“I know what you’re going to say, Evander.Your button is letting something happen to someone in your care.”
“Close, but not quite.”
Phoebe keeps her eyes on me as she bites off the medical tape, then looks down to smooth the edge to my sleeve.She removes the surgical gloves, tucks away the first aid supplies, and slips her hands back into her snow gloves.She drops her hands in her lap, looks at me again, and waits for me to finish.
“I’m in love with you, Phoebe Travis.”
Her eyes flash.
“I’ve worked really hard not to let that happen becausethat’smy button.I fear that I’ll do something—or fail to do something or that some sort of random shit will happen—that leads to the loss of the person I love.I know it’s because of my mom dying when I was a kid, and then seeing how traumatic it was for Finn when his first wife died in childbirth.”
Phoebe’s eyes widen.She nods.
“In both cases, there was such a heavy sense of helplessness.No one could do a damn thing to stop it, no matter how they tried.”
“It’s the most painful thing a human being can experience,” she says, her voice soft.“I know all about feeling helpless—with my patients, with my dad…”
“I know you do.Yet you stay cheerful and kind and loving to everyone you meet.Whereas I pull back and shut down.”
She frowns.
“My reasoning has always been that if I’m going to face helplessness when it counts the most, why set myself up for that shit?I told myself that if I never love anyone, I’ll never lose them.”
“But you’re lying to yourself,” she says, a divot forming between her brows.“You already love a lot of people, and they love you back.Your family.Aunt Phyllis.Summer.Just look at Jasmine—that little girl iscrazyabout her Uncle Evander.Your eyes light up when you see her!So even if you succeeded in never loving a woman, you’re not protected from loss.”
I go still.
“I know you took a big risk in choosing to love me, and I thank you for that,” she says.“I’ve known it for a while now, though.”
That’s not the reaction I expected.
“What I mean is…well, I’ve told you all about how I’ve loved you since I was twelve.But what I haven’t told you is what happened this past spring, when you were recovering from your surgery.”
“Oh, shit.What did I do?”
Phoebe laughs.I love the sound of that girl’s laugh.She scoots closer to me and climbs into my lap again, then grabs the two wool blankets and pulls them over our heads.
“Remember how I told you that my heart was waiting for you, just in case?”
“Yes.”
“I decided to do that for a reason.It began the night you finally agreed to take pain meds, which was the only way the surgeon would sign your discharge.”
“Right.That operation was bitch.”
“But you never let on, Evander.All you did was argue and complain and tell me you were fine.”
“I’m such a bastard.”
“Anyway, I bring you home that night while your dad’s having a barbecue.You insist on going there instead of your place.So that’s what we do.”
I nod.I vaguely remember this.
“You started doing wheelies in your wheelchair and took Jasmine for spins around your dad’s back deck.You ate your body weight in ribs, but you really did have a great time.I wouldn’t let you drink beer because of your medication, though.We nearly came to blows.”
I laugh.“I was just giving you shit, Phoebs.”
“Oh, I’m aware of that.”
