Dipping her cloth into the bowl of water perched on the stairs, Cassie squeezed it out. ‘Just cleaning,’ she said lightly. Did he realise how exasperated she was with herself? How frightened? How much she was hurting as they grew further apart when she so needed him, when he so obviously needed the comfort of a loving embrace.Though not hers.She swallowed back a sharp pain as the thought popped into her head.
‘Cassie…’ Adam walked towards the stairs. ‘The walls don’t need cleaning.’
‘They do. There are dirty marks above the handrail.’ Cassie concentrated hard on those rather than look at him, see the familiar disillusioned expression.
She’d chosen the colour, ivory with a hint of pink. It was too light. Adam had said it was. It would show all the marks from sleeves rubbed against it, he’d warned, especially with Josh’s mates charging up and down.
Her breath catching, Cassie paused. There would be no more dirty sleeves rubbing these walls. There was no one here any more. Just her and Adam, rattling around in a house that was too big for two. She swallowed hard and redoubled her efforts to remove a stubborn mark. It was one Josh had made when he’d been fetching his stuff before leaving. His arms had been full of clothes, his rugby bag slung over his shoulder.
Oh God, how she wished she could turn back time. Have her son back. She should have gone after him, made more effort. How she ached to go after him now, be wherever he was.
‘Cassie, just stop, will you?’ Adam asked, now sounding cautious.
She brushed a tear from her cheek with the back of her hand, and scrubbed harder.
‘You don’t need to do this,’ Adam said more forcefully.
She glanced at him. He was clearly also working to control his emotions. She wasn’t being fair on him. It wasn’t his fault that Kim hadn’t been in contact.None of what was happening was his fault. He’d been trying to reach out to her, but he couldn’t. She didn’t want to be here. Not without Samuel. Not without her son. Without Adam.
‘Jesus, Cassie.’ Adam mounted the stairs. ‘This is nuts. You’re taking the bloodypaintoff the walls.’
Cassie flinched as he caught hold of her wrist, her eyes skittering towards him. His were dark, full of confused shadows. ‘Come down,’ he said, his voice strained. ‘I’ll make us a drink and we’ll—’
‘I’m fine.’ She attempted to pull away from him.
But Adam only tightened his grip. ‘You’re not fine,’ he insisted. ‘You’re far from fine. You need to talk to someone. Get help. You’re—’
‘I don’t want to talk to anyone.’ Her heart hammering, Cassie struggled, stumbling up the stairs. It was him she wanted to talk to. Couldn’t he see that? Couldn’t he see that his seeming to be able to talk to Kim and not her was killing her?
‘For God’s sake! You’re going to bloody well fall!’ Adam caught her as her foot slipped. She saw the bowl she’d balanced so carefully on the stairs tip. Watched as it tumbled and rolled. Her throat closed as it landed on the hall floor, water splattering the walls and saturating the carpet.
Adam glanced down at it, and then back to her. ‘You need to stop this, Cassie,’ he repeated shakily. ‘Please, come down with me.’
She didn’t fight him as he moved to her side, his hold around her gentle, as if she were some delicate thing that might break, as if he cared for her. Did he? Could he still, if she told him all she needed to? Tears sliding down her cheeks, she allowed him to guide her down.
Feeling disorientated, she glanced at the stain bleeding into the carpet as they stood in the hall. And then at her husband. His eyes were troubled. Not sparkling. Not happy. Was his hair slightly greyer at the temples? She reached out, touching it delicately with her fingertips. He’d had enough. Her heart faltered. She wouldn’t blame him if he did leave her.
‘You need to slow down, Cas,’ Adam said quietly. ‘You’re beginning to scare me.’
The truth was, she was scaring herself. ‘I’m sorry,’ she murmured. She didn’t care about the mess. Only him. The one constant in her life. The man who’d stayed, who’d loved her, even at her lowest ebb when her body seemed to be failing her. She’d looked dreadful then. Still he’d loved her. She was sure of that much. Could he forgive her? She felt his arms around her, leant into him, rested her head on his shoulder. She wanted to stay like this forever, safe in his strong embrace.
‘I’m sorry,’ she repeated tearfully. ‘So sorry.’
He squeezed her impossibly close. ‘It’s okay,’ he said softly. ‘We’ll get through this.’
How?She looked up at him, her heart fracturing another inch as she saw the pain in his eyes. She had to talk to him. She had no one but him. She never had, her mother turning to God after her father’s infidelity, turning away from Cassie and her brother, relentlessly cleaning, attempting to wash away the sins of her father, the shame… Just as Cassie was now. Adam might understand, if only she could find a way to explain. He’d cared so much for Josh, worried for him, about him. He worried still, convinced that Josh’s death wasn’t suicide, that he couldn’t have fallen, that someone had hurt him. That by some miracle he could have saved him, kept him safe.
He would realise that that had only ever been her aim too, to keep him safe. She’d tried so hard. Breathing deeply, she braced herself. ‘We have to talk,’ she whispered. ‘About Josh. There’s something I have to—’ She stopped as the doorbell rang behind her.
Adam held her gaze for a second longer, and then, a flicker of hope in his eyes, he looked beyond her to the front door.
Seeing his expression change to one of tangible relief, Cassie whirled around.Her stomach lurched as she took in the shock of fiery red hair.
Thank God. Relief coursing through her, she closed her eyes. She’d thought… imagined that Adam and Kim might be… She was losing her mind. Adam was right: she needed to stop her obsessive behaviour, rid her mind of her stupid suspicions. She would make everything right, whatever she had to do. She wouldn’t let him down. Samuel either. She’d failed her son, but she would keep his precious child safe.
Thirty-Three
Kimberley
