“Oli…” I cut in, but he shushes me gently. I want to tell him that he is enough, but as I weigh the words, I’m not sure that it’s true. Squeezing his hands, I silently encourage him to go on.
“I thought I would be able to handle waiting. I watched the way you and Darío looked at each other that night in San Francisco, but I convinced myself that it was the start of your healing. And in so many ways, it was. You laugh more, you show affection more freely, but you’ve never been wholly in with me. It’s not your fault, Harlan. I saw all of it play out in front of me, but I was selfish.” He pauses as tears start to fall down his heartbroken face.
“Oliver,” I try once more. “Dare and I are just friends. And really, not even that. Not yet. I promise you, I’m not trying to pursue anything with him. Not like that,” I insist.
“I know that, baby. My behavior at the party was unfair to you. I can’t do this anymore, though. It’s not fair to either of us. You are capable of loving someone so completely, but that person isn’t me, and that’s ok.” He pulls me into his lap, continuing to cry. I wrap my arms around his neck, savoring theembrace as my own tears fall. “I will always, always be here for you.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper against his neck, because I am. This feels like another casualty of my inability to fully let Darío go. Regardless of what happens with Dare and me, I do know I can’t be what Oliver needs right now. “I hate that I can’t give you what you need. You’ve been so patient with me, Oli. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t worry about me, Harlan. I’ll be ok. We’ll both be ok.” He shifts to look at me before taking my mouth in a slow kiss. I return it, threading my fingers through his disheveled hair. Kissing Oliver has always felt nice, but it’s never been explosive. We both deserve an explosive type of love.
We sit in silence for a while, sharing space before he pats my thigh. “You need a shower. Are you working today?”
I release a quick laugh, because he’s not wrong. My skin feels sticky and gross now that the sweat has dried. “No, I’m off. When are you heading back to San Francisco?”
“Good, go get showered, and we’ll get breakfast. I'm working from here for a few days, catching up with my friend Adrian before heading back on Sunday morning. I figured I may as well make the cost of the last-minute flight worth it,” he teases.
I start to strip in my room before realizing that it’s probably no longer appropriate to get naked in front of him. I look at Oliver sheepishly and leave him in my room while I go for a quick shower. I use the time alone to let the entirety of the situation sink in. Would I have continued to try if he hadn’t called it off? I’m not sure. Oliver is safe. He provides stability, support, and levity, all of which helped me in immeasurable ways over the last few months. It feels so selfish to think of it that way. Therapy, Penny, my own efforts have all contributed, but I know Oli played a part in my healing.
I return to my room, wrapped only in a towel, and I’m met with a smirk from him. “Not sure if you want to watch me dress,” I joke. “I’m used to being naked in front of people, so…”
“You, my dear Harlan, are a menace,” he laughs, standing to leave. “If I stay, I’d be tempted to take you to bed. I’m not sure that’s the right choice for either of us.” He kisses my cheek softly as he exits.
Over breakfast, our conversation moves easily from one topic to the next. We avoid discussion of Darío, the future, and whether we’ll hear from each other again. I ask Oliver if he regrets our time together. “I will never regret you, sweet boy. You were honest with me all along, even if you didn’t say everything out loud. I learned a lot about myself and what I want in a relationship, and I believe that you learned the same. I’ll be a call or text away if you ever need me.”
With a promise to reach out the next time he’s in New York, and one from me if I find myself in San Francisco, I say goodbye to Oliver. He embraces me, and I hold on just a moment longer than needed. I check in with myself as I walk in the direction of Penny’s building and realize that I feel nothing but relief and hope for what the future holds for me. Being on my own for a while, now that I’m in a healthier place emotionally, is exactly what I need.
Penny isn’t home when I get back to her flat, so I sprawl on her sofa with my phone in hand. Before I can begin the doomscroll of social media, my phone pings with an email from the building manager of my new flat. I rush to open the message, hoping there aren’t any issues. I’m set to move in on the first of November, and I can’t handle a delay. I love my best friend, and I’m grateful for the place to stay, but I’d like to walk around naked at my leisure.
A quick scan of the message tells me that they have a unit opening up in just over a week, and they’d like to know if I wantan earlier move-in date. I don’t hesitate to fire a quick response, confirming that I am more than happy to sign an earlier lease. With that out of the way, I notify Shawn of the dates, to ensure I’m not scheduled for anything. When I’m done with that, I send a group text to Penelope and Wes.
Me
Moving to the new flat on the 15th. Halloween House Warming Party is happening on the 31st. xx
Pen
Oh thank Christ. My apartment is not big enough for the both of us. So excited for you, bestie. Wessy and I will handle everything.
Wes
FFS please stop calling me Wessy. Congratulations, Lan. Can’t wait to see it!
I smile at the exchange, gratitude filling my chest for my friends, who are always there to support and celebrate me. For the first time in a very long time, I feel content with where my life has taken me. It feels good to be home.
Whining wakesme from a deep sleep, and I let a heavy sigh loose without opening my eyes. Puppies are fun until you want to sleep in for once in your life. Craig isn’t in bed with me. I'm really glad I invested in puppy stairs for him so he can sleep in his open crate every night. The whining starts again in earnest, so I open one eye, trying to make sense of the room. I register the fact that the sun is barely up before I notice the puppy in question waiting not so patiently at the bedroom door.
“Ok, dude,” I grumble, rubbing the last of the sleep from my eyes. “I’m up. I hear you.” He lets out the most precious howl, making me feel like an asshole. I narrate everything I’m doing for this dog as I start our day. I’m willing to bet that’s not normal, but he seems to enjoy the one-sided conversation just fine. “Just let me take a piss and get dressed, and we’ll go for a walk.” He jumps at my words but doesn’t leave his spot in front of the door for fear that I’m going to change my mind.
When I’m done in the bathroom, I dig out a pair of joggers and a Scorpions hoodie, figuring we may as well go for a runin Prospect Park since we’re up. Maybe afterward, he’ll let me sleep. Craig can barely contain his excitement as I scoop him into my arms to take him downstairs. His butt is wiggling so quickly, I have to hold him with both arms so he doesn’t fall. I’m rewarded with excessive kisses all over my face for the trip downstairs. “You will let me go back to sleep when we’re done,” I inform him, as I collect his leash and poop bags.
It’s cold enough to see my breath as I exhale into the brisk October morning. Any lingering exhaustion is cured by a few deep inhales while we make our way to the park. Craig takes his time sniffing everything his nose can reach and peeing on every tree and bush we pass. Once we get close to the park, I put my earbuds in and pull up my workout playlist, hoping the music motivates me to run a bit. I’ve been slowly easing him into jogs with me, so he knows once we hit the designated walking paths, we’re going to pick up the pace. There are only a few other runners out at this hour of the morning, and so far, Craig is the only dog.
About a half mile in, I sense someone running up alongside me and keeping pace. I’m prepared to see a fan when I look to my left, but instead I’m met with a grinning, panting Harlan. Craig almost takes me out as he zooms in front of me to get to the intruder. Harlan stops abruptly, crouching down to say good morning to my traitorous dog.
“Good morning, sweet puppy! Are you enjoying your morning run? Ooof, thank you for the kisses! You are the sweetest baby.” He goes on and on while I stand there watching the two of them, and I can’t stop the smile that breaks loose.
“Oh, good morning, Harlan. So great to see you,” I mutter with an eye roll. He looks up at me with his mischievous blue eyes reflecting the soft light of the sunrise. His hair is a mess, and his cheeks are flushed from his run. I clock the short purpleshorts and Sea Scorpions hoodie that looks awfully familiar. “I was wondering where that hoodie went.”
