‘I’m due at my girlfriend’s.’ Joe turned to where she was standing in the bathroom doorway and his heart sank. She was undressed, wearing nothing but a hand towel, which barely covered the essentials.Christ.What was she doing?
‘Oh,’ she said, sounding piqued. ‘I thought …’
‘Thought what?’ Joe asked, trying hard to keep his eyes averted as he squeezed past her.
‘Nothing.’ She followed him down the short corridor to the lounge area. ‘It’s just … I didn’t think your phone call ended very amicably.’
She’d obviously been listening. He turned, squinting at her semi-amusedly. ‘We’re fine,’ he lied. ‘She wondered why I would be in the company of a woman shouting about bath taps, obviously – my bedsit doesn’t have a bath,’ he reminded her, possibly childishly, ‘but she’ll be fine when I explain.’ He doubted very much that Sarah would be anything of the sort. Would he if the shoe were on the other foot?
Courtney dropped her gaze, her cheeks flushing with embarrassment. Was it genuine?Joe didn’t think so. Courtney didn’t get embarrassed easily. ‘You won’t tell her everything, will you?’ She looked back at him, tears welling in her eyes, Joe noted, sighing inwardly. ‘About the baby, I mean. I know you have to tell her something, but …’
Her hand strayed to her stomach, and Joe felt his heart twist. She might have been lying. The baby might not even have been his. She’d told so many lies when they were together, each one tripping glibly off her tongue and piercing his chest like a knife, he’d struggled to believe anything she said in the end. This vulnerability, though? This was different. Not the Courtney he knew.
‘It’s just … it still feels so raw.’ She dropped her gaze again. ‘I know it’s all been a shock for you and that you might feel you need someone to talk to, but …’
Joe did. He’d thought he’d found that someone. Now, because of his own stupidity, he’d probably lost her.
‘I think I’m still grieving, to be honest.’ She looked back at him, her eyes filled with such heartache, Joe couldn’t help but feel for her. ‘I know how badly you wanted children, and that part of you will probably be grieving too,’ she went on, wiping a tear from her cheek. ‘I’m probably the last person you feel you could talk to, but … I don’t know, I can’t bear the thought of you talking to a stranger about him. Can you understand?’
Him? It was a boy? Joe felt something crack inside him. ‘Yes,’ he said gruffly. ‘I get it.’ He wasn’t sure he did, but he doubted very much he would be talking to anyone about this. It wasn’t the sort of thing he would discuss with his colleagues. Who else did he have, apart from Sarah? She was highly unlikely to be in the listening mood.
‘I knew you would.’ Courtney smiled sadly. ‘You’re a good man, Joe. I was an idiot to let you go.’
Joe knew how she felt. He was very much the idiot right now, for letting Sarah go. For not being there for her when he should have been. For calling her from the apartment. Whywas he here? Would it have been too late for him and Courtney if she had carried the baby full term? Could they have somehow mended their relationship? No, they couldn’t; he knew that categorically. They were way past broken; irreparable. He’d been devastated by her infidelity, crushed inside for so long. And then one day he’d woken up to the fact that he’d simply stopped loving her. He could have co-parented, though. Would have, willingly.
‘What’s she like? Your girlfriend?’ Courtney asked. ‘I saw her briefly at the pub, as you know. She seemed nice, natural.’
‘She is,’ Joe said, his heart twisting afresh. ‘She’s kind …’ He was going to say she was a good mother to Ollie, but stopped himself. That would be cruel, given Courtney’s circumstances. ‘Thoughtful. Genuine, you know?’
He hadn’t meant to make the point that Courtney wasn’t any of those things, but the fact was, she wasn’t. He hadn’t been looking for a relationship when he’d bumped into Sarah. When he had, though … she’d felt like a breath of fresh air. She had no hidden side to her, he knew that from when they’d gone out together way back. She hadn’t changed. She’d still been the same pretty, shy, caring woman he’d known then. He’d lain awake for hours last night, wondering how it had all gone so wrong, but he knew that too. It was his fault, not Sarah’s. He’d been so determined not to be on the receiving end of the kind of crap he’d been through with Courtney, he hadn’t stopped to remind himself that Sarah wasn’t her. She wasn’t the sort of person who would use him. He doubted very much she would have embarked on a physical relationship with him if she hadn’t had feelings for him. When she made love with him, it was completely. The way she touched him, the way she kissed him, the way she breathed out his name …
He loved her. In that moment, he realised that part of him always had, if that were possible with the mother of all fucked-up relationships in between. He needed to talk to her, tolistento her; stop judging her because of his own paranoia. This new development with Laura she’d mentioned, that wasn’t her being neurotic. He needed her to know he was on her side.
He’d call her from the car, he decided. Pray that she would accept his apology – again – and tell her he would do his best to look into Laura’s background. If she was going to question Steve about his girlfriend’s mysterious past, he would offer to go with her. She might not want him to, but he didn’t like the idea of her confronting her ex on her own.
‘I should go,’ he said, glancing back at Courtney. ‘You have my number if you—’ He stopped, apprehension knotting his stomach as he noticed that she appeared to be in pain, her face pale and her hands pressed hard to her pelvis. ‘Courtney, what’s wrong?’ He raced back to her as she doubled up. ‘What is it?’ Panic climbed his chest. ‘Tell me.’
‘Nothing,’ she gasped, and attempted to wave him away. ‘Go. I’m fine. I …’
Christ.‘It’s okay, I’ve got you,’ he said, sweeping her up as her legs gave way beneath her.
Twenty-Five
Laura
As she came down the stairs, Laura wondered who it was ringing the doorbell so early in the morning. Opening the front door, she was tempted to close it again fast. But for Steve, who appeared from the lounge, she would have done.
‘I’ve come to apologise,’ Sherry said, her smile uncertain rather than insincere as it normally was. Laura eyed her mistrustfully. What was she up to? Something, she had to be.
‘I visited my mother’s grave this morning – it’s my thinking space, as you know,’ Sherry went on. ‘I’ve been doing some reflecting and I’ve realised I was being unfair to you, not considering your feelings.’
Considering her …?Laura almost laughed. The woman had never considered her feelings in her life.
‘I overreacted last time I was here,’ Sherry continued undaunted, her expression contrite. ‘I wondered if we could …’ She paused and glanced past Laura to the hall. ‘Do you think I could come in, darling, rather than discussing things on the doorstep?’
Laura had absolutely nothing she wanted to discuss with her. There was neverany discussion between them, only ever Sherry insisting that the story she’d told the police about the night Jacob had disappeared was the truth; that Laura was wrong, that she was muddled. The woman was a liar. She was here because she was terrified of being found out.
Lauracouldn’tallow her into her life. To do that would be to lose all that she had, Steve and dear little Ollie. Steve would never understand why she’d felt drawn to Ollie, who really was the living, breathing image of Jacob. She didn’t understand it herself, other than that in having Ollie around, she felt as if she had a little piece of Jacob back. Steve might forgive her that. He might believe that she truly cared about him too. He couldn’t possibly understand, though, why she had to keep her mother outof her life now that he and Ollie were part of it. It was too unbelievable. Her mother would twist anything she told him. Cite her sleepwalking and amnesia as reasons for her confusion. She would show him doctors’ reports, irrefutable proof that her poor muddled daughter wasn’t in possession of her faculties that night, nor would she ever be, given that her condition still existed.
