I’m glad Damien left. I’m glad I felt what I did when he left. I’m glad he hurt me. I’m glad he made a huge hole in my heart. I’m glad he broke me. If he hadn’t, I wouldn’t feel like this now. Whole. I wouldn’t have a boy who fixed me. I wouldn’t recognize him as hard as I do. I wouldn’t know that even though he’s not what I was looking for, he’s what I want. What I need. He’s what I’ve always wanted and needed.
“Elliot,” I say, taking my time, letting his name settle between us.
He blinks and searches my face, unsure of my tone as it’s one he hasn’t heard before. It doesn’t matter that it’s new. He smiles at it. He welcomes it because it comes from me. Because he’s mine. Because he’s meant to be mine. Because he was made for me, and I was made for him.
He sets down the plate he was washing and turns to face me fully, still waiting. Still content in the moment. A beautiful boy in ridiculous shorts and a pair of marigold gloves.
“Elliot,” I say again, hoarse, helpless this time, “Daddy loves you.”
He’s still for a second, and then he flies to me, flinging one glove on the floor and crashing into me with the other still on. I catch him and lift him easily, guiding his legs around my waist and crushing him to me, kissing his forehead, his cheeks, and finally, his lips. My heart explodes into millions of pieces as he cries, “I love you too, Daddy. I love you too.”
28
Stuart
Ilookdownandread the message again.
Jeff Gould: Stu! In town on Saturday. Will swing by with some brewskys if you’re around?
The message popped up a good twenty minutes ago, and I still haven’t responded. Elliot’s on the sofa, pretending to be in such a deep sleep he didn’t notice when Sadie jumped up. I’ve been watching him closely, and best I can tell, he hasn’t received any messages.
Surely, surely to God, Jeff wouldn’t turn up here without even getting in touch with him. Surely not, right?
My chest tightens and heats. For the first time, what I feel when I think about the way Jeff treats Elliot doesn’t just disappoint me. It infuriates me.
I sit on the arm of the sofa and stroke Elliot’s hair until he opens his eyes. He does a pretty decent impression of one who is surprised to learn they have a dog curled up in their arms. I lean down and kiss him, and then I say, “I just heard from your dad, baby. He’s dropping by this weekend.”
“Oh,” he says quickly. “Okay. I can make myself scarce if you like. It’s no sweat.”
I’m on my knees on the floor in a second. My hands slide under his armpits and I pull him into a sitting position, looking straight into his eyes.
“Absolutely not. This is your home. There’s no making yourself scarce here.”
“I know.” He smiles hesitantly. “I don’t care what he thinks about this for me, but I know what he means to you, and if you want to keep this on the DL from him, I get it. He’s been in your life for a long time, and I’ve only—”
“You’re not going anywhere, and we’re not hiding anything, and that’s final.” My hands are still under his arms. I hold him firmly for a second, and then I give him a tiny little shake to drum my point home. “We’ll tell him when he gets here. It’s on him how he reacts. Neither of us can control that.”
Jeff walks up the drive, a six-pack dangling in each hand. When he sees me, he smiles and does this ridiculous side-step, dip, and lope thing he started doing in the late nineties and hasn’t managed to stop since. I crack a smile despite the flutter of nerves.
“Stu-ball!” he bellows.
I don’t even try not to roll my eyes. He embraces me tightly, beers clanking at the back of my neck. When I pull away, he notices Elliot at my side.
“Oh hey, man.” He leans in as Elliot steps back slightly. It’s an awkward, stilted hug that’s hard to watch. “Didn’t realize you’d be here.”
Well, shit.
Guess I’m just going to have to jump right in.
“Elliot lives here, Jeff. With me. Permanently.”
“Oh.” There’s a hint of confusion in his eyes, but I can tell he’s far from piecing it together. “That’s cool. You guys must have really hit it off. Nice one, bud.”
“Yeah, we did,” says Elliot. “We definitelyhitit off.”
“Actually, Jeff, we’ve done a little more than that.” He smiles at me, still with no clue what I mean. I smile back and take a second to look at him—shaggy brown hair, lazy hazel eyes, and skin that’s starting to show signs of too much exposure to fun and sun—just in case it’s the last smile we share. “Elliot and I are together.”
“Wait.” His head whips from me to Elliot and back to me again. “What?”
