holes, day in, day out, for hours. There were even mornings when I didn’t let Jenna go to school because I wanted more time in her pussy. So do you see how fucked up this is? How I’ve completely violated a dead woman’s trust? How I’m screwed in the head, and how I’ve fucked up on a million different levels?”
Hank is still wiping tears from his eyes.
“Yeah, you’re an asshole but you’ve always been one, so what’s new? I mean, for real my man, when did you ever care about other people? Or have any morals? I understand this woman was your secretary, but she’s dead and gone. Even if she were still alive, would it make a difference? My guess is that you’d still be fucking her daughter non-stop.”
“It would make a difference,” I say, stung. “For your information, I’m not a heartless dumbfuck. Other peoples’ opinions matter.”
“You could have fooled me,” Hank says in a wry tone before taking a long pull from his drink. “I mean, I’ve known you for a long time, and you didn’t give a shit when you fucked that one lady professor in the hallway. What was her name again? Anne Coleman or Codman or Coley? Damn, she was a hot MILF who lost her job because the department head saw your shenanigans, right? But you didn’t give a fuck that Professor Coleman was out of a job. That was her life, and her problem to manage.”
“That was thirty years ago,” I say stiffly. “When we were undergrads.”
Hank shrugs, still smirking.
“Yeah, but you haven’t changed, my man. You fuck ladies left and right, and then discard them afterwards. You haven’t been in a serious relationship in decades, and why would you? Pussy practically throws itself at you, so why go out looking for strange when it’s already smacking you in the face? How does it taste, by the way?” Hank asks, his blue eyes agleam. “Does that cunt taste like cheese or fish? It’s always one or the other.”
I shoot him a disgusted look.
“You’re a fucking douche, you know that?”
“That I am,” my bud says in a pleased tone. “But take it from me because you’re overthinking shit, bud. I get that you’re this girl’s guardian, but it’s not even real. You didn’t sign an agreement, and now, she’s eighteen. So yeah, the mother is dead, and the daughter is safely in your bed, creaming and moaning every night with your big dick jammed up in her pussy. What’s there to complain about? Is her twat not tight enough? You know these young girls go loose at an early age sometimes?—”
I go rigid.
“Jenna’s pussy is insanely small, and I’m not complaining,” I say in a stiff voice. “Snowflower is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and she’s sweet, smart?—”
“Snowflower?” my friend cackles, practically crying with laughter now. “Are you shitting me? What’s next? Are you going to get a ring and knock her up? You, Richard Purdy, asshole extraordinaire? Now this, I have to see.”
I get up because obviously, Hank is no help. He’s too fucking crude to listen because all he thinks about is pussy and ass. Maybe it’s because he’s a plastic surgeon, so his business literallyispussy and ass. But still, this is obviously pointless, and I turn to leave.
“Hey, I’m sorry my man,” Hank says, clapping me on the back again. “It’s my fault. Here, I’ll tell you what I think in a nutshell. You feel guilty for boning some woman’s daughter, but you shouldn’t because one, she’s of legal age. Two, a woman is always someone’s daughter. We’re all someone’s son or daughter. Three, said woman is now dead, so she wouldn’t know, and you’re worrying about someone who’s six feet under. Four, if you really want to alleviate your conscience, then you should talk to said Snowflower and get her opinion. Have you thought of that?"
My shoulders slump.
