“What consequences did Sonia’s death have for you?”
“I got Anton back.”
“You got Anton back. Was that all?”
“Yes.”
“Why do you think you got back together with someone who had betrayed you like that?”
“I wanted him close so I could see him suffer. See him mourn his loss, devoured by it the way I had been. I held on to him for a while, then I told him I didn’t love him anymore and left him.”
“You’d got your revenge?”
“Yes. And it had also dawned on me why I had actually wanted him in the first place.”
“And that was?”
“Because he was married and unavailable. And because he was tall and fair-haired. He reminded me of someone I used to love.”
Erland noted that this was evidently also important, but it was something they would have to come back to at a later stage of the therapy.
“Let’s get back to the trauma, Kaja. You said you felt guilty. Can I ask what might sound like the same question, even though it isn’t: Do you regret it?”
Kaja put one finger under her chin, as if to show him she was thinking about it.
“Yes,” she said. “But at the same time it gave me a strange sense of relief. I felt better.”
“You felt better after Sonia died?”
“I felt better after I’dkilledSonia.”
Erland Madsen made a note.Felt better after killing. “Can you describe what you mean by that?”
“Free. I felt free. Killing someone was like crossing some sort of border. You think there’s a fence, some sort of wall, but when you cross it you realise that it’s just a line someone’s drawn on a map. Sonia and I, we had both crossed a boundary. She was dead, and I was free. But first and foremost, I felt better because the man who had betrayed me was suffering.”
“You’re talking about Anton?”
“Yes. He was suffering, so I didn’t have to. Anton was my Jesus. My personal Jesus.”
“In what way?”
“I crucified him so he could take on my suffering, the way we did with Jesus. Because Jesus didn’t put himself on the cross,wehung him up there, that’s the whole point. We achieved salvation and eternal life by killing Jesus. God couldn’t do much, God didn’t sacrifice his son. If it’s true that God gave us free will, then we killed Jesus against God’s will. And the day we realise that, that we defied God’s will, that’s the day we set ourselves free, Madsen. And then everything can happen.”
Kaja Solness laughed, and Erland Madsen tried in vain to formulate a question. Instead he sat there looking at the peculiar glint in her eyes.
“My question is,” she said, “if it was so liberating last time, should I try it again? Should I crucify the real Jesus? Or am I just mad?”
Erland Madsen moistened his lips. “Who’s the real Jesus?”
“You didn’t answer my question. Have you got an answer for me, Doctor?”
“That depends what you’re really asking.”
Kaja smiled and let out a deep sigh. “Quite true,” she said, then looked at the watch on her slender wrist. “Looks like we’re out of time.”
After she had gone, Erland Madsen sat there looking at his notes. He wrote at the bottom of the page:NB! Dig deeper into this next time. What does “better after killing someone”mean?
—
