Then
Now
Always
By the time he stills, my arms and legs have given way and I’ve fallen forward onto my belly. He’s kneeling over me, softening inside me. He traces the pad of his thumb in a gentle semi-circle where he and I are joined. It’s so sensitive, I choke out a dry sob. I’m in such a deep trance it takes me a while to realize he’s started talking again. He’s saying filthy, terrible, beautiful things about what we just did.
“Look at you,” he murmurs, “spent and worn out. Boneless and brainless. Fucked for the first time.” He pulls out of me slowly, careful not to hurt me. He wheezes when he sees what he made spill out of me. He takes my cheeks in both hands and gently pries them open to give himself a better view. “Oh fuck, I wish you could see this. I wish you could see how you look. I wish you could see this pretty little virgin hole, bright pink and fucked out.”
I groan, desperate, helpless, senseless, as a new wave of arousal flows through me. Coming apart seems to sober him up. He’s quiet for several seconds. He’s still close, but he’s not touching me anymore. I can tell without looking back the spell has been broken. The cold fist of anguish grips me and squeezes tightly. He gets off the bed.
“Jessie,” I whisper, barely able to raise my head off the bed, “you’ll hurt me if you pull away.”
By the time I look up, he’s at the door. The euphoria and bliss I felt moments ago dissipate completely and give way to a storm of emotion. I feel overwhelmed. Defenseless. Completely open and wrecked. I feel like I’m cracking. I try not to breathe because I know if I exhale, my breath will come out on the back of a flood of tears. I try to tell myself everything will be fine. I know what he’s like. He always does this when we’ve done something new. I knew what he was like when I told him I wanted to have sex. I knew this was a risk and I was happy to take it.
It doesn’t work.
I thought this time would be different and the fact that it isn’t feels big and bad enough to break me.
“Roll over.”
I spin round, shocked he’s back and that he’s suddenly so close to me.
I obey, more out of surprise than any sort of conscious decision. “W-what are you doing?”
He doesn’t answer. He sits beside me on the bed and shows me the white washcloth in his hands. I reach for it, but he moves it out of my way. I drop my hands down at my sides and he wipes me down. I watch his face the whole time. His lashes are thick and black, and he looks almost peaceful as he studies me. His gaze slides hotly down my belly, down my shaft and my balls, and then lower down. The cloth is damp and warm, so warm it’s a surprise at first. What he’s doing to me feels decadent and almost painfully intimate. Part of me wants to recoil, but I can’t because it’s him.
When he’s done, he tosses the cloth into the laundry hamper in the corner of my room.
“Move up,” he says, giving me a little shove.
I do as he says, rolling onto my side, facing the wall. He lies down beside me, sliding one arm under my neck and the other around my waist. He tightens them both at the same time, pulling me so close I can hardly breathe.
“What are you doing?” I ask again.
“Told you,” he murmurs. “Told you I’d take care of you.”
I smile so big and so wide my face feels like it’s splitting in two. I turn my head to look at him. I know he’ll hate it, but I do it because I also know I’ll regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t see the look on his face right now.
It’s worth it.
“Don’t smile like that,” he grumbles.
“Why not?”
“’Cause it scares me.” It’s not what I’m expecting to hear. In fact, it might be the last thing I expect him to say. I turn my head around again so I’m facing the wall again. He leans in close. I feel a light whisper of breath on my neck. “Feels like my heart’s beating out of my chest when you smile at me like that.”
I smile and whisper, “This is it, Jess.”
“Mmm?”
“Right here, right now – this is what good feels like.”
16
Jessie
Hotwatercascadesdownaround me. I turn around and let it pummel my back and shoulders. It’s a welcome relief. I have a crick in my neck from spending the night wrapped up in Luke. I shampoo and wash and then spend a few more minutes soaking up steam. I’m sorely tempted to rub one out. I woke up with a lethal type of boner and it’s yet to go down. Every time I close my eyes, I see Luke naked on his hands and knees. Fuck, he looked good. The perfect combination of muscle and apprehension. I loved his nervous excitement. It emanated off him in waves, rolling straight through me when I touched him. The whole thing felt like it was happening slowly, so I had time to feel and see things I usually miss. I didn’t miss anything. I felt every time he flinched in shock or pain, and I felt the exact second it turned to pleasure. The sound he made when I broke his seal just about finished me. I was terrified I was hurting him at the time but now I want to go back in time and relive that moment with him again and again.
