“Professional?Professional?”I laugh in his face. “How do you think it makes me feel? How do you think I feel knowing the man I, er, hate, is fucking other people?”
His cool, calm and collected demeanor starts to show microscopic cracks. “Damon, if you knew anything about me, you’d know I’m not like that. Idon’tfuck around.”
That makes me ache, too.
He pulls me into his arms and lets out the sweet sigh I’ve come to expect when we kiss. His lips are firm. Dense. Intense. They burn me hotter and harder than lips have any business burning anyone. The kiss is so soft, it turns me to mush. He wraps his arms around me and crushes me against his chest. I feel like I can’t breathe. Like I’m suffocating. Like I’m being held down underwater. I pull away and step back, gasping to catch my breath. His eyes are a dark question.
“Still angry, huh?” he says softly.
“Yeah. I’m angry. I’m angry with you for everything you’ve done and everything you are. I’m angry with you because of your dumb face and your fucked up nose and the way you smell. But most of all…most of all, the reason I’m so goddamn angry with you is because after all this time, youstilldon’t have the first fucking clue how to hate fuck.”
His eyes widen and then crease at the corners. He starts to laugh. It’s a low, rumbling round that reverberates around the room and sends deep vibrations through me. It rattles something loose. Something I’ve buried deep. Something I’ve tried to keep hidden for all I’m worth. Something I’ve tried to hide from him, from Lacey, from everyone who knows me, but mostly, it’s something I’ve tried to hide from myself.
My heart flaps frantically in my chest. Dusty feathers rattle against my ribcage. Wings flutter, stretch out, and start to flap. I start speaking before I’m ready, but I know what I’m going to say. My heart has been saying it for a while now. I’ve just been too stupid to hear it.
“Joey, I want you in my life.”
“I am in your life.”
“No, I want you for real. Not like this. I want you out in the open. I want to wake up with you. I want to know where you’re going to go during the day and what you’ll be doing. I want to know who you’re seeing, and I want to know what time to expect you for dinner.”
His eyes blacken and his jaw tenses. His shoulders do, too. “You know I can’t give you that. That’s a different world to the world I live in. I’m not what you want, Damon.”
“You’re the only thing I want.”
“No, I’m not. You want lots of things. I’m just the only thing you can’t buy.”
His words reach into my ribcage, strangling the thing that’s trying to break free. “Is that what you think?” My voice cracks, but I don’t care. “After everything, is that how you see me? Is that what you think this is?”
He shrugs.
“You’re wrong, Joey. You’re regurgitating the same old bullshit you’ve always told yourself and you’re so goddamned stupid you haven’t taken the time to question it. To see that things change. People change.”
His eyes are narrowed. Hard. I can see I’ve touched on a nerve. If there’s one thing Saint believes, it’s that people don’t change. The problem is, he’s touched a nerve for me, too. My last nerve. I’ve made myself vulnerable to him. I never do that. I never, ever do that. I’ve opened up to him and he’s shut me down. He hasn’t listened. He hasn’t even considered what I’m saying. The pain and humiliation are excruciating.
“I’m not coming back here. I’m done. I’m not going to follow you. I’m done stalking you. I’m done with you and all your bullshit.”
I take a step towards the door. He watches passively without moving a muscle. My hands and my insides are trembling but I allow myself one last look at his beautifully broken face.
“The next time I lay eyes on you,” I say, with a level of self-assurance I don’t feel, “it will be in broad daylight. No more hiding in the dark. No more shadows. You’ll be dressed as if you’re on your way to meet someone who’s worth a damn to you. You’ll ask me out like a normal person, and we’ll go on a date. A real date, with flowers and romance and all that crap. Afterwards, we’ll go back to my place and fuck like Gods, and you’ll spend the night. The whole night. When we wake up, I’ll tell you you snored, and you’ll tell me I stole all the blankets. You’ll make me breakfast and we’ll spend most of the day arguing and annoying the shit out of each other, but here’s the thing, Joey; we’ll be happy. You and me. We’ll be happy.”
Chapter 29
Saint
Here’sthething,Joey;we’ll be happy.
Happy?
Is he for real? I can’t stop picturing how stupid he looked when he said it. He didn’t look like himself. His eyes were wide and paler than usual. He wasn’t sneering at all. It looked wrong on him. It looked very fucking wrong. It sounded wrong, too. His voice is usually clear and cutting, but it wasn’t. It was soft and uncertain. I hated the way it sounded. It made my guts clench like they used to clench in Afghanistan for those few seconds between seeing a blast on the horizon, and when the sound came rushing at me.
Happy?
Seriously? Me, happy?Happy?It’s such a childish notion, I almost want to laugh. He’s so spoiled and his privilege is so goddamn excessive, he actually thinks happiness is an option for people like me. He actually thinks I spend my time thinking about that kind of crap.
For the record, I don’t. I’ve never wasted a second on that kind of bullshit. I wouldn’t have survived if I did. No, I don’t think about things as fleeting and frivolous as happiness. I don’t have the time. I think about food on my plate. I think about having a roof over my head. I think about not getting my face bashed in. I think about going to sleep at night and knowing that no one’s coming for me. I think about staying alive and making enough money to make all those things possible.
That’s what I think about.
