A sob bubbles out of me before I can stop it, and my body shudders as I cave in, rolling onto Brooks’ lap. “Oh my gosh, Evan,” he coos, caressing my shoulders. “You couldn’t have known that she was going to pass so suddenly…”
“If I hadn’t been feeling so pressured to listen to that inner-shithead, I would have given her that divorce she asked for. She deserved someone who could love her the way she should have been. I was too pig-headed to admit defeat though. It wouldn’t take long before word of our split would make its way around town, and I didn’t want that shame to follow me around. It was fucking selfish and stupid of me; I thought I could just fix it. Her heart—our marriage—wasn’t just another engine I could fix, though, and I shouldn’t have ever treated them like that. I feel like Iusedher…”
“How so?” Brooks asks, comforting me as I sob more.
He continues to comfort me as I unload everything onto him, sick of holding it in anymore. I tell him about how I went into high school,pretty sure I was attracted to guys, having had crushes on a couple in middle school but that I never acted upon, afraid of rejection. I confess that I met Gordy Masterson—the sole owner of that voice in my head—that last year I attended Explorer Camp.
It started out that I had a crush on one of my three bunkmates. Gordy was cute, and we had a lot in common. We weren’t always enemies. I was excited when I found out he and his family were moving to Ternbay at the end of summer. I was pumped that we’d be going to the same school, and would inevitably see a lot more of each other even after camp ended.
I had finally met someone who shared so much in common with me, especially our shared love of baseball. I was elated about introducing him to the rest of the team back home. We were attached at the hip most of that summer… until the very end, when I ruined everything good between us.
I may have insinuated that I was a little interested in him, as more than just a friend, when I tried to kiss him one night. No, I didn’t maul him. In fact, all I did was hold his hand, lean in, and purse my lips. I thought he wanted it too, he seemed interested, but I guess I read him wrong. Very, very wrong.
He flipped out on me big time—just for touching him. Merely holding his hand.
I tried to play it off as just a harmless joke, but he kept me at arms length for the last two weeks of our time at camp. He even requestedto switch tents. He said it was because someone in ours kept him up all night, but I knew better.
By the time freshman year rolled around, we both started our tenure at Ternbay High totally at odds with one another. Him constantly giving me shit about being sure I was afagor alittle fairy. I’d denied it all, but the bullying kept on anyway. He eventually enlisted help to taunt me from his new friend group, who happened to be the ones I’d played baseball with my entire life.
I’m sure he shared what happened at camp with them, which is when they turned from being my friends to just my teammates. I was no longer invited to go hang out in town with the guys, because no one wantedthat sissy boyhanging out with them, like I was infected with some contagious disease or something.
This harassment went on for a couple ofyears.
Gordy and I were enemies in every way imaginable. In class, he’d wad up notes and throw them at the back of my head, and when I’d open them, I’d see the obscene and bigoted notes he’d written to me—degrading me. He had said some really vile shit in those notes.
In the hallways, he and his friends—my former ones—would hurl more hateful, bigoted words at me and shove me into the lockers.
On the baseball diamond, we’d compete for bragging rights—we were both good players, and we both knew it. He was the pitcher, and I the catcher, so we should have been a cohesive team, but Coach ended up having to break up a lot of fist fights between us. Junior year, it finally came to a head.
Gordy and I were both gunning for a coveted baseball scholarship. Only one was given out to the best player at Ternbay High. Both our stats, throughout our high school career, were good enough that we were contenders, even though we were still a year away from graduating.
“Ineedthat scholarship, so don’t fuckin’ try to screw me over, you little homo,”he hissed at me one game, when I came back into the dugout after hitting an in-field grand slam.
I tried to ignore him and kept plugging away at trying to keep my grades up and playing well. I, too, needed that scholarship, so I could be the first in my family to go to college and get the hell out of Ternbay… and the misery of being an outcast of society.
I wanted to get the hell out of Dodge and create a new identity for myself. One in perhaps a more accepting corner of the world. A place where I’d be far away from all this ignorance and hate.
It was our last regular season game of our junior year. A make-or-break game for our team, since, if we won, we’d be going into the playoffs. I was getting changed in the locker room, when one of the other guys cornered me near the back, away from the others. I thought it was odd at first, but I didn’t immediately brush him off, because out of all the guys, he’d been the one that gave me the least amount of shit with the whole gay thing.
He actually had, I thought, been flirting with me for a few weeks leading up until this point. At first, I was skeptical. Rightfully so, he was a part of the team that hated me so much, just for being attracted to other guys. But he would secretly pull me aside all the time and tell me just how cute he thought I was, wink at me when I met his gaze from across the cafeteria, and would never let me walk out to my truck alone at the end of practice.
After a few minutes of hyping me up, telling me this was going to be our game, he started obviously flirting with me. I took this as a sure sign he was indeed interested in me and ready to make it known. I looked around as he leaned in, like he wanted to kiss me, and saw no one paying us any attention. He showered me with morecompliments, telling me how hot he thought I was, and then he edged even closer, his body pressed close to mine, eyes fixed on my lips.
This was it. This was going to be my first kiss. I was sure of it.
Hot and expectant, I got hard—impossibly hard, tenting the gym shorts I was about to change out of. There’d have been no denying it, if anyone were to look over and see past his body, which was thankfully blocking their view. He licked his lips and his face got close to mine.
“Can I kiss you?”he whispered, his breath hot on my lips.
I nodded and closed my eyes and waited.
…and waited…
Finally, uproarious laughter erupted in the locker room. The hoots and guffawing echoed around the concrete and tile room. I opened my eyes to find everyone gathered around, pointing at me—the scene in my shorts, specifically—and Gordy filming the whole thing. The whole damn thing had been a set-up.
An elaborate one at that, because then I was being mocked mercilessly for my gullibility.
I angrily started gathering my things, stuffing my gear into my gym bag in a fluster. Shame and embarrassment made me feel nauseous. I had been used just to be the butt of some sick joke. As I decided to say fuck the rest of my gear—I’d come back for it later—I sought escape, stomping towards the door to the gym and not the ball field.
