‘She struggled with her mental health,’ he confides. ‘It wasn’t obvious to many, not even to me at first. She kept it hidden, because of the stigma, I suppose. She had a skilled job as a radiographer. I don’t think anyone ever suspected: her colleagues, the agency she worked for.’ He looks at me as if he can’t quite grasp it. ‘It was after her mother and stepfather split up that things began to unravel. Thatshedid. She would have these… manic episodes is the only way I can describe them. She would be present, but not, if you get my meaning. Part of her would disappear, the fun, relaxed part of her. The part that was left just wasn’t her. She would wander off sometimes. Walk out of the door without a word. She could never recall where she’d been, except occasionally when a smell or a flashback might remind her, a bar maybe, or a hotel we might pass.’
Falling quiet, he runs his fingers through his hair, and I can see that he’s struggling.
‘The sea was pitch black the night she disappeared,’ he goes on throatily. ‘Despite an extensive search, she was never found. I knew in my gut that… They found one of her shoes, eventually. It washed up on a beach in Antigua.’
He pauses, and I wait, sensing he needs some time.
‘It was examined forensically but it didn’t yield much,’ he continues quietly. ‘Then they found her bag. It had fallen on top of one of the lifeboats, somehow managed to get wedged between the housing mechanism and the ship. The guess was she must have lost it going in.’
Again he pauses. His eyes are filled with dark shadows as they come back to mine. ‘I still have no idea how to process it, let alone how to deal with it. I’m not sure Evie ever will. And the worst of it is, the police think I have something to do with it.’ His expression is one of incredulity. ‘I had no reason to want to harm mywife. I mean, why would I? I loved her.’
My heart jars, my mind shooting back to the fateful night I will never forget, his wife the life and soul of the party, talking to everyone, mostly men – any man but him.No.As the thought enters my head, I dismiss it.Recalling his mild demeanour, the way he’d smiled tolerantly when she’d spilled her wine, how tolerant he’d been of Mark’s rudeness, knowing now how caring he is, the idea is preposterous.
SIX
JACK
Jack saw the flicker of uncertainty cross Kara’s face and prayed he hadn’t planted a seed of doubt in her mind. ‘But didn’t you see her at all after she came on board?’ she asked, confused, as she clearly would be. ‘You said the ship had set sail, that her identity bracelet had tracked her coming back, but did you not see her or speak to her?’
Jack shook his head. ‘She tended to go off when she became overwhelmed. She would scream at me that she needed space. I looked for her. Scoured the pools, decks and bars. After making sure she actually had been checked in, I assumed she was on board somewhere. Getting a massage, possibly. I… no, I didn’t see her. I wish every minute of every day that I’d looked harder.’
Kara nodded thoughtfully. ‘And you tried to call her phone?’ She asked the inevitable next question.
‘Several times,’ Jack confirmed with a heavy sigh. ‘It kept going to voicemail.’ He repeated what he’d told the authorities. ‘I thought maybe she didn’t want to be found. She would do that. It was the way she was, seeming to go into herself sometimes, extrovert other times. Obviously it was to do with her illness, something I wasn’t aware of for many years, which I know sounds incredible, but… She was good at hiding it.’
Shrugging hopelessly, he trailed off. Did she believe him? There was sympathy in her eyes, but still confusion. He couldn’t blame her. It sounded implausible that he would come back on board, see no sign of his wife, have no contact with her and just assume she was all right. Kara was clearly bewildered by all he’d disclosed. Her eyes as they met his were full of conflicting emotion, incomprehension and shock. Also compassion, he noted, and he dared hope. He needed to be believed. He needed her to believe him.
‘How is your daughter now?’ she asked, her brow furrowed in concern. ‘Evie, isn’t it? How is she coping?’
‘Evie, yes. She’s okay,’ he answered with a small smile. ‘She tries to be. For me, I suspect. She struggled at school at first. I think because people didn’t know how to be around her.’
‘I get that.’ Kara’s eyes, a myriad of forest greens and intrinsically kind, were filled with empathy. ‘People never quite know what to say to you, do they? Because they feel uncomfortable, I suppose.’
‘I guess it reminds them of their own mortality.’ Jack nodded in agreement. ‘I tend to avoid people I know are going to ask me how I am. There’s no way to answer, is there? You’re hardly going to say fine.’
‘No.’ She smiled sadly. ‘My stock answer is “coping”, though I’m often not.’
He smiled understandingly. ‘The thing is, I need to move on. At least try to anyway. For Evie’s sake. There’s a huge void in her life. There always will be. But I have to convince her that it’s okay forherto move on, you know? To let go of any guilt she might be carrying, and have a future.’
‘Of course you do. But you have to let go of the guilt too, Jack,’ Kara said, looking him over kindly.
‘I know.’ He sighed. ‘It’s easier said than done, though, isn’t it?’
‘You will get through it,’ she assured him. ‘I know you will because you know you have to be strong for your daughter. You’re obviously a very caring man. Evie might not feel it right now, but she’s lucky to have you as a father.’
‘Thank you.’ Pressing his thumb against his forehead, Jack took a breath and glanced down. ‘I just hope I’m enough. Given her age and everything, I mean.’ Drawing in another sharp breath, he pinched the bridge of his nose as a tear squeezed from his eyes. ‘Shit, sorry,’ he mumbled. ‘Sorry, I, er…’
‘Hey, it’s okay,’ Kara said softly, reaching to place a hand on his arm. ‘Men are allowed to cry, you know.’
He swallowed. ‘I’m not sure Natalia would agree with you,’ he said, swiping a hand across his face.
Kara widened her eyes, clearly surprised by that revelation.
‘She couldn’t abide men who gave in to their emotions,’ he explained. ‘She said I was weak the one time I did.’
‘Really?’ Kara’s look was now one of astonishment.
‘She’d suffered abuse at the hands of a man who gave in to his weaknesses,’ he disclosed. ‘Something else I didn’t learn until it became obvious she was struggling mentally. I suppose it hardened her view of men,’ he went on disconsolately. ‘Having lost my entire family to a house fire, though, I considered I had good reason to break down and weep.’
