“That’s different.”
“How?” Her voice rises slightly before she catches herself, brings it back down to a harsh whisper. “How is that different? You think I’m not tearing myself apart? You think I don’t replay every second, every choice, every moment I could have done something different?”
“You were the victim,” I say. “You were taken. Used as bait. That’s not the same as?—”
“As what? As being the tactical lead, who should have anticipated this?” She’s angry now, the exhaustion giving way to frustration. “You think you’re the only one who’s responsible? I’m the one who fell for the deepfake. I’m the one who left mychildren to meet a fake video call. I’m the one who got in that vehicle with Marcus. I’m the reason Silas is with Aria right now.”
“That’s not?—”
“It is!” She’s whisper-yelling now, trying to keep her voice down so she doesn’t wake the house, but unable to contain the emotion. “It is my fault, Jace. And you sitting here telling me I need to rest, telling me Silas wouldn’t want this? That doesn’t help. That doesn’t change the fact that he’s with her because of choices I made.”
“You didn’t choose this,” I say, my own voice rising to match hers. “Aria did. Ryan did. They built this trap specifically to catch you. To use your love for us against you. That’s not your fault.”
“Then why does it feel like it is?” Her voice breaks. “Why do I feel like I should have known better? Should have been smarter? Should have?—”
“Because you love him,” I say. “And love makes us stupid. Makes us vulnerable. Makes us willing to believe things we’d never believe otherwise.”
She goes quiet. Stares at me.
“Is that what you tell yourself?” she asks softly. “When you lock it all down? When you force yourself to be tactical instead of emotional? That love makes you weak?”
“Love makes you compromised,” I correct. “In the field, emotional attachment gets people killed. You hesitate. You make choices based on feeling instead of logic. You?—”
“You become human,” Parker interrupts. “You become someone who cares about more than just the mission. Someone who has something to fight for beyond duty.”
“And that’s a liability.”
“Is it?” She shifts closer. “Or is it the only thing that makes any of this worth it?”
I don’t have an answer. Because she’s right and she’s wrong and I don’t know how to reconcile the two.
“I’ve loved you since we were kids,” I say, and I don’t know why I’m saying it now, in this moment, but the words come anyway. “Since before I understood what love was supposed to be. And I watched you love Silas and Cal the same way you loved me, and I told myself it was enough. That being one of three was better than being nothing to you.”
“You were never nothing to me,” she says.
“Maybe not. But sometimes it feels like I’m the backup plan. The steady one. The one you lean on when the others aren’t there.”
“That’s not true.”
“Isn’t it?” I look at her. “Cal makes you laugh. Helps you build furniture, and teaches you to code, and turns everything into an adventure. Silas makes you feel seen. Like you could rob a bank and he’d ask what you want for dinner, like it’s just another Tuesday. But me?” I shake my head. “I’m the one who tells you to rest. Who plans the tactics. Who keeps everything running.”
“You’re the one who makes me brave. You’re the one who made me consider the consequences. You’re the one who taught me to be strong and that’swhat me helped keep Liam and Noah safe for the years I was away.”
I’m frozen to the spot, a haze thickening around my peripheral until it’s only her. Just her.
“You’re the one who won’t let me lie to myself. Who won’t let me make excuses or run away from hard things.” She pauses. “Cal makes me laugh, yes. Silas makes me feel like all my chaos is normal. But you, Jace? You make mecourageous. You make me believe I can do impossible things. That I’m strong enough to face what terrifies me.”
The words hit harder than I expect. Settle somewhere in my chest that’s been empty for too long.
“You are strong enough,” I say.
“So are you,” she counters. “You’re allowed to be terrified. You’re allowed to be angry that this happened. You’re allowed to want to burn Aria’s entire operation to the ground for taking him.”
“I do want that,” I admit. “I want to make her pay for this in ways that would horrify most people.”
“Good,” Parker says. “Hold onto that. Use it. But don’t use it to lock everything else down. Don’t use it as an excuse to stop feeling.”
We sit in silence for a while. The forest around us is still and quiet. The cabin behind us is full of sleeping soldiers waiting for war.
