“It reminds me of Avery’s farm,” Julian observes. Avery is AJ’s younger sister. We’ve spent a lot of time at her farm upstate. Jules is particularly fond of the area, and he begs AJ to take him there often.
“It does,” I agree, parking next to a pickup truck by the detached garage.
“Cows!” Jules exclaims, as if the man has never seen a farm animal in his life. “Dare, there are cows! Do you think they’ll let me pet them?”
“I’m sure if you ask nicely,” I reply, as though I were speaking to a toddler instead of an adult. “Look, Jules. They have horses, too!” He flips me off and rushes out of the car, my laughter trailing him.
An older white woman is standing on the porch when we approach. She’s probably in her sixties, and she’s holding a wiggling corgi that is not Craig. “Hi, I’m Ann. You must be Darío,” she greets us, looking at me.
“Yes, I’m Darío. It’s so nice to meet you in person, Ann. This is my friend Julian.” I indicate Julian, who is staring at the cows with barely contained excitement.
“Can I pet your cows?” he asks, making me groan, but Ann thankfully laughs. His lack of filter is one of the more endearing things about him.
“Sure, they’re pretty friendly. They haven’t tried to attack anyone recently,” she deadpans. Julian’s eyes go wide, and Ann laughs harder. “They’re harmless. If you’d like to go meet the cows, I’ll take Darío to meet Craig.” She scratches the ears of the pup she’s holding, earning her a lick to the chin. “No kisses, Hot Wheels. Your breath stinks.”
“I’m sorry, did you just call that dog Hot Wheels?” Julian’s attention leaves the field and focuses on the squirming tri-color Corgi in Ann’s arms. “That is the coolest fu…fudging name for a dog. Dare, you should adopt Hot Wheels.” How bad would adopting two dogs be?
“Yes, his name is courtesy of my six-year-old grandson. He was supposed to be adopted today, but the application fell through. Come inside, I’ll introduce you to your pup.” Ann leads us through the house to a room toward the back. There are four corgis occupying the space. I immediately spot Craig sleeping in a dog bed by the window, while the other three tug on rope toys in the center of the hardwood floor. “Craig,” Ann coos, and he opens his one eye before charging across the floor, nails clacking loudly.
As I kneel on the floor, Craig doesn’t hesitate to launch himself into my lap with all the enthusiasm that corgis are known for. My heart feels ready to burst, looking at his sweet face as he eagerly tries to climb my torso to lick my face. “Where do I sign?” I smile at Ann, knowing that I will be bringing home my best friend today.
“Areyou sure you’re ok with this?” I ask Oliver as I apply makeup in the bathroom of his hotel suite. Julian’s party has been looming over me for the last few weeks since I got his text, and I’ve felt unsettled. I’m not sure if Oliver is feeling the same, or if I’m projecting my own convoluted emotions onto him.
“I promise you, I’m ok. You’re worrying too much. If you don’t want to go, we don’t have to. Unless you tell me I have something to be concerned with, I’m absolutely fine,” Oliver assures me. He snakes his arms around me, and I hum at the contact. “You look stunning as always, Harlan.” He plants a quick kiss on my cheek and retreats, allowing me to continue with my routine.
“I’m ok,” I tell him. Aside from the fact that I’m going to be in the house I used to share with Dare. Where we loved each other and eventually lost each other. The place where I broke his fucking heart. I can do hard things. Dare told me that. “You can do hard things, Harlan,” he said. I’m tired of doing hard things. It wasn’t possible to say no to Julian, though. We’ve talked quitea bit since I saw him in San Francisco. While Jules has forgiven me, things feel a bit more tentative with AJ. Earning his trust back is going to take time. I’ll do whatever it takes.
“Hurry up, beautiful boy. Penny is going to get annoyed if we’re late,” Oliver calls from the bedroom. I roll my eyes because Penny would probably die of shock if I were on time for something. Since we’re picking her up, I know that girl is getting ready on Harlan Time instead of whatever time Oliver told her we’d pick her up.
I decided to go light on the makeup tonight, settling for some concealer and a light powder foundation, a bit of eyeliner, and mascara. After I wrangle my hair into a stylish mess of well-defined curls on top of my head, I head to the bedroom dressed only in my black jockstrap. I feel Oliver’s heated gaze, so I can’t help but sway my hips a bit more, and bend over farther than is probably necessary, to get my clothes from my overnight bag. I have been traveling back and forth between Penny’s and the hotel, so I’m living out of luggage everywhere at the moment.
I choose a pair of camo cargo pants and a thin, open-knit black sweater with nothing underneath. It’s still warm enough that I shouldn’t freeze. Once I slide on my Vans, I look at Oliver, who has watched quietly from the bed. He’s in distressed jeans and a black Henley. Instead of contacts, he has his glasses on, and they have my cock perking up. “You look hot, babe,” I tell him as I straddle his lap and kiss him.
“Not nearly as hot as you, but you need to get off me, or we won’t be leaving this hotel,” he chides, lifting me off his lap, and planting me on my feet. “Text Penelope and let her know we’ll be there soon.” Unease bubbles in my belly as we head to the car.You can do hard things, Harlan.I guess we’re about to find out if that’s true. I fire off a text to my bestie, impressed that we’ll only be thirty minutes late picking her up.
When we approach my old street, the unease turns into sharp discomfort. I focus on my breathing, staring out the window at the familiar homes. Pen gives Oliver directions when she realizes that I’m not speaking up. I haven’t even seen the house yet, and I’m ready to bolt.I can’t do hard things, Darío. See?
Oliver manages to find a decent parking spot not far from Darío’s, and just like that, we’re on the pavement. Penny steps in front of me and grabs my arms. “Are you sure you’re ok with this?” I nod, instead of attempting to speak. “The moment you want to leave, say the word, and we’re out. Jules will understand.” She hands me the gift bag with rum that I have for Julian and links her arm in mine. With Oliver following closely behind us, we climb the steps to the front door. Penny rings the doorbell. It feels so wrong to be ringing the bell of the home I called mine for over two years.
AJ opens the front door, a polite smile crossing his face when he sees us. “Hey, Lan.” He pulls me into a hug and kisses my cheek before greeting Penelope with slightly more enthusiasm. Oliver steps up to shake AJ’s hand and does some weird bro-hug thing. “JULES,” AJ shouts into the house, but I’m not sure how anyone will hear him over the music pumping throughout.
Julian appears as AJ ushers us into the foyer. Just like every other time, he lifts me off the ground and spins me. “Thank you for coming, Harlan!” I hand him my gift when he sets me down and step aside so he can say hi to Penelope and Oliver. “Drinks are in the kitchen, and there’s pizza and some other food on the dining room table if you’re hungry. Most of the team is in the basement playing Mario Kart, but make yourselves at home.” The moment the words leave his mouth, he cringes. “Fuck, Lan…”
“It’s fine,” I say gently. “We’ll grab drinks and say hi to everyone. Thank you for inviting us.” He looks horrified, so I plant a kiss on his cheek. “Don’t freak out, birthday boy. I’m fine,I swear.” He smiles sheepishly before greeting a few other people I vaguely recognize who came in behind us.
“Fucking Julian,” Pen grumbles. “Let’s get drinks and check out the food.” She leads the way to the kitchen. Oliver keeps his hand on my lower back as we enter, and the contact keeps me grounded. There are cups and buckets of ice taking up all of the counter space, along with bottles of every kind of mixer imaginable. Pen opens one of the coolers on the floor, revealing beers, hard ciders, and various other bottles of alcohol. I open another one, choosing a bottle of water. Drinking alcohol is probably a bad idea tonight.
“I can drive tonight if you want to drink,” I tell Oliver as I lean against his chest. “I’m going to stick to water.” He shakes his head, reaching for his own bottle of water.
With our drinks in hand, we make our way to the dining room, where people are gathered in small groups, talking and laughing. I recognize a few of the Scorpions, so I leave Oliver with Pen to get food while I say hi. Standing in a room that I decorated and ate countless meals in is really fucking with my head. I try to ignore the memories forcing their way to the forefront of my mind. It seems that Dare didn’t tell the team the whole truth about our breakup. I know Jules and AJ know, but as I chat with the guys, they seem to think it was a mutual thing because of the move.
I field questions about my return to Brooklyn, and whether or not I’m going to get back together with Darío. I search out Oliver, hoping that he hasn’t overheard anything, but he’s no longer in the room. Pen is missing, too, so my guess is they’re together.Thanks for leaving me, fuckers. I politely excuse myself to go find my traitorous best friend and my boyfriend. Trying to leave this room is proving difficult as people come in search of food. I’m guessing this is why they’ve abandoned me.
My anxiety is starting to spike when I don’t see Penny or Oliver. I don’t think about it when I see the stairs before I start climbing them. Breath whooshes from my lungs when I inhale the scent of Darío as soon as I hit the landing. The spare room, where I stayed the last few weeks I was here, beckons me. I must be out of my mind. I briefly glance at his bedroom door before slipping into the spare room. The bedding is different, but everything else is very much the same. Sitting on the bed, I lower my head to my hands as the tears start to fall. I shouldn’t have fucking come here. “I can’t fucking do this,” I announce to no one.
If I thought the memories hurt downstairs, it’s nothing compared to the crushing reminder of how I spent my last night in this room. It was the last time Darío held me. It was when he told me I had to go, and that he loved me. When he told me he forgave me for the biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I remember the way I cried as he came inside me for the last time. So many lasts that it steals my breath.
The doorknob turning startles me. Before I can move, Dare is standing in the doorway, looking like he’s seen a ghost. I guess I kind of am. “Harlan,” he says. His eyes are glassy. The beer in his hand is almost empty. He steps further into the room, closing the door behind him. “Did you come in here for the memories? I do that sometimes. I didn’t for so long, and by the time I did, the smell of your shampoo was gone. I’ve actually considered buying it just so I could smell you sometimes.” Jesus, he’s wasted. I don’t know if I’m strong enough for this.
