He turned to face her, and her heart twisted. He looked utterly exhausted, jaded to his very bones. She wanted to go to him, hold him, have him hold her and make this all go away. But she couldn’t. It just wasn’t possible to close her eyes. She wasn’t sure it ever would be.
Jake’s gaze flicked up towards the bedrooms.
He was thinking about Ben overhearing, she guessed. ‘Outside?’ she suggested. The garden was big enough to allow them some privacy. It was her thinking place. She would be able to get her thoughts in better order there.
The evening was mild, the piquant smell of newly mown grass fresh on the air. It was a beautiful garden, a tranquil place. Emily had been so glad her demons had allowed her to overcome her fears and live here. Would she be able to in future? Her heart wrenched painfully again at the thought that she might have to leave her home, leaving her only good memories behind. She’d had no plans to.
Waiting until they were well out of earshot of the house, she broached the most urgent subject first. ‘Ben’s wondering whether he should go to the police,’ she said.
She felt Jake’s gaze snap to hers. ‘Did he say he’d caused the fire on purpose?’
She shook her head. ‘He says he went there because Millie told him she thought you were there, that I’d followed you. He said he saw us come out. That he wasn’t thinking about anything other than confronting him. What he planned to do then …’
Jake nodded.
Glancing at him, Emily could see his uncertainty; that his thinking was on a par with hers: that Ben might have gone to the garage intending to do what he did, despite his denial.
‘Do you want him to?’ he asked.
‘No,’ Emily answered honestly. ‘But if he can’t live with his conscience … I misjudged him,’ she admitted. ‘I imagined his genes might make him the cold, unfeeling person his father was. I was wrong. His volatility is more to do with rampant teenage hormones and his world falling apart around him. That’s my fault, not Ben’s.’
‘You can’t blame yourself, Emily,’ Jake said forcefully. ‘I wasn’t here. I should have been.’
She didn’t pursue it, though she might have done, because he was right: he hadn’t been. Raking over old coals wouldn’t achieve anything, though. She needed to let go of all the guilt and the negativity and move forward. ‘Will you support him? If he chooses to go to the police, will you be there for him?’
Jake didn’t hesitate. ‘He’s my son,’ he said adamantly. ‘As long as he wants me to be, I’ll always be there for him.’
Emily closed her eyes, breathing in the clean air, listening to the soft lap of the mill stream as they walked towards it. ‘I tried to save her,’ she said, stopping on the bank. ‘My sister, I tried to save her. I couldn’t.’
I’m sorry, sweetheart. We’ll be together again one day, and we’ll have such magical stories to tell.Seeing her sister’s face as she glanced down into the water, she prayed silently. There was no plaintive look in Kara’s eyes any more, no fear. It was possible she might even be smiling.
‘I have to let her go now.’
Jake nodded. He didn’t speak for a while. Then, ‘Can we save each other, Em?’ he asked, his voice choked.
‘I’m not sure,’ she answered. If they separated, they would be making sure that the monster who’d haunted her achieved his aim. He’d wanted them to fall apart. He’d ruined people’s lives to that end. He’d even tried to ruin Millie’s. He hadn’t had a caring bone in his body, no compassion for anyone. Jake was completely different. He cared for her, she knew that without a single shred of doubt. He cared for Millie and for Ben. He hadn’t realised that she was watching from the bedroom window, but she’d seen him come out here after the dreadful events on the day of the fire. He’d stood for a while looking up at the stars, then he’d buried his head in his hands and sat down and wept.
He cared for his patients, every single one of them. He cared for his bastard father too, hence his anger whenever he was around him, the agony in his eyes every time he spoke about him. Those weren’t the emotions of an unconcerned man.
Could she forgive him?
Could he forgiveher? They hadn’t had a moment alone together since Paul Lewis had met his just deserts – the animal deserved to burn in hell as far as Emily was concerned. She knew Jake cared, but was that enough? Did he love her? After all she’d felt over the years, imagined or otherwise, she couldn’t contemplate a life where she might be second best.
She braced herself to ask what she had to. She would know immediately whether there was any hope for them. Any way to move forward together. Marriage was a two-way street. Respect and trust were too. Without honesty, they had nothing. ‘Is it yours, Jake?’ she asked quietly. ‘Sally’s baby, is it yours?’
She heard his sharp intake of breath, felt his apprehension. ‘No,’ he said emphatically, after another agonising pause.
She waited. His next statement would seal their fate. Jake would know it. Lies in a relationship, after all, were the worst hurt of all. She’d hurt him immeasurably. His response now would tell her whether they were strong enough to move on, whether he wanted to.
She kept her gaze on the water, sure she could hear the frantic beating of her heart above the gentle swell of it.
‘How did you know?’ he asked eventually, his voice hoarse.
And there it was, honesty. And it hurt, so very much. ‘I’m a woman, Jake, remember?’ Wiping a tear from her face, she paraphrased something he’d said.
Nodding, Jake plunged his hands in his pockets, stared out at the water.
‘How many times?’ she asked.
