‘I will. There’s no need to worry, Kim. I have done this before, haven’t I, darling, hmm?’ Cassie gazed adoringly down at Samuel as she walked across to the sofa.
Catching Adam’s eye again, Kim gave him a smile, indicating that she was okay with it.
‘He’ll probably need a nap once he’s had his feed,’ Cassie said, once she’d encouraged Samuel to take the bottle. ‘You too, Kim. You must be tired after your journey. Why don’t you have a lie-down in the spare room and I’ll sit in the nursery with Samuel for a while.’
‘Um…’ Kim glanced at her watch, a knot of panic taking root. She was happy to allow Cassie some time with Samuel, but she couldn’t stay for the rest of the day. She had to get him home.
Clearly understanding her dilemma, Adam came to the rescue. ‘I think Kim wants to get back home.’ Crossing to the sofa, he glanced smilingly down at the baby and then leant to kiss the top of Cassie’s head. ‘She probably needs to sort herself out and settle Samuel back into his routine, don’t you, Kim?’
‘I do.’ Kim nodded, relieved. ‘I have Jack staying over too. My mum’s taken him for a dental appointment but we’re meeting up later, so I really should get off fairly soon.’
Cassie nodded, but she was clearly disappointed. ‘I could come with you, put your washing on and keep an eye on Samuel while you and Jack—’
‘No, Cassie,’ Adam intervened, before Kim had a chance to answer. ‘Kim needs her space, remember? Some time to herself.’
‘To be honest, I do, Cassie,’ Kim agreed, as Cassie gazed between them, her look a mixture of bewildered and crestfallen. ‘You could come over in a few days, though. Maybe pop around for an hour or so. You could take him out for a walk if you wanted to, which would give me a break. What do you think?’
Cassie glanced at her thoughtfully. Then, offering a small, forced smile, she concentrated her attention back on Samuel.
Half an hour later, Adam walked Kim to the front door while Cassie went to wash her hands after changing Samuel’s nappy. ‘Thanks,’ he said emotionally, giving her shoulders a squeeze.
‘Thankyou,’ Kim said in turn, settling Samuel in the pushchair. ‘I know you’ve been through a lot, and that you’re still going through it. I just wanted you to know I really appreciate all you’ve done for me. You’re a very special, caring man. Cassie’s lucky to have you. Don’t run yourself ragged, though,’ she warned him, frowning. ‘You’ll be no use to yourself or anyone else if you do that. You have to look after yourself too.’
Adam smiled. It suited him much better than the confused look he seemed to wear around Cassie. ‘I’ll do my best,’ he assured her.
His smile was one of surprise when Kim stretched to kiss his cheek and then give him a firm hug. He soon lost it, though, she noted, when he realised that Cassie was hovering at the top of the stairs, looking down at him stonily.
Thirty-Four
Jemma
Jemma woke with a jerk, sweat saturating the sheets beneath her. The nightmares had plagued her since the day Josh had died. They’d grown worse since she’d realised Liam was the image of him. His eyes were Josh’s eyes. The first time she’d looked into them, her heart had almost stopped beating. She’d been sure she could see the accusation there. Every night she heard his voice in her dreams: ‘Don’t do this to me, Jemma.’ Over and over. She’d turned her back, ignored his plea. The squeal of the brakes, she heard that too, metal grinding raucously against metal, the high-pitched scream of primal terror rising above it. Then came the cloying darkness, deep, dark crimson turning to complete impenetrable black. She could feel it suffocating her, sucking her in and burying her along with him.
She would never forgive herself for the pain she’d caused him. She hadn’t meant to treat him so cruelly. To hurt him so badly.
Gulping back a ragged breath, she pulled herself up, waiting for the frantic beating of her heart to abate, and glanced in the semi-darkness to Ryan’s side of the bed. Her husband, solid and dependable. Holding her and comforting her when she couldn’t go back to sleep.
He was scared too. Jemma had seen the puzzlement in his eyes when he looked at her, wondering why she couldn’t bond with her baby. The midwife had told her to give herself more time. Howmuchtime? This wasn’t normal. The palpitations and panic attacks… She’d had one in the supermarket once. She’d had to get out, leave her shopping. Her moods, which would alternate between lack of interest in Liam to extreme anxiety for him. If the nightmares didn’t wake her, a deep-rooted fear that something had happened to him would, and she would climb out of bed and tiptoe into the nursery to make sure he was breathing.
This hollow hopelessness inside her was something she’d experienced before. Goose bumps prickling her skin, she rubbed her arms. The midwife had suggested she see her GP. She’d said he could refer her to someone to talk to if she was really worried. Ryan had thought that was a good idea, and Jemma had pretended to go along with it. She didn’t dare tell him she hadn’t gone to the appointment. How could she, when she was too petrified to tell anyone what she’d done?
Unable to make Ryan out under the tangle of duvet, she reached tentatively across to his side of the bed. Finding nothing but empty space, her heart lurched. He must have slipped out to see to Liam. She hadn’t heard him. She hadn’t heard her baby crying.Again. Therewassomething wrong with her. She was some kind of monster. If Ryan knew how much of a monster, how badly she’d deceived him, he would leave her in an instant. She couldn’t bear that. Couldn’t be without him. Not now.
Scrambling out of bed, she crept to the landing. When she saw the soft glow of light spilling from under the nursery door, she felt a huge surge of relief. Also jealousy, she acknowledged, her guilt ratcheting up. Ryan had bonded with Liam. Liam had bonded with Ryan. His little mouth always curved into an excited smile when his huge blue eyes alighted on him. Why couldn’t she feel the same connection? This was all she’d ever wanted, her own little family. To be a mummy. Yet she’d risked everything in a vain attempt to escape the pain of losing her first baby. She should have been honest. She should have told Ryan. Begged his forgiveness. She couldn’t tell him now. It would destroy him. She’d sealed her fate. Somehow she would have to live with her conscience.
Padding along the landing, she pushed the nursery door open to find Ryan nestling the child he thought was his son against his shoulder. Her heart broke for him as she watched him press a soft kiss to Liam’s head before lowering him gently back into his cot.
Straightening up, he glanced back at her, pressing a finger to his lips as she crept closer. Comforted by the man who would always be his father in Jemma’s mind, Liam was lying on his back sleeping contentedly, his eyelids fluttering as his mind chased his dreams, his little sausage arms splayed out to his sides. He really was beautiful. From his tiny toes to his button nose, he was a perfect baby. Jemma wanted to love him, but she knew she didn’t deserve to, that she didn’t deserve her baby’s love. Ryan’s love.
‘He’s out for the count,’ Ryan said quietly.
‘Sorry I didn’t hear him,’ Jemma whispered.
Ryan pushed his hands into the pockets of his tracksuit bottoms. ‘You were out for the count too. Don’t worry about it. You need your sleep. You’re exhausted.’
She was, perpetually. She woke several times in the night when Liam was soundly sleeping, then slept too heavily to hear him when he woke. Never rested during the day.
‘You had another nightmare,’ Ryan said.
