I take a deep breath, giving myself a beat before I respond. “I’m sorry, babe. The heat was fucking with my head today, and I was out of it in the ambulance.” The lie tastes bitter on my tongue. I may have been out of it, but it was Harlan who came to mind, and that makes me a huge piece of shit. “I just got back to the hotel a few minutes ago.”
“It would have been nice to hear from you. Instead, I had to explain to my mother that I had no idea what was happening. I don’t want to fight with you, but it just feels like something I should have heard from you.” His voice is softer now. It feels like I’m forever disappointing him. Of course he should have heard it from me. I’m his fucking boyfriend.
“Har—Jasper…” I realize what I’ve just said, but it’s too late. The pain meds are kicking in, and I’m starting to feel loopy. Fucking Harlan needs to get out of my head.
He barks out a humorless laugh. “Harlan, huh? I guess that explains why you didn’t call me. If you remember, you can call me when you get home. Good night,Dare.” With that, the line goes dead.
I fall asleep quickly after that, still holding my phone, and my dreams are a convoluted mess of Harlan and Jasper. Nothing makes sense as one dream fades into another. When I wake, I decide that I can’t take those pain pills before bed. It takes several minutes for the effects of the dreams to fade. I check my phone for messages from Jasper, but while I have texts from abunch of the guys and my sister, there’s nothing from him. I send him a text apologizing, but by the time we’re on the bus heading to the airport, I haven’t heard anything.
I’ve been home for more than a week, and Jasper has ignored every message and my incessant calls. I even showed up at his apartment, but he wasn’t home. I had flowers sent to his office, and he still ignored me. With little hope that it will make a difference, I decide to send another text.
Me
I know you’re mad and I get it. I’m really sorry, baby. I just wish you’d talk to me.
Jasper
I’m not sure what you want me to say, Darío. Between Harlan’s phone call and then you calling me his name, it feels like you’re still not over him. I can’t compete with that.
Me
It’s not a competition, Jas. YOU are my boyfriend, not Harlan. I was high on pain pills. Can we please talk? Come over tonight?
Jasper
Fine. I’ll be there at 7.
Me
I’ll make dinner.
I didnotmake dinner. It turns out that cooking with one hand is not easy. After almost burning my hand on the stove making rice, I decide to order takeout from Jasper’s favorite Chinese restaurant. I guess delivery is going to be a lot more common while I’m healing. At least the pain is manageable now, but I’m already dying to get the cast off.
At just after seven, Jasper walks through the door. I’m on my feet the moment I hear the handle, rushing to meet him in the foyer. His hazel eyes are guarded as he takes me in. As much as I want to pull him into my arms, I need to respect whatever boundaries he has in place, so I pause a few paces from him. “Hey, Jas,” I greet him, contrite.
He closes the space between us, wrapping his arms around my waist. I exhale with relief at the contact. “Hey,” he mumbles into my chest. We stand there for several long moments before he finally pulls back and looks at me. “I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you. I’ve just been trying to figure some things out, and I think we both needed the space.” He runs his hands through his hair nervously.
“Please don’t apologize. Listen, I tried to cook dinner, but the cast makes everything difficult, so I hope you’re in the mood for Chinese,” I say sheepishly. His eyes light up just like I’d hoped they would. “Come, let’s eat. We can talk over dinner.”
He laces his fingers with mine, leading us to the dining room where the food sits. “You ordered so much,” he observes as he takes in the excessive number of containers spread out on the table. He’s not wrong. I definitely went a bit overboard with my choices.
“Yes, well, I wasn’t sure what you were in the mood for. Plus, leftovers will be helpful since I apparently can’t cook for the foreseeable future,” I joke. He treats me to a small smile, which feels like a big win after almost a week of ignoring me. I grab the plates I set out, and we fill them with a variety of the optionslaid out for us. I’m beginning to realize that this is probably too much, even with a plan to eat leftovers.
We eat in silence for a bit before he speaks. “Darío, I want so much for this to work. I know we talked about your history with Harlan, and I’m doing my best to respect that. I just need you to be honest with me about where we stand.”
“I’m here with you, Jas. I really was fucked up with the pain pills.” When he starts to cut me off, I hold my hand up to stop him from speaking. “Before you say anything, I know it doesn’t change the impact that it had on you. You have every right to be upset by that. I would be, too.” I need him to understand that I get it. “I’m not sure what else I can say,” I tell him quietly.
He considers me for a while as we continue to eat. After taking a slow sip of water, he reaches for my hand across the table. “I believe you; I’m just scared I’m going to end up hurt when you finally untangle your feelings about the breakup.” He runs his fingers gently over mine on my casted hand.
I’m not sure I’ll ever untangle my feelings about what happened. Jasper doesn’t need to know that, though. It’s not his burden to carry, and I don’t want that hanging over his head while we work through this. “There’s always a risk for someone getting hurt, Jasper. I know we’re going at my pace here, but I’m focused on us. I wish I could tell you that what happened with Harlan didn’t fuck me up.”
He nods, understanding shining in his eyes. “I get it. I think maybe we need to slow down a bit more. I’d still like to see you, but I don’t think you’re ready for an actual relationship right now, and that’s ok. Maybe we need something a bit more casual while you deal with your feelings.”
After we eat, he thanks me for dinner before telling me he’s going to go home. I can sense the disappointment and hurt radiating from him as I walk him to the door. He promises that I’ll see him again before he kisses my cheek and steps outside.His decision stings, but he’s not wrong. He needs to protect his heart. I wish I could protect my own.
“Hey, beautiful boy,”Oliver croons into the phone. I’m in bed, and I decided to check in with him before I fall asleep. “I miss you so much.” It’s been over two months since I met him at the club. We went on a few dates before he returned to the States and spent most nights on the phone for weeks before he flew back to London to see me in May.
“I miss you, too,” I admit. It’s been three weeks since I saw him last. We still haven’t labeled whatever this is, and I’m not in a rush to do that. It’s been nice getting to know him. He’s nice. The sex is nice. Everything is…nice.I do miss him. We have a lot of fun together, he’s easy to talk to. Everything with him feels easy. Not in the way it did with Darío, but still, easy is what I need. I’m not ready for anything serious, and he’s been supportive about going at my pace.
