“Oh no?” My fury was fire, burning so brightly it turned the finely ground pieces of me from liquid to clear glass. “And why’s that?”
“Wha— I mean, how—” His face was a picture of confusion. Brows raised, mouth forming a near-perfectO. Usually, when I saw that face on him, I rushed in. I charged in to help him, to save him. To protect him. That night, I saw it and wanted to put my fist through something. “Y-you can’t go…” he whispered, “’cause we said we’d go together.”
Together?
My mind whited out for a second and then came back online in an even worse state than before. “Together!?” I all but yelled. “To-fucking-gether, Romeo? You just gotmarried.”
My fists clenched so hard that my nails dug into my palms. I wanted, no, I needed, to break something. A window. A wall. A solid slab of concrete. I didn’t care what.
“I know that,” he replied angrily. “What I don’t know is why you’re going now, like this. I thought you’d wait until the end of summer. It’s weeks away. It’s my wedding day, and you’re the best man. You can’t leave now.” I was lightheaded with anger, shaking so hard I was outside myself. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you looking at me like that?” I didn’t answer. “Why the hell areyouangry, Jude? I’m the one that should be angry. It’s supposed to be the happiest day of my life, and you’re ruining it.”
“Why am I angry?” I overpronounced each word, pausing between each one as my voice and chin shook with venom. “Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me right now? I’m angry because the best day of your life is the worst day of mine. I’m angry because we were lovers, Romeo.Lovers.I was yours and you weremine, and you threw me away.”
“Jesus,” he said, looking around to see if anyone had heard me. He took me firmly by the upper arm and hissed, “Lower your voice! And what are you talking about? That was…that was years ago, and it wasn’t…We weren’t… It was just fuc—”
“Oh no. Don’t you fucking dare!” I threw his hand off me and shouted, “Don’t you fucking dare deny it. It wasn’t justfucking,you fucking idiot, it waslove. I didn’t fuck you. Ilovedyou.”
I ran out of steam abruptly and breath too. Everything I’d been holding in came crashing down around me, and I made a horrible gurgling sound as the first sob tore through me. Tears poured down my face, thick, steady streams of saltwater that choked me and cut off my air.
“I loved you then,you asshole, and, and I love you now. I’ve loved you forever, Romeo, and you”—there was another, even deeper, more gut-wrenching sob—“you just married…someone, who, who…isn’t me.”
His face went blank. A splash of white paint on a freshly plastered wall. A kaleidoscopic turned. Spinning and spinning, throwing up a sea of blues that eventually swam together and landed on something lifeless and flat.
Over the years, I’d revisit that look many, many times. I’d analyze it, overthink it, and torture myself over and over with what it was and what it meant, but right then, I didn’thave time for that. I had to leave. I had to get as far away from Romeo as humanly possible.
My survival depended on it.
I got as far as the Lakeview Motel, thirty miles east of Alabaster. It was thirty miles farther than I should have driven in that state. I got the key to my room, an ice bucket, and directions to the ice machine. I managed to stay upright until I’d locked the door and dropped my phone and keys on the floor.
I didn’t know people could cry like that. Till it hurt. Till it hollowed you out and made you sick. Till everything burned and you didn’t think you’d ever be able to stop.
I was dimly aware of my phone vibrating and pinging where it lay a few yards from me, but I couldn’t move and lacked the inclination to try. I lay on the bed, curled on my side, feverish and shivering.
It was done. Romeo was married. There was nothing to say that could change anything and no one I wanted to say it to.
Eventually, I slept. I must have because I woke in the early hours, curtains still open, the blue-black sky that heralded a new day an ominous taunt instead of a promise.
The ice had melted, so I drank straight from the bucket, took a leak, and then checked my phone. There was a message from Lexi and my mom, and a slew of missedcalls and messages from Romeo. There was roughly one message sent every half hour throughout the night.
Jude
Jude
Where are you?
Call me
I'm worried
I didn't know
I swear
Please call me
Jude
Jude
