Millie frowned. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ He was always saying things like that: ‘Pass on my regards to her’or ‘Give her my best’, which she couldn’t help thinking was sarcastic, as if he thought she was tied to her mum’s apron strings or something.
‘Nothing. I just have a lot on my mind, that’s all.’ Lighting up, he sighed and ran a hand through his tousled hair.
The pressing debt he had to pay, Millie guessed, to the man called Bear, who was as big as a bear and would rip his head off with his teeth if he didn’t meet his payments regularly.
‘Plus, I miss you when you’re not here, don’t I?’ he said, lying back on the bed. ‘Come over here and let me kiss those delicious lips of yours goodbye.’
Millie hesitated. She really did need to go.
‘I’ll sulk if you don’t.’ Giving her his best puppy-dog eyes, Louis stuck his bottom lip out. He looked like a petulant schoolboy. Millie laughed.
‘That’s better. You’re beautiful when you laugh,’ he said, his mouth curving into a languid smile as he patted the duvet next to him.
Twenty-Two
Emily
Having texted Millie and Ben to say she was running late, Emily attempted to compose herself as she drove home. She needed to mentally prepare herself for any questions they might have. Clearly they were both aware something was going on – Ben was shutting himself away in his room, as if he wasn’t already introverted enough; Millie was storming out and staying out, which caused Emily’s heart to twist with worry as she tried to imagine who she was with. She knew she had to be honest with them. To what degree, though? They’d heard her and Jake arguing. Should she say they were trying to work things out, which seemed unlikely after the heartbreaking argument they’d had? Prepare them for the possibility that their marriage might be irretrievably broken? She shouldn’t be having this meeting without Jake, but she couldn’t bring herself to include him when she believed he was lying to her. She couldn’t just leave her children wondering either, not when it was obvious – to her, at least – that they were suffering.
She still couldn’t believe that Jake seemed to think she was the one sending the letters, let alone that he had voiced his accusation – in earshot of Tom and Fran, of all people. Even Millie called the woman ‘Megamouth’. It would be the topic of conversation in no time, everyone imagining that she was responsible for what had happened to poor Zoe. To Natasha.
Her own husband believed she was. Emily felt a cold hollowness inside her, as if he’d already left her. He’d decided she’d sent the notes before he knew the contents of the email. In telling him, she realised that she’d only given him more reason to think that she had. Did he imagine now that she’d deleted the email to cover her tracks, assuming he believed it ever existed? He probably thought she’d sent the letter to Dean to deflect suspicion from the fact that she’d sent the first one, to Michael.
Why was she bothering trying to fathom out what he thought? she wondered, dangerously close to tears all over again as she pulled onto the drive outside their beautiful house. The painful reality was, he did think it was her. His anger had been palpable, the accusation and disappointment in his eyes unbearable. It seemed to Emily that there was no coming back from this. He clearly considered her capable of such a horrendous thing, as other people had in the dark days after Kara’s death. She’d wondered for a very long time herself whether she was. Whether that was why she’d blanked out the details of what had happened on the canal bank on that fateful day – because she didn’t want to imagine herself capable of such horrific actions.
Her heart heavy, she let herself in through the front door. ‘Just me,’ she called. Getting no reply, she glanced into the kitchen and the lounge, and then, realising that Millie and Ben were upstairs, went up herself to freshen up.
Hearing Millie’s voice coming from Ben’s room, she paused on the landing, surprised. Then, wrestling with her conscience, she took a step closer. She couldn’t quite believe she was now eavesdropping on her children as well as her husband, but if it meant she might find out more about how they were feeling, then she felt she had no choice.
They appeared to be having a conversation, rather than bickering, which was miraculous. ‘Do you think Dad has had an affair?’ she heard Millie say, causing her heart to expand excruciatingly in her chest.
‘Strikes me it’s one of the perks of the job,’ Ben answered moodily. Emily supposed he was referring to Tom, whose reputation both the children were aware of. ‘Makes you wonder why you’d bother having a meaningful relationship, doesn’t it?’
‘Like you wouldn’t want a meaningful relationship with Nicky,’ Millie teased.
Now Emily was definitely surprised. Ben had feelings for Nicky? Nicky at the surgery? She’d had no idea. He had been in a few times, but he’d barely uttered a word to her. He had looked at her, but now that Emily came to think of it, she did remember being slightly wary of thewayhe had looked at her. She supposed it was natural for a teenage boy to give a young woman an appraising look, but it had caused her a moment’s consternation. She didn’t know what was going on in her children’s lives, she realised, the knot of guilt in her stomach twisting itself tighter. Ben wasn’t one to share unless she prised it out of him, and Millie closed up like a book every time she tried to talk to her, especially about the subject of sexual relationships.
‘You do know that Nicky’s into older men?’ Millie went on.
Emily held her breath, her mind immediately swinging to Jake.
‘Sorry to shatter your illusions,’ Millie sighed expansively, ‘but she’s lusting after the silver fox, according to Anna. I mean, I get the older man thing – they’re so much more mature than younger men.’
‘Shrewd conclusion, Einstein,’ Ben mumbled facetiously.
‘God knows what she sees in him, though. He’s so ancient, he’s practically decrepit. I’m surprised he can get it up. Viagra, I suppose.’
‘Pack it in, Mils. That’s gross,’ he muttered.
‘Poor Ben.’ Taking no notice, Millie emitted another theatrical sigh. ‘Spurned in love at the tender age of eighteen.’
‘Fuck off,’ Ben growled. ‘I’m not in love with anyone. It sucks.’
‘Right,’ Millie replied amusedly. ‘“’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”’ She quoted Tennyson tauntingly at him as she headed for the door.
Stepping away, Emily ducked quickly into her own room. Closing the door, she leaned against it, a whirlpool of emotion churning inside her. Was it her imagination, or had Ben’s tone been bordering on aggressive? As for Millie’s Viagra comment, Emily didn’t know whether to be relieved or appalled. It couldn’t be true, of course. However much of a womaniser he was, surely Tom would never allow himself to become involved with someone as young as Nicky. But hadn’t Jake seen them together? More worryingly, on the subject of age and relationships, what was this ‘I get the older man thing’ Millie had come out with? Emily had guessed she was seeing someone. She was assuming now it was someone older. But how much older? She had to talk to her, and carefully. She needed to get her daughter on side, not alienate her. She needed to confide in her in the hope that Millie might feel safe to do the same. She had her whole future ahead of her. Emily didn’t want her involved in a damaging relationship, which she knew all too well she easily could be.
‘Mum?’ Millie rapped on the door, causing her to start. ‘Are we going soon? I’m starving.’
