Swallowing my deep sense of shame, I close my eyes. I have to do it. I have to know. I can’t carry this around, and I can’t confront Jason with accusations fuelled by my father. I just can’t.
Attempting to still the nausea churning inside me, I key in the security code, take the stairs and swing into the tiny foyer of Upwards Online. I need to act naturally, be the bubbly me, not this uncertain, wretched creature I suddenly feel I’m becoming.
‘Hi, Rachel,’ I smile cheerily at Jason’s marketing manager, who works many more hours than she should, as she comes out of the main office to head for the loo. She’s very young – early to mid-twenties, I guess – and extremely pretty, I notice afresh, and immediately wonder why she pours so many unpaid hours into a company she has no vested interest in.
Taking a deep breath, I try to shut it out, this suspicion that seems to be blooming into some hideous thing inside me, but I can’t. I am so wound up I can actually feel my heart thrashing against my chest.
‘Hi, Karla.’ Rachel smiles easily back. ‘Jase is out, I’m afraid.’
I notice the familiarity, too. I’m bound to, because of my bloody,bloodyfather, a man who’s never rated my husband, who’s looked for ways to pull us apart ever since the day he met Jason. Why in God’s name am I listening to him? Because I can’t live with this doubt. As I admit that to myself, I realise part of me believes that my father might be right.
‘I know.’ Answering Rachel, I push determinedly on. ‘I’m not after him. I’m after the use of his computer. Job application.’ I offer the most plausible explanation I’ve been able to think of for using Jason’s office. If she or Mark mentions my being here, I can bluff my way through it; tell Jason it’s a better paid job at a rival housing association or something, thus the need for secrecy. I’d rather that than try to bluff my way out of why I would be checking his laptop while he was sleeping.
‘Ah, got you.’ Rachel goes for it, assuming I wouldn’t want to apply for other jobs from my work computer, as I’d hoped she would. ‘Good luck,’ she says, behind her.
‘Thanks, Rachel.’ The first hurdle over, I push on into the main office, where Mark is seated in front of his computer.
‘Hi, Mark,’ I say, my cheery smile still in place. ‘How’s the internet dating going?’ I decide to broach the subject, thinking that, if he has anything to hide on Jason’s behalf, he might hesitate or look slightly sheepish.
Mark does neither. ‘Interesting,’ he answers straight off, ‘depending on how riveted you are by your date regaling you with tales of her ex-husband’s assignations with other women while weeping into her wine.’
‘Oh dear.’ I laugh as he glances despairingly at the ceiling.
‘The latest one seems promising though. We’ve got past first base at least.’
‘Brilliant.’ I widen my eyes and try to look pleased for him, though my stomach is now churning like a washing machine on full spin. ‘We’ll have to have a meal out together sometime.’
‘Yeah, nice idea. Jase isn’t here,’ Mark says, as I head towards the small office Jason uses to entertain clients who might need a little extra ‘chatting up’, as he calls it –and maybe more, whispers Sarah’s mistrustful voice in my head.
I ignore it. I wondered why he needed the extra office space when he first started up, but when I thought about it, it made sense. Some clients will need the reassurance of a certain level of successfulness, I reasoned. And Jason had thought he could afford it then.
‘I know.’ I repeat what I said to Rachel: ‘I’ve snuck out of work to send off a job application. Hope that’s okay with you?’
‘No problem.’ Mark stands, stretches and picks up his mug. ‘I’ll grab you a coffee.’
‘I’m okay, Mark, thanks. I’ve not long had one,’ I lie. My mouth is dry, my throat parched. I let myself through to the office, close the door, lean back against it and try to do the simplest thing in life and just breathe.
Jason’s laptop is there, wired up and open on his desk. I wasn’t sure whether he would take it with him, but as he’d said he wanted to consider whatever deal my father might offer him before going through any of the company software with him, I’d hoped he wouldn’t. I would have used the desktop computer, otherwise, or pretended to, whilst going through the paperwork in his drawers.
I can’t believe I’m doing this. Jason has given me no reason to.
But he has, whispers Sarah.
And I realise she’s right. Dad might not like him, but it wasn’t he who first planted these seeds in my head. It was Jason.
Stop.Steeling my resolve, I pull myself from the door and go straight across to fire up the laptop. I know his passwords. Jason’s never had any reason to hide them from me. If he has now, then won’t my suspicions be as good as confirmed?
Fifteen
JASON
His emotions colliding violently inside him, Jason made it out of Fenton’s Bespoke Plumbing and Bathroom Services before he leaned over to retch, bringing up the contents of his stomach. Robert Fenton had to be totally fucking insane. Was he really so consumed with hatred for him that he would resort tothis? It was bullshit. Ithadto be bullshit. Straightening up, he loosened his collar, wiped the back of his hand over his mouth, leaned against the outside wall of the building and slid to his haunches.
Jesus…Gulping back the bile rising like acid in his throat, he looked skywards and prayed.Please don’t let it be true.
‘Jason?’ someone called, as he tried to still his racing heart and get his chaotic thoughts in some sort of order.
Disorientated, feeling as if he might actually pass out, Jason glanced sideways to see Abbie hurrying towards him.
