I hate the idea of hurting him. I believe him when he says he’s sorry. I hate that even though he did this, this is going to make the next couple of weeks and his move so much harder for him. I study his face as he leans into my touch. “I’ll stay with Pen until I fly to London. I’d like to see Enrique and Antonella while they’re here. If they don’t hate me.” His relationship with my family is as important to them as it is to him. I know it’s going to crush them when they find out.
“I’m not going to hide it from them. I won’t lie to my family, but I know that they won’t hate you. You can stay with Penelope, or you can stay in a spare room. I’m not going to kick you out of your home, Lan.” I’m so exhausted, I desperately want to sleep. Perhaps I’ll wake up and this will have been a nightmare, because I still can’t fathom a reality where Harlan could do this to us.
“Where does this leave us, Darío?” His eyes brim with tears again, and his voice cracks on my name.
“There is no ‘us.’ We can make the living arrangements work while you’re here, and I’ll help you pack whatever you are taking, but that’s it. I love you. I love you so much more than you deserve, but right now, I can’t wait to have an ocean between us.” I release my hold on his face and turn away from him. “Please turn off the light when you leave.”
I hear his quiet sobs as he makes his way to the bedroom door, flipping the light switch as he goes. When the door is closed, I fall apart, my face buried in his pillows that smell like fresh strawberries. When I finally fall asleep, I’m haunted by dreams of Harlan in our bed with faceless men. I wake up throughout the night, my face wet from tears, and more than once, I think I hear his cries from across the hall.
The last weekand a half has been unbearable. I have barely seen Darío, and I know it’s because he’s been avoiding me when he isn’t traveling. It’s my fault, and I don’t blame him. I hate more than anything that I can’t offer him comfort, that I can't ease his pain. Not when I’m the one who did this. I can’t even close my eyes without picturing his face the moment he processed my words.
I was so embarrassed at what I did that I stayed with Penny while Antonella and Enrique were here. I couldn’t bring myself to face them after what I did. Antonella tried to text me a few times, but I ignored her messages. Not only did my shitty behavior cost me the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but I’ve lost his family, too. I realize that I’ll never have another holiday with them, that I won’t be able to gang up with Antonella against Dare and Enrique during family game nights. I can’t imagine how angry they are with me, and my heart can’t handle facing them.
Jules and AJ have also tried reaching out. Their texts to check in had me in tears. While they are very much Darío’s friends, they became mine, too. More like family, if I’m honest. I guess avoiding people is the only thing I’m good at these days. As much as it hurts to leave without saying goodbye to the people who have become closer to me than my own family, it’s easier than facing the judgment that I’m sure they’re feeling.
I leave the day after tomorrow and Dare and I have exchanged as few words as possible while living under the same roof. He helped me pack my things for the movers, but he did it in total silence. Shawn arranged for the transport of everything, so all I have is hand luggage to take on the flight. I have walked through each room to ensure that I haven’t missed anything. Every room has flooded me with memories. Meals, decorating, holidays, sex, laughs, conversations about our future together. These walls have seen so much, and now I’ve effectively erased any signs of my having lived here.
In the last year or so, Dare has dropped hints about getting engaged, which I met with enthusiasm. I kept expecting him to pop the question, but it hasn’t happened. Now, it never will. I suspected he had bought a ring, but I was content to act surprised, so I never mentioned it. When I was packing up my stuff in our room the other day, I saw a black velvet ring box hidden in a box full of paperwork and other things stashed in our closet. It was a clever place to hide it since Dare was always the responsible one when it came to birth certificates, passports, and things like that. I couldn’t bring myself to open it, but it has haunted me relentlessly. I nestled it back amongst his things, and cried until I had no tears left. I heard him open the bedroom door, but he didn’t seek me out.
Familiar footsteps echo from the hallway as I sit on the bed contemplating my life. I look up to see Dare standing in the doorway. He’s leaning with his arms crossed against his nakedchest, and the visceral reaction my body has to his is as strong as ever. I want, so badly, to ask him when he was planning to propose. Would I have done anything different that night if I had a ring on my finger? Would that reminder have been enough when I kept shoving his voice down? I don’t deserve him, and I get to live with that reality for the rest of my life.
“Hey,” he says. It’s the first time he’s engaged me in a conversation rather than me finding any reason to get him to talk to me. I’ve been borderline unhinged, seeking out any possible reason to be near him, to interact with him, to get him to look at me. Begging for any scrap of attention he’s willing to give.
“Hey.” I’m not sure what to say. I’m watching him like one would watch a wild animal. I don’t want to scare him away. I want him to come closer so I can inhale his scent. I want his arms to embrace me. I want to fall asleep wrapped up in him one more time. I would cut off a limb if it meant he’d show me any affection.
“Are you ready for the move?” Such an inane question, but it’s like he’s trying the conversation on. Seeing how it feels. Testing his limits to see if he can tolerate speaking to me.
“Yeah, the movers will be here tomorrow. Pen is taking me to the airport on Thursday morning. My flight leaves at six. Millie is meeting me at Heathrow when I land.” My sister Amelia is going to university in London, so at least I’ll be close to her. That’s, perhaps, the only positive thing about this wretched move.
“Are you staying with her?” He’s still standing in the doorway. I don’t even pretend I’m not soaking in every inch of him. The physical ache I feel when I think about being away from him is constant. I find myself wondering if he’s affected by me at all. Other than repulsion, I mean. I’m sure I’m imagining the look of disgust in his eyes. That’s more likely a reflection of how I feel about myself.
“For a bit. L&L gave me a couple of weeks to get settled, so I’ll spend some time looking for a flat there while I’m not working. Shawn rescheduled all of my travel, so I have no shoots in the States.” My phone vibrates with an incoming text message, and I look at it. I feel like I’ve been caught doing something wrong. “It’s Wes confirming dinner with the people from the office,” I tell him.
“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Harlan. It’s none of my business.” His abrasive and maybe a bit dismissive tone stings, and I have to fight the urge to get defensive. He’s well within his right to feel the way he does.
“I know I don’t have to.” I fidget nervously with my fingers. “Can…can I ask you something?” I stumble over my words, the nerves taking over now that he’s actually talking to me.
“I can’t promise you’ll like the answer, but you can ask me anything.” He eyes me carefully, unsure where I’m going to take this conversation. I don’t miss the way he looks at me with distrust and uncertainty. I want to tell him how sorry I am, that I would do anything for his forgiveness. That I want to take it all back and just go back to what we were.
“Can we stay in touch when I leave? I know that’s asking for a lot. Far more than I deserve. But god, Dare. I’m going to miss you so fucking much.” I wince, because I’m sure I know what he’s going to say. Begging doesn’t absolve me of how badly I fucked up.
He moves to kneel in front of me. “I can’t be friends with you, sweetness. Not now. I already miss you. I feel like I’m missing a vital part of me, but I can’t be that for you. I’m not mad at you. Perhaps that’s one of my biggest downfalls. I can never stay angry with you. I’m so fucking hurt, though. I need to learn who I am without you. Being friends will feel like picking at a scab, so the wound doesn’t heal. We both have to heal, baby.” He leans in and kisses my forehead.
“I know I keep saying this, but I’m so sorry,” I whisper. “I’d take it back if I could.”
He looks at me for a moment without speaking. “So would I. Have fun at dinner, Harlan.” With that, he leaves me alone, closing the door softly behind him.
Before heading out for dinner, I decide to say goodbye to Allegra. Grabbing the last of my Twizzlers stash, I slip out the front door without running into Dare. I almost weep when the tiny Italian woman opens her front door for me for the last time. “You look beautiful today, Allegra,” I tell her as I hand her the candy.
“Oh hush, you. Come sit. I’ll make you some tea.” She ushers me inside the foyer that’s covered in floral wallpaper that’s probably as old as her. She nudges me into a chair in her kitchen before she starts fussing over the teapot that I gave her after she tried to microwave hot water for tea once. “Tell me what’s got my boy looking so sad. And don’t lie to me, Harlan. It’s more than you leaving.”
“I made a big mistake, Allegra,” I begin, my voice cracking on her name. Saying it out loud to someone whose opinion matters to me more than my actual family is nearly impossible.
“Did you murder someone?” She sits across from me, her shrewd gaze making me squirm, despite the fact that I did not, in fact, murder anyone.
“Of course not,” I immediately protest, making her chuckle.
“That’s good news. I would have been your alibi, of course. But murder can be so messy,” she says matter-of-factly. “If it’s not murder, it can be fixed. So, tell me.”
