'You need to tell us what happened at The Heath,' he murmurs.
I frown at him. ‘You want to talk about The Heath?’ I ask. 'Now?’
'You have something else in mind?' he asks.
I look up at him. 'I can think of a thousand things I'd rather do than talk about The Heath.'
Shade just stares at me and I sigh dramatically. ‘They didn't hurt me.'
Mav sits down next to us, and his fingertip grazes my cheek.
I wince.
‘Except that,’ I amend.
‘Who did that?' he asks.
‘One of the Blanks,’ I say, 'but, in fairness, I think I broke his nose first.'
‘What else?’ Blake asks.
'I got zapped a few times, of course, but it was nothing compared to Joe's Stinger. So, it's sort of a footnote in the whole thing,' I say airily.
'But there's more,' Shade says.
It's not a question, and I let out a long breath.
'Fine. If we really have to do this right now…’
I lean against him and stare up at the ceiling. It’ll be easier to talk if I’m not looking at their faces.
‘Going back there… When I first came out, I was glad that they had cured me. I was even grateful to Stoke for the years I had been there, for making sure that I had learned all the important rules I was supposed to know.'
'But, then, once I was out, I realized I wasn't cured at all, and all those silly rules they made me learn… They weren't really for me, they were so that all the people around me would be comfortable. They made me change who I was so that other people would be happy.'
I glance around at them and see they’re all listening intently to my words.
'When I woke up and I was back there,’ I continue, ‘I recalled how the first year was for me. My mom left. I thought she was coming back. She never did. I got no mail, no phone calls. I was so lonely.'
I stop for a moment, swallowing hard, and Mav holds out a bottle of water, which I gratefully accept if only to have something to do while I think about what to say next.
'They broke me down,' I say quietly after I take a few gulps. 'Weeks and weeks of learning their rules. From how to sit and stand, to when to speak and what to say. I was punished when I didn't follow them. I lost desserts or outside privileges. I got zapped. Other things, too. I was put in the cells downstairs if I talked back or spoke up, or if I got angry. And I wasn't the only one. After that, it got better. Once I became their perfect little resident, they eased up. I was rarely corrected. I was allowed out on runs, and to do online courses.’
I look back up at the ceiling.
'So, I guess, I forgot how awful it was. I was there for all the rest of those years, and it wasn't so bad, you know? It was just normal. I’d learned all the rules and I knew what I had to do.’
‘So, what happened this time to change it?’ Mav asks. ‘Did they try to break you down again?’
‘I little,’ I shrug, ‘but it wasn’t really me. There was ateenage boy there. William. New. He didn't know what to do. The way they treated him…’
I shake my head.
‘I saw how upset he was, and I remembered how upset I was when I got there. I remembered how I felt back then and,’ I close my eyes, feeling like I'm going to cry.
‘I couldn't save him. I left him there. He just wanted his mother to come back, take him away, and I kept wondering if she knew what was happening to him, what they were doing in the name of curing him. Will he leave one day and be a different person? Will he think like I did, that The Heath did him a favor?’
I break off and open my eyes.
