He sighed and knocked back his pint. As for the situation with Kim, despite the messages he’d sent he’d had no contact from her whatsoever. He’d been taken aback when she’d called him out of the blue. She hadn’t turned up for the morning train in a long time, although he was sure he’d glimpsed her a couple of times at Birmingham New Street. He’d felt as if she was bloody well haunting him at one point, when, waking hot and sweaty, he’d gone to open the window and noticed a slim figure standing on the opposite side of the road. He couldn’t be sure it was her in the pitch black, but he’d had a weird feeling it might be. When he’d pulled the front door open two minutes later, shaking his head free of sleep, the figure had gone. His housemate reckoned it was a thief sussing the area. Josh supposed he was right; there’d been a break-in nearby the week before.
Feeling more guilty after that, he’d tried harder to find her, but she seemed to have disappeared. Part of him selfishly hoped she’d been mistaken, that she hadn’t been pregnant and had simply moved on. She wasn’t mistaken, as he gathered when she told him she couldn’t talk on the phone because she was due at her antenatal class. She would be well into the pregnancy now, and Josh had no idea what to do, other than what he was obliged to. He didn’t like himself much for it, but he really wasn’t sure whether he believed the child was his. He must be the unluckiest man on earth if it was.
About to go and get another drink, he glanced towards the door to see that Kim had arrived, finally. She was definitely pregnant. He noted the bump under her long jumper and felt a turmoil of conflicting emotion: regret, uncertainty, shame.
Checking his watch, feeling unnerved by the half-hour she’d kept him waiting, he picked up his glass and got to his feet as she approached.
‘Sorry I’m late. I do hope it didn’t inconvenience you too much. I felt a bit faint before I came out. The baby turning, I think. Not that I imagine you would be interested,’ she said, sweeping a derisory gaze over him.
He guessed she’d caught him looking at his watch. ‘Of course I’m interested, Kim. I checked the time instinctively. It’s force of habit; I do it a hundred times a day in school. I didn’t mean anything by it.’
Kim didn’t look impressed.
‘So, how are you?’ he asked uncomfortably.
She gave him a short smile. ‘Pregnant,’ she answered curtly.
Josh pulled in a breath. He guessed he’d asked for that. What else was she going to say, after all? ‘Drink?’ he asked her as she sat down at the table.
She shook her head.
Deciding to pass himself, given that this was hardly a social occasion, he placed his glass back on the table and sat down opposite her.
Kim dragged her ever-escaping tendrils of hair from her face and glanced around. She looked pale, Josh noticed. Settling a hand on her tummy, she turned her gaze to him. ‘So, did you have something you wanted to say to me?’ she asked him.
He knitted his brow in confusion. ‘You calledme,’ he reminded her.
‘Because I hoped that now you’ve had time to think about things, you might have something to say that’s worth listening to,’ she said, her expression somewhere between reproachful and hopeful.
Josh’s heart sank. He might have asked what it was she wanted him to do, but he already knew. She’d said it succinctly enough when he’d offered his support the last time they’d met. ‘All or nothing,’ she’d said, leaving him in no doubt that she wanted the whole wedding thing. But how could he do that? He didn’t love her. He didn’t even know her that well, nor she him. Wouldn’t marrying her out of some misguided attempt to do the right thing be a recipe for failure? Instead he would offer to be there for her whenever she needed him, be a friend to her. Right, and how lame did that sound? It would be her bringing the child up – on her own.Christ, when he messed up, he really did do it spectacularly.
‘I will support you, Kim,’ he repeated. ‘I’m not trying to shirk my responsibilities, I promise. I’m happy to co-parent.’ He paused, wondering at the irony of his desperately wanting to do that with Jemma. Because he’d been in love with her, which obviously influenced his thinking about the baby. How fair was that on an innocent child? Perhaps he needed to stop thinking about his own emotions and concentrate on what was really important here, he thought soberly.
Kim scanned his face. Her eyes were glassy with tears, Josh noted, his gut twisting. ‘That’s very noble of you,’ she said eventually. Then, two bright spots blooming on her cheeks, she looked away.
Now what did he do? His guilt intensified. She didn’t even have a place of her own. She’d said she was staying with a friend, he recalled, as it dawned on him that perhaps he actuallywasbeing a bastard. He had no reason to think she was lying about the baby being his. Why would she? She must know paternity could easily be proved. Him suggesting they get a test would make him even more of a shit in her eyes. In his own eyes too – he wasn’t his own biggest fan right now. Whatever happened in the future, the fact was, she was having a baby, and she was also homeless, or as good as. He was house-sharing. The guy he was living with would be moving out soon, but even as things stood, there was room for another person. If she couldn’t meet the rent on her student income, he’d cover it. He would have to. He needed to help her keep her life on track, be there for the baby, end of.
‘Look, Kim, I’m not sure whether—’ he started. And then stopped as she got abruptly to her feet.
‘Right, well, that was short and sweet, wasn’t it?’ she said, picking up her bag. ‘Thanks for nothing, Josh. Like I said, you can keep your financial support. I can manage without it. There are millions of single mothers out there who do, thanks to the men in their lives not stepping up. I suppose I’m just going to be another statistic. But that’s not your problem, is it? Becauseyoucan just walk away.’ Wiping angrily at her eyes, she turned for the exit.
‘Kim, wait.’ He stood to follow her. ‘I was going to—’
Kim whirled around. ‘No, Josh. I won’t wait to hear you spouting more rubbish. You manipulate me into having sex with you and then think you can treat me like aninconvenience?’
Josh’s heart plummeted to the pit of his stomach. ‘That’s absolute bullshit, Kim,’ he seethed. ‘Youknowit is.’
‘There was no love there, was there?’ she challenged him. ‘Even though you told me you loved me.’
What? Josh stared at her, flabbergasted. ‘I never said I loved you,’ he protested, realising how that sounded, but not caring. ‘I liked you, felt sorry for you. I was scared for you after all you’d been through, but I was never anything but honest.’ And now, seeing the look in her eyes, hearing the rubbish shewas spouting, he was bloody well scaredofher.
‘You forced me!’ She eyeballed him furiously. ‘As good as. Coercion is a crime, Josh, or haven’t you heard? You knew how vulnerable I was after my previous relationship. That I would be too frightened to say no.’
Josh felt the blood drain from his body. Saw heads turning, every gaze in the room burning into him. ‘What in God’s name are youtalkingabout?’ He stared at her, disbelieving.
‘Youusedme,’ she cried. ‘All you wanted from me was sex. What do you think your parents would think about that, hey? Your mother, who you keep bleating on about being ill, as if that’s an excuse for her instilling nil respect for women in you.’
‘What?’ Josh squinted at her. ‘That’s enough, Kim. You are way out of—’
