Prologue
Alone on the station platform, Josh huddled further into his coat and tugged his collar up against the freezing rain. His train was overdue, running late, he supposed. Such was his luck lately. If it could go wrong it did, spectacularly. Everything he touched seemed to fall apart. What he’d done to make the women in his life hate him he still didn’t know. He breathed in hard, his throat feeling raw from the spirits he’d tipped down it after his teaching colleagues had left the retirement do he’d felt obliged to go to this evening. Bad idea. It had only brought his problems into sharp focus.
Reeling, he heaved out a sigh and checked his watch. It would help if he could see the bloody thing. He closed one eye and squinted at it. Christ, he felt bad. He’d felt rough when he’d woken up that morning, having drunk more than he should after the gut-wrenching conversation with the woman who’d thwarted his every attempt to support her. Trying not to think about it, at least until he’d spoken to his stepfather, he moved further towards the one light on the platform that hadn’t been smashed, checked the time on his phone and then attempted to read the text his stepfather had sent him. Adam had agreed to meet him at Worcester station. He was a decent bloke, whose opinion Josh valued. He knew he could trust him not to relay anything back to his mother.
He could barely read the text, feeling disorientated as the words swam out of focus. He hoped he wasn’t going to pass out. Lying on a railway station platform in sub-zero temperatures, he’d probably freeze to death before the train arrived.
Had the train he was waiting for been cancelled? He checked the app, succeeding after two fumbling attempts, only to find that it had.Great. There was no way now he would make his connection at Birmingham. So what did he do? He could hardly walk to the centre of Birmingham in this state. He debated whether to call Adam and ask him to come and fetch him. Adam would be okay about it, and it would mean they could talk on the way, but Josh was loath to ask him to drive out here after being at work all day. Deciding it was probably his only option, he was about to call when he saw another text from him.
Do you want to message me when you’re at Evesham?I’ll set off as soon as I get it.
There’s a problem with train times, Josh texted back.Will call you.
He’d just selected Adam’s number when his phone rang.
Dammit.His heart rate ratcheting up as he realised who it was, he was about to answer when something dark and sleek darted past his feet, almost causing him to jump out of his skin. Christ, what the hell was that? If it was a rat, it was a big bugger. His heart palpitating, he inched cautiously towards the worn yellow band at the edge of the platform and peered over. He sighed with relief when he saw two alarmed green orbs blinking up at him. It was a cat. A black cat, lucky if it crossed his path. Definitely not a rat. He laughed shakily as the cat, clearly as spooked as he was, imparted its feelings with a feral hiss, then leapt back up onto the platform in one swift move and slinked warily past him.
Jesus. He’d be imagining werewolves next. Taking a breath, he hit return call, praying silently as he did. He was half expecting it to go to voicemail, but she picked up. ‘You called me,’ he said, his stomach knotting.
‘To tell you I’m deleting your number,’ she replied curtly. ‘There’s no point you ringing and texting me, Josh. We’ve said all we have to.’
‘Youhave,’ he retorted, disbelieving. He had a lot more to say, if only she would give him a chance. ‘Why are you doing this?’ he asked, anger churning inside him when she didn’t reply. ‘Look, I’m trying here. Can we not both just act like adults, given the situation?’
‘Perhaps you should try looking at the situation from my point of view,’ she suggested. ‘I’m going.’
‘Don’t,’ Josh said, swallowing back a knot in his throat. What in God’s name was he supposed to do if she wouldn’t listen to anything he had to say? ‘Look, can’t we at least meet up again? There has to be some way we can—’
He heard the wild mewl of the cat a split second before he lurched forward. A sharp jolt ripped through him, jarring his bones agonisingly as he landed on the unforgiving tracks. White-hot pain searing down his spine, he tried to raise his head. Couldn’t.Shit!Icy fear gripped his stomach as he heard a train approaching. He had to move. Now! Careless of the grit and gravel biting into his cheek, he brought his hands up, attempting to get some leverage. His gut twisted as he noticed the crimson stain flowering beneath him, felt the warm stickiness of his own blood. Christ, he had to get off the fucking tracks. Desperation clutching his chest, he tried to call out, but nothing escaped his throat other than a muted rasp.
Help me. He blinked at the phone, which lay tauntingly just out of his reach, and dragged in a harsh breath. The tracks hissed. Not a lucky black cat. Not for him. Deadly steel snakes vibrating beneath him, reverberating inside him. He heard the gurgle as he gulped back the coppery taste in his mouth. Felt the terrifying rumble of thunder beneath him. Heard a scream. Someone, somewhere, calling out.
One
Cassandra
July 2019
Cassie had wanted something upbeat in place of the traditional hymns, to reflect who Joshua was. She’d decided on something by a French band he’d been into since he’d heard their demo tapes on the internet. Tears stung her eyes as she recalled how he’d shown her a YouTube clip, explaining to her that it was electro-swing, and then promptly waltzed her around the kitchen. Sitting in the church, where she was somehow supposed to say goodbye to her son, she glanced sideways at Adam, grateful for the solidity of him, of their marriage. She wouldn’t be able to get through the service if it wasn’t for him, this dependable man who loved her unquestioningly – though she wondered whether he would still love her if he knew all there was to know about her.
Her heart aching unbearably, she clung to his hand as one of Josh’s friends from work recited the short poem she’d asked permission to read as a tribute. Adam squeezed her fingers as she listened to the girl’s tremulous voice: ‘“Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there, I did not die.”’
It wasn’t true.She squeezed Adam’s hand back, acrid grief crashing through her. Josh wasn’t here. And she needed him to be. She needed to see him, to reach out and touch him; her child, who’d come so unexpectedly into her life, filling the void inside her. He’d saved her, his tiny body comforting her when she’d been so bereft. Where was he now?
Adam wrapped an arm around her as fresh sobs racked her body. She bowed her head. She couldn’t look at the coffin. Her chest heaving, the tears spilled unchecked from her eyes onto the order of service on her knees.
She felt his arm slip from around her after a second, and wondered how he would contain his emotion as he delivered the eulogy. He’d loved Josh as if he were his own. He’d always been there for him. Cassie knew he was berating himself now for not being there when Josh had needed him most. As if he could have been. He couldn’t make himself believe that Josh had fallen onto the tracks and died such a horrific death because he’d drunk too much. The colour had drained from his face when the police had speculated about suicide. It was inconceivable, he’d told them categorically. Josh wasn’t conflicted or depressed. He’d texted him from the station, he’d pointed out. Showing them the text had swayed them back to their former assumption that he’d fallen accidentally, possibly landing awkwardly and sustaining an injury. His blood-alcohol concentration had been high, they’d eventually confirmed. There wasn’t much else left of him to establish cause of death, other than the obvious trauma caused by the train.
Still Adam was determined that he couldn’t have fallen. Josh had texted him, he’d repeated quietly as they’d left the inquest.
Feeling his pain, Cassie closed her eyes as he began: ‘Standing here today to say goodbye to our son, Joshua, is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.’ She heard his voice crack as he spoke, and her heart bled for him. His face was pale, she noticed, incongruous with years of outdoor work; his expression taut. He was struggling, fighting to maintain his composure.
‘As Josh grew from a boy into a teenager, I could see the man he would become,’ he went on falteringly. ‘Strong, dependable, macho when he needed to be on the rugby field but never afraid to show his caring side.’ Pausing to swallow, he stopped and glanced at the ceiling.
‘He loved his music and his sport,’ he continued shakily. ‘Lived for his canoeing. Casting off the shackles of everyday life, as he referred to it. Getting back in touch with himself through nature. I’ll never forget the time he pointed out that I was perhaps a little too close to nature to be enjoying the experience. He was right. A novice and upside-down in a canoe is not a great place to be. Josh never took credit for it, but I think he saved my life that day.’
He paused again, pinching the bridge of his nose hard. ‘He urged me to get back on the horse.’ A sad smile curved his mouth. ‘We often went canoeing together after that. We would spend hours talking about life, his plans for the future. I’m a builder by trade, it’s all I’ve ever known. It’s not up there as far as high-powered careers go, but on one of those trips Josh told me he was proud of me, proud of the fact that I run my own company, provide people with jobs and teach them a trade. I couldn’t have been prouder ofhimat that moment. Our teenage son was growing into a man right before my eyes.’
As Adam hesitated again, Cassie felt her brother shift in his seat next to her, ready to take over should he be too overcome. Knowing that Adam wouldn’t want that, she pressed her hand to Tom’s arm, urging him to stay.
