Trying to still the fear gnawing at the pit of his stomach, he went across to Holly to ease her earphones from her ears, careful not to get them tangled in her hair, which she’d spent an hour trying, and failing, to coax into a bun earlier. Placing them alongside her phone on her bedside table, he noted the bottle of nail polish. A pot of body glitter stuff she’d been given for her birthday was there too. Right next to that was a unicorn pendant, the sort eleven-year-old girls wear. Her bedroom was a stark reminder that she was approaching a fundamental milestone in her life. She was growing fast from a child into a young woman. The leopard print leggings and bare-shoulder crop top thrown on her wicker chair was evidence of that. It seemed like only yesterday he was holding her hand while she tested out her first pair of roller skates. She’d worn her long, blonde hair in a simple ponytail then, her cheeks always flushed with the excitement of childhood. Now she was getting into cool hairstyles and make-up – ‘sculpting her cheeks’, she’d told him when he’d caught her in front of the mirror.
He’d noticed that Karla had taken her make-up bag with her when she’d gone out, so clearly it was a night on the town she had lined up. He just wished she had mentioned if she was intending to stay out the whole night. Jason closed his eyes and prayed again that she was safe.
He switched off Holly’s light and pulled her door quietly to, and then, checking his watch, wondered what to do. He badly wanted to touch base with Jessie, but she would be at work, halfway through her night shift.
Jason debated for a second and then, hoping he wouldn’t catch her at a bad time, he texted her. He’d barely pressed send when his phone rang.Jessie.He swore she had a sixth sense. She seemed to know him better than he did himself, sometimes. But then, she could probably guess things weren’t great here if he was texting her in the middle of the night.
‘Hey,’ he said. ‘Are you busy?’
‘Unfortunately, yes.’ Jessie sighed apologetically. ‘I’ve barely had time to draw breath. I think every club-goer in the vicinity of Carlow has descended on accident and emergency tonight. I’m up to my armpits in it, I swear, but I’ll spare you the details.’
Listening to the light, melodic lilt of her voice, Jason couldn’t help smiling. He loved her Irish accent. It always seemed to lift him.
‘Are you not sleeping?’ she asked him.
‘Not yet, no. Karla’s out, and I, er…’ He stopped. Did Jessie really want to hear all this?
‘You’re worried about her,’ she finished intuitively. ‘It’s okay, Jason. You can talk about her, you know? She’s the mother of your children. I’d hardly expect you not to be worrying about where she is.’
‘I wish she’d bloody well remember she had children.’ Jason sighed despondently.
‘You’re angry with her?’
‘A bit,’ he admitted. ‘More with myself, to be honest. The marriage is over, but… I could have handled things better.’
‘I don’t think there’s any good way to handle the breakdown of a marriage,’ Jessie offered sympathetically.
Jason pulled in a breath. ‘No,’ he acknowledged, with another heavy sigh.
‘She’ll be back,’ Jessie assured him. ‘She’s proving she has a life without you, that’s all.’
Jason supposed she was right. It was what kind of life that was worrying him. Karla’s life had been her kids. This. Him. And he’d screwed it up. ‘You’d better go,’ he said, remembering Jessie was busy. ‘Attend to the needs of your club-goers.’
‘Oh joy,’ Jessie said, sounding not very joyous. ‘I’d better get back, I suppose, before I’m for the high jump. Meanwhile, you go to bed. Lie down, at least, or you’ll be fit for nothing in the morning. Just imagine I’m giving you a nice slow massage, and if your imagination runs away with you, I’ll talk dirty to you tomorrow.’
Jason laughed. ‘You’re incorrigible, do you know that?’
‘And you can’t get enough of me, I know. Uh-oh, clinical lead on the warpath – gotta go. Sleep! That’s an order. We’ll talk tomorrow.’
‘Night, Jessie,’ Jason said softly, his emotions ricocheting between relief and guilt. Talking to her kept him sane, but also reminded him that Karla had no one to confide in – unless things had developed with the guy he’d seen her with. Had they? Try as he might not to let it, Jason’s gut twisted at that thought. Where thehellwas she?
Running a hand tiredly over his face, he made his way to the spare room, supposing he should take Jessie’s advice and lie down. He wouldn’t sleep. He rarely did when Karla was out. He intended to go in to the office tomorrow, to tie up some loose ends, but he’d already told Mark it might be late morning, so that wasn’t a problem. Mark was pretty much running the place now anyway. He would probably run it a damn sight better than he had. He’d given Jason the option to buy back into the business at some future point, if things didn’t work out at the extreme sports company he’d approached in Ireland. Jason didn’t envisage going back. He’d had it with ecommerce. He needed a clean break, a new future, to be able to live a life that hadn’t been built on a lie. That future may or may not be with Jessie, but her cottage in County Carlow made Ireland seem like a haven – for a few days, at least, while he tried to sort things out.
Jessie had been thrilled for him about the job. Jason guessed he was pleased too. Assuming they offered him a position, it would give him the chance to indulge his passion. Sadly, extreme sports weren’t something he’d done much of since he’d been married. He hadn’t really minded, figuring that, as a father, one of his responsibilities was not to risk life and limb thrill-seeking.
But wasn’t he doing just that? His marriage was over – it couldn’t survive now – but didn’t making plans to build a new life so far away mean he was taking risks with his children’s future? He was their father. He was responsible for them, their health and happiness. He had yet to tell Karla he was going. Having made arrangements to meet Jessie’s incoming flight and then fly back to Ireland with her, once she’d visited her family here, he had no choice now but to tell Karla.
Whether he would get on the flight, though, he wasn’t yet sure. The way Karla was behaving now, he wasn’t confident he could leave Holly and Josh safely in her care, particularly with her mother having left her shit of a father for a safe haven of her own away from the media.
Dammit.He needed to talk to Karla, but how, when they were barely speaking? When they did, it was only to argue. He would have to find a way, assuming she came home before he left for the airport tomorrow, that was. He wouldn’t come back to the house while Jessie was here. That wouldn’t be fair on Karla or Jessie.
Forty-Six
KARLA
I wake with the stale taste of alcohol and cigarette smoke in my mouth. My stomach churns, but I’m too queasy to trust myself to make it to the bathroom. Prising my grainy eyelids open, I squint towards the window. I’m in the Travelodge, I realise. I grope for some recollection of how I got here and then squeeze my eyes closed, mortification crashing through me as I recall stumbling drunkenly into a taxi, spilling from it here with a beer bottle in my hand.
I fell. I swallow back my shame as an image of an out-of-control, brazenly dressed woman weaving across the car park assaults me. I lift my hand. The sharp shards of grit embedded in my palm confirm it.
