That makes me look over at him, surprise momentarily eclipsing my unease. “What? No, that’s—that’s stupid.” Except that he’s managed to zero in on exactly what’s making me want to cry. I know I’m exhausted, I know my emotions right now are probably not to be trusted. But the very fact that I’m so tired means I can barely fight the things that want to come out. The same things—the same insecurities—that have always stood between us.
“We’ve slept together—I mean, you know, actuallyslept—tons of times. On Gaia in the temple, in the ship at the Junction … Is it Gisela and Luisa? You still think—”
“That was on Gaia,” I interrupt. “And on the ship. This is different.”
“Different how?” Jules’s voice is patient,toopatient—it makes me want to snap, just to make him crack like me.
“Different because—because we were going to die there together on Gaia. And on that ship. Because there, our differences weren’t so … We were more alike there, the things that separated us didn’t matter because we were surrounded by everything alien. Here, it’s … it’sdifferent.”
“You only kissed me because you thought we were going to die?”
I turn to find Jules still sitting on the foot of the bed, his hands clasped in his lap, watching me. His face is calm, but his eyes are wounded, and my throat tightens.
“No, of course not.” I swallow. “Maybe. God, Jules—what do you think is going to happen, really? I’d say we were just being teenagers, just hormones and fooling around and it’s no big deal, but that’s nottrue. I know that, you know that.” I pause, a sudden fear seizing me. “Right?”
A little of the hurt in his gaze fades, the lamplight catching in his curly hair, frizzy from sleeping in the car. “So why is that a bad thing?”
“Because it’s impossible now.” I tell myself it’s the exhaustion making my voice wobble. “Even if everything works out, even if Neal can get in to see your father, and he shuts down the portals and stops the Undying and we’re somehow forgiven for all our crimes … We live on separate continents. I can barely afford to feed myself, and every spare penny goes to Evie—it’s not like I can fly to London and see you. And you’ve got your school, and your dad, and your life, you can’t just drop everything and come visit me while I go back to my life of petty thievery. I mean, what do you think is going to happen when all this is over?”
A muscle stands out along Jules’s jaw as he clenches it, and he drops his eyes for a moment. When he looks up, that hurt is back, and with it a flicker of anger. “I guess I thought we’d both try to fight for it. For whatever this is.”
Frustration sings through me as I toss the granola bar back onto the dresser and turn the rest of the way to face him. “Do you have any idea how naïve that sounds?” I blurt. “You don’t know anything about me—you’ve lived your whole life in your sheltered Oxford bubble. Thingsaren’tgoing to work out. Odds are, if we survive this, I’m going to jail. I’ll be afelon, Jules. Do you really want a relationship based on a ten-minute phone call once a week from prison?”
The hands clasped in his lap tighten, his knuckles whitening, and then he gets slowly to his feet. There’s nowhere to go in the tiny place, though, so he just stands there, lips tight. “So you don’t even want to try? I thought … I thought you felt the same way I did.”
“You don’t get it.” I stare at him helplessly. “One way or another, I’m going to lose you. When all this is over, I’m going toloseyou. And that’s what I think about every time you touch me, every time I want to—to kiss you, every time Ilookat you. I remember I’m going to lose you.”
Something clears in Jules’s eyes, their warm brown softening asunderstanding spreads across his face. “Because everything is different now.”
Throat too tight for speech, I nod, feeling a tear slide down past my nose.
Jules steps forward until we’re close, but not touching. He doesn’t try to take my hand, or kiss me, or even wipe away the tear that his eyes track down my cheek. “I’m not going to let that happen.” He’s as serious, as intent, as he’s ever been. More so even than he was on Gaia, fixated on his mission. “And neither are you. You’re not giving either of us enough credit.”
“But—”
“Mia, we’ve been to the other side of the universe and back. We traveled to the heart of an ancient alien temple, we survived pitfalls and scavenger attacks and double-crossing secret agents, and we’re about to save the world. Do you honestly think an ocean is going to stop us?”
My mind scrambles to dismiss what he’s saying, despite how much I long to be convinced. “It’s not the same thing—I was doing it for Evie. And you were doing it for your dad. Everything we’ve managed to do, we were doing it for people we—”
I stop abruptly, the word sticking in my throat, my whole body freezing.
Jules waits, but when I don’t go on, he suggests, “For people we love?”
I’m still frozen, my eyes fixed on his chin rather than his face, too afraid to look up to see his eyes.
Jules takes a slow breath, close enough that it stirs my hair when he lets it out again. “We haven’t known each other very long. But we know each otherwell. And yes, it breaks pretty much every rule there is when it comes to what makes sense, what’s logical.” He ducks his head until he can catch my eye, reluctant though I am to let him. “But you’reAmelia Radcliffe. When have you ever given a toss about the rules?”
His face is so familiar, so earnestly kind, that my fears and my pain slip away, as tangible and fleeting as the tear about to drop off my cheek. Something settles, deep in my mind—a truth I’ve been ignoring, denying, even fighting.
Whatever it is, Jules sees it in my face. His eyebrows lift. “Do you want me to sleep on the floor?” There’s no guile there, no attempt to guilt me one way or the other. It’s gentle, that offer.
Swallowing hard, I shake my head.
His mouth curves a little, and the warmth in his gaze sharpens as it drops a little past my eyes. “Then can I kiss you now?” he asks, watching my lips.
Rules be damned.
“Hell yes.”
