“You make it sound so easy,” I grumble.
“No, I don’t think it’ll be easy. None of the things that are worth it are ever easy. That’s a lot of strain to put on a relationship, no matter how healthy it is. It also doesn’t have to be permanent,” he says gently. I have calculated every possible scenario to see how often I could fly to the UK to see him. If I have to live the majority of my life getting on and off planes, it would be worth it for a few minutes with Harlan.
Jules looks at his best friend in awe. “How is it that the man who breaks out in hives if someone says ‘commitment’ in his vicinity can give such deep insight?” AJ punches him, and Julian yelps. A quick scuffle ensues between the two of them before Coach gives themthe look,putting an immediate end to their nonsense.
“I’d feel better if he’d just talk to me about it more, you know? Three weeks is nothing. We’ll be on the road for some of that, and it just feels like we’re running out of time to come upwith a plan if he has to go.” I reach for my phone to check for a message from Lan. Disappointment creeps in when there are no messages.
“Make the most of the time you have, and love him the way that only you can. Let him be sad. Be sad with him, and when he’s ready, he’ll talk to you about it. Hopefully they get it resolved, and none of this matters.” AJ reaches over Julian to squeeze my hand. “And while you support him, know that we’ve got you.” Having the two of them on the team is a blessing. Everyone in the organization is great, but I know I can always count on these two by my side.
I fall asleep for the remainder of the flight, though it’s anything but restful. We hit some turbulence while the plane descends, jolting me from my fractured sleep. My dreams were filled with images of Harlan getting on a plane, or me getting home to find the house empty, as if he had never been there. The fear and worry continue to grow, infecting me from the inside, like each minute is bringing me closer to my heart being ripped from my chest. The inevitability is suffocating. Like witnessing an accident you can’t prevent. I board the bus immediately and make no attempt at conversation with my friends.
As soon as we enter the hotel lobby, I grab my key and head right for the elevators. The guys are planning to go out since it’s still early, but I’m not good company tonight. I checked my phone before we got off the plane, but there were no messages from Harlan. My anxiety is climbing to nearly unmanageable levels. My skin is overheating, so the moment my door closes, I drop my luggage and peel off my hoodie. I take my backpack to the bed with my heart in my throat. It’s like my brain already knows what I’m about to find on my phone.
Lan
It was denied. I’m leaving on the 2nd of October.
That’s it, that’s the message. No missed calls. No other messages. It’s September 18th. That’s two weeks away. Two weeks to the day. I’m so overwhelmed that I can’t even remember whether we’re home or away on that day. My hands are shaking uncontrollably, and I see the tears landing on my phone screen before I realize I’m crying.
I dial Lan’s number, and just when I think it’s going to go to voicemail, he picks up. “Hey, babe,” he greets me, emotionless. I wish more than anything that I could get on the next flight home to pull him into my lap and offer him the comfort we both need at this moment.
“I wish I was there with you. I should be there with you. God, I’m so sorry, Lan.” I can’t stop the tears from falling. I didn’t realize until now how much hope I was hanging on to waiting for that call. In two weeks, I’ll be going to bed alone. The nights of sinking into the warmth of his body, and the mornings of leisurely kissing, will be over. The comfort of his presence will be gone. It hasn’t even happened yet, and the house already feels colder.
“It wouldn’t have changed anything, Darío. You can’t miss your games. It’s part of the job.” Harlan lets out a shaky exhale. Baseball feels so insignificant in this moment, especially when he’s hurting like this. He has to know that he’s the most important thing to me.
“I know, sweetness. What do we do now?” I’m trying so hard to keep it together for him. There’s nothing I can say that will change the outcome, nothing I can do to prevent him fromhaving to get on that plane in a couple of weeks. The inability to protect him from this has me feeling completely impotent.
“Shawn’s assistant is booking my flight. I’ll be in London until L&L can work out the paperwork and get through all the bureaucratic bullshit. He said that this administration cut back on the number of visas that they issue, and I was one of the unlucky ones. I’m starting the process for citizenship, but no one could give me a timeframe on when I can come back.” I hear the distant sound of the doorbell and a muffled shout from Lan.
“Pen is there with you?” Some of the tension leaves me knowing that his best friend is there to take care of him. She’s so good to Harlan, and they’re both going to struggle with this change. The two of them are practically inseparable. My heart aches for them, too.
“Yeah, we’re going to grab drinks,” he says, as I hear Penelope greet him. “Ok, babe. I’m going to get ready so we can go out. Get some rest. I love you.” I don’t want to get off the phone with him. He sounds broken.
“I love you most, baby. Try to have fun,” I say softly, and end the call. I’m not sure how long I stare at the wall when I hang up.
Penelope is a force,and like the hurricane she is, she refuses to allow me to wallow after I hang up with Dare. She drags me upstairs and tosses me in the shower while she gets my outfit ready. I have every intention of getting blackout drunk and forgetting that this is my life. I crank the heat on the shower until it’s just shy of too hot and allow the water to fall down my back. The sting does nothing to dull the sadness.
When I emerge from the shower, I find my best friend ready and waiting with her entire makeup kit. “I don’t think makeup is a good idea tonight, Pen.” I’m guessing there will be a lot of tears since I can’t keep my emotions under control right now. Walking around with running mascara is not a good look.
“Waterproof, babes.” She waves me off with blood-red nails. “Do you need me to dress you, or are you going to cooperate?” I wonder if I can talk her into drowning in a few bottles of wine in my living room. InDare’sliving room, because I won’t be living here soon enough.
“Can we stay in?” I give her my best pout. I have no desire whatsoever to interact with other people. Sweats and a cozy night at home seem like a much better idea. Maybe a pint of Ben & Jerry’s while we watch a movie. Nothing heals a broken heart the way a pint of Chunky Monkey does.
“Absolutely not. We are going to make the most of our last few weeks together, and I refuse to allow you to mope on the couch all weekend. How is Dare holding up?” She’s making her way toward my dresser, undeterred. Darío tried to hide his emotions on the phone. He’s always worried about me, trying to protect me, but I could hear the tremor in his voice.
“He feels guilty for not being here. He’s worried about me, but he needs to keep his head in the game.” I hate that he’s not here, too, but telling him that wouldn’t change the circumstances, and he needs to be focused on winning this weekend. The team is doing so well, and he’s such a big part of that. Despite my own sour mood, I am so proud of him. Watching Dare play the sport he loves so passionately is one of my favorite things. The only thing I enjoy more is when he’s smiling at me.
“Let’s go get you wasted, bestie.” Pen dresses me in baggy, ripped jeans and a red mesh top that she designed for L&L. The jeans hang low enough that my halo tattoo and the band of my matching red jockstrap are visible. She goes heavy on the eyeliner, and I spend a ridiculously long time getting the curls on top of my head to look like I didn’t spend a lot of time on it at all. Today may suck, but I look hot, so that’s a small win, I suppose.
When we get to RecklessX, the line to get in is full of people in various stages of dress. The beat of the music filters onto the street, and I can feel the thrumming bass in my chest. It almost masks the ache of sadness that beats behind my ribs.
Now that I’m here, I’m grateful Pen dragged me out. I need the distraction until Dare is home, so we can have aconversation. I have been avoiding it up until now because I wasn’t ready to face the possibility of having to leave him. Avoidance is my preferred method of dealing with hard shit. I’m a work in progress, what can I say?
Pen takes my hand, pulling me to the bar where she orders drinks. I have no idea what she is about to hand me, but I’m confident it’ll have a lot of alcohol. I down the glass in a long gulp, savoring the burn in my throat. My stomach warms, and I wave the bartender down for a second one. “Maybe you should pace yourself, Lan.” She may be right, but I down the second drink as quickly as the first. My head instantly feels floaty. Suddenly, forgoing dinner seems like a bad idea based on how much alcohol I intend to consume. Oh well. Eating’s cheating, as they say.
Before I can order a third, Penelope drags me to the dance floor. It’s hot and humid and smells like bad decisions. It’s easy to get lost in the sultry beat and the press of bodies surrounding me. The only thing I’m focused on is how the music feels like a living thing. For a while, Pen is pressed up against me, dancing like she’s made of the rhythm of the music surrounding us. The floral scent of her perfume is in the air as her blonde hair fans out around her. When she’s approached by a guy to dance, I’m left on my own. One song bleeds to the next as I let each beat dictate the way my body moves.
I leave the dance floor only long enough to grab another drink before navigating my way back to the center of the grinding bodies. I’m definitely on the wrong side of wasted when a beautiful man approaches me. He motions as if asking permission to approach, and without giving it a lot of—or any—thought, I nod. There’s a small part of my brain that is screaming that it’s a bad idea, but I just need to feel good right now. With Dare being gone, with so much about to change, there’s no harmin dancing with a hot guy at the club. The alcohol and the music are doing wonders in helping me forget what a shit day I’ve had.
