Honestly, there was no way I could explain this situation to my grandmother without sounding like both a slut and a complete lunatic because part of me had enjoyed the blindfolded punishment and reward sessions with Ben just as much as I’d enjoyed that one special night of lovemaking with ‘Jacob’.
“Men usually are.” She squeezed my fingers. “But judging by that blush on your face, I don’t need to know all the details, so maybe tell me the church-appropriate version, instead.”
A broken laugh escaped me.
“How do you always know everything?”
“Because I’ve lived long enough to recognize heartbreak when it walks in wearing my favorite granddaughter’s face.”
I clapped a hand over my mouth to stifle a laugh.
“Don’t let Alice hear you say that. She’ll never let me hear the end of it.”
Granny clicked her tongue and patted my hand.
“Alice is a spoiled brat, and she has a whole lot to learn about life, sweetheart. Don’t get me wrong. She’s my granddaughter and I love her, but I call it like I see it.”
“You’re not wrong,” I exhaled shakily.
“Being right is a grandmother’s prerogative. Now, stop stalling and tell me what happened.”
“He lied to me,” I whispered. “About everything. Who he was. Why he wanted me close. He built this whole… elaborate game… just to get me in his orbit. Watched me for years. Pretended to be someone else so I’d let him in. The list goes on.”
Granny didn’t flinch. She just listened, thumb stroking slow circles over my knuckles like she’d done when I was little and afraid of storms.
“Cut straight to the heart of the problem, baby girl. Tell me the part that has you looking like a puffy-eyed train wreck.”
“I fell for the man he pretended to be,” I said. “And I fell for the real him too, even when he scared me… and I think I hate that most of all. He pretended to be two completely different people, played me like a fiddle, and I wanted both of them.”
She was quiet for a long moment.
“Did he hurt you, Chrissy?”
“No.” The word came out fierce. “Not physically, not really. He didn’t do anything I didn’t want him to do, at the time. Besides that, he protected me when it mattered. Risked his life for me, even, but my life wouldn’t have been in danger in the first place if it weren’t for him and his stupid Game. But… his lies and manipulation still broke something inside me.”
I couldn’t tell her about the barn, the shovel, the blood on the icy concrete floor. Some truths were too ugly for this room, and as strange as it seemed, I didn’t want her to think badly of Ben for killing the men who’d tried to hurt me.
“Have you considered that maybe he wasn’t pretending to be someone else… that maybe he was showing you two different sides of himself, and that’s why you wanted them both?”
“Even if that’s true, it doesn’t matter. I told him I never wanted to see him again, and he let me go,” I said instead. “He gave me the prize money I would have gotten if I’d won his game and told me I was free, like that was supposed to make everything that had happened between us okay.”
Granny’s lips pressed together.
“You’re not really angry that he lied to you or manipulated you, baby girl.”
“Um… I’m pretty sure those things are exactly what I’m mad about, Granny,” I argued.
“No, they’re not. What you’re really mad about is the fact that he didn’t fight for you, or chase you down and try to make it right. I can read you like an open book, baby girl, and what you’re really stuck on is wondering: if he really wanted me as badly as he claimed, why didn’t he fight to keep me? You have wounds around feeling unwanted because your parents both worked 24/7 when you were a kiddo and left me to raise you for them, and those wounds have you feeling like if you really meant so much to him, he’d fight for you. Tell me I’m wrong, I dare you.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but the only thing that came out was an indignant squeak that turned into a half-choked sob.
“I can’t.”
“I know you can’t.” Granny smiled and patted my hand. “Sometimes the only honest thing a scared man knows how to do is step out of the way and stand down.”
“That’s not enough,” I snapped, my anger flaring. “I deserved the truth from the start, and if he couldn’t give me that, he could have at least fought for another chance with me.”
“You did, and you still do,” she agreed without hesitation. “You deserve honesty and safety and someone who chooses you every day, even when it’s hard. But love isn’t always fair, baby. Sometimes it’s both stubborn and blind.”
