‘Have you ever cheated on him?’ Ben asked, catching her completely unawares.
It was an innocent question – he wanted to know whether his father might have had just cause – but still Emily’s stomach lurched. ‘No,’ she managed, past the parched lump in her throat. It wasn’t a lie. To cheat on someone was to make a conscious decision, wasn’t it? Hoping to God Ben couldn’t see the guilt she still felt in her eyes, she held onto that. She had to.
They fell quiet as their food arrived, each lost in their own thoughts, Ben and Millie looking as if they had as little appetite as she did for the dishes they’d ordered after barely glancing at the menu. Ben was furious; Emily could feel it. Millie seemed contemplative. They both sat with their gazes glued to the table.
Millie waited for the waitress to leave. Then: ‘Can you forgive him?’ she asked, looking at Emily hopefully. ‘Assuming he did cheat and that he admits it, could you?’
Emily was stumped for a reply. She couldn’t see how she could answer truthfully without going into the awful details. She didn’t want to talk to them about the devastating argument they’d had, the things Jake had accused her of – or about his relationship with Sally, which for reasons she could only imagine he’d neglected to tell her about. ‘I’m not sure,’ she replied slowly. ‘Things were said that can’t be unsaid.’
‘So you are going to split up, then?’ Ben practically glared at her.
‘Nothing’s been decided yet, Ben.’ Emily tried to reassure him, though she knew it didn’t sound very reassuring. ‘Your dad and I have to talk. We—’ Before she could say anything more, Ben scraped his chair back and yanked himself to his feet.
‘Ben …’ Emily jumped up too as he stormed away from the table. ‘Your food.’
He headed fast for the exit without looking back.
Emily was about to go after him, but Millie stopped her. ‘Leave him,’ she said, reaching to catch hold of her hand. ‘He probably needs some time alone.’
Emily scanned her eyes, and her heart jolted as she realised what Millie was trying to convey. Ben considered himself a man. He didn’t want his mother fussing over him while he was upset. How would the disintegration of his parents’ marriage affect him in the long-term, though, his relationships with women? Having heard his ‘love sucks’ retort earlier, that was Emily’s overwhelming worry: that he would become bitter or cynical and lose his capacity for love.
‘If it helps, I understand,’ Millie offered, as Emily dropped heavily back into her seat. ‘If my boyfriend cheated on me, I don’t think I could forgive him,’ she went on hesitantly, her expression a mixture of sympathetic and nervous.
Emily felt a smidgen of hope unfurl inside her. Millie was opening the door, inviting her in. Her daughter needed to talk to her. No;wantedto talk to her. Emily had worried for a while that she was losing her. But now she realised how deep that fear had become; a cold foreboding in the pit of her stomach, warning her that one day her daughter might disappear from her life, never to return. She knew she couldn’t bear that. She knew because she’d already lost someone.
Losing Kara had been like losing a limb. Losing Millie would be like losing a vital organ. And now her daughter was reaching out to her, albeit tentatively. Squeezing back her tears, Emily found herself clinging to that, a tiny life raft in the sea of turmoil her life had become.
Twenty-Four
Noting Ben’s coat slung over the newel post as she and Millie came through the front door, Emily felt a surge of relief.
‘I’ll go and put the kettle on,’ Millie said behind her as she looked warily up the stairs, clearly understanding that she was worried about him. ‘I’ll do some cheese and crackers as well, since we didn’t eat very much.’
‘Thanks, Millie.’ Emily smiled gratefully.
‘No probs.’ Millie gave her a rare smile back and headed for the kitchen.
Emily closed her eyes and silently thanked God. The foundations of her life were rocking, but she seemed to be getting her daughter back.Hope from the ashes, she thought sadly. Millie had obviously sensed she needed support and was trying her best to offer it. She was grateful, but also felt guilty. She desperately didn’t want Millie taking her side against Jake, for the special father and daughter bond between them to be broken.
Deciding she would have to gently broach that subject with her, she took a breath and climbed the stairs to check on her son first. Ben was struggling, that was clear. She had to talk to him and let him know he could confide in her. As concerned as she was about his tendency to fly off the handle, she also had to tell him it was okay to be angry. If he learned to suppress his emotions because of signals she sent out, it might ultimately be so much worse.
Tapping on his door, she waited a second, and then tentatively pushed it open and poked her head around it. Ben was in his chair, headphones on. Gaming, she saw. Stepping into the room, she waited until she had his attention, and then mouthed, ‘All right?’ She knew it was a ridiculous question. How could he be all right, having just learned his parents were falling apart?
He jabbed his controller a couple of times and then parked it on his PC table and pulled his headphones off – a reliable indication that he was far from all right. Normally it would take an earthquake, or the ring of the doorbell promising pizza, to tear him away from his gaming.
‘Yeah.’ He shrugged and wiped a hand under his nose. ‘Shit happens, doesn’t it?’
‘Nothing’s decided yet, Ben.’ Emily stepped closer. ‘We’re going through a bad patch right now, but we really do need to sit down and talk. We might be able to work things out.’
‘Right.’ He laughed scornfully. ‘Like he’s going to admit he’s screwing around.’
Emily’s heart wrenched with unbearable guilt. She should never have lost her temper, and shouted those awful things in earshot of her children. ‘I don’t know that he is yet, Ben,’ she said softly. ‘I know you overheard some things, but try not to judge him. I haven’t really given him a chance to defend himself, have I?’
Ben shrugged again and then nodded reluctantly.
Emily supposed it would have to suffice. ‘Millie’s doing cheese and crackers if you fancy some.’ She tried to tempt him downstairs.
Ben drew in a breath. ‘I’ll come down in a bit,’ he said, and reached for his controller again.
