But now, staring at my brother’s worried face, survival felt a lot like betrayal. Because for the first time, I wanted to tell it all. And I didn’t know how.
Hell, I was too scared. Blake’s and Ryker’s feelings for me were the only thing anchoring me from shattering completely, and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing that.
“Ryker is a great lawyer,” Blake said, switching tactics when I didn’t elaborate. “Whatever happened tonight, he’ll do everything he can to help you. There’s no one I’d trust more.”
Ryker. Just his name made my pulse do that stupid stuttering thing. Over the last few weeks, I’d grown to enjoy my time with him more than I cared to admit. More than was safe to admit.
When I’d show up to hang out with Blake and his friends, I’d find myself looking for Ryker’s car outside first, feeling disappointed if it wasn’t there and stupidly, ridiculously elated if it was. Like my heart had developed its own GPS system, always searching for him, pinging when he was near.
He seemed tender beneath all that control. Reserved but watching. And, God, the watching. I couldn’t count the number of times I’d look up to find his eyes locked with mine, dark and intense, sending my heartbeat into a frenzy that probably required medical attention. He was handsome as hell too. All sharp angles and deliberate movements. I loved the tattoos peeking out from under his shirt, wanted to trace them with my fingers, then my tongue.
And, oh my word, those special moments we’d shared that no one else knew about. Feeling his skin against mine. His tongue between my thighs. The way he’d looked at me, like I was his everything.
Having Ryker entangled in this nightmare felt like watching something beautiful wither and blacken before it ever had a chance to fully bloom.
“Do you ever wonder what would’ve happened if Mom and Dad hadn’t died?” The words escaped before I could stop them.
Blake put his hand on my knee over the blanket. “Don’t go there, Faith. We can’t rewrite the past.”
“I’m not wallowing,” I said a little too defensively. He didn’t know me as well as brothers and sisters should know each other, but trust me, I did not wallow. Or self-pity. This was reflecting. “I just … do you ever wonder if there’s a moment in everybody’s life that completely changes their trajectory?”
That leads to, say, waking up in a hospital room, waiting to find out if you might have murdered someone.
The words hung in the air like toxic smoke.
“I don’t remember much about the first five years of my life,” I admitted. “But I remember Mom’s perfume. Something with vanilla.” I smiled despite everything. “And those gold earrings thatused to jingle when she walked. I thought they were the coolest earrings in the whole world, and she promised me that when I turned sixteen, she’d let me get my ears pierced and give me those earrings.”
Warmth spread through my chest at the memory, precious and painful.
“I remember how Dad would fall asleep in the recliner, watching TV, and Mom would kiss the tip of his nose to wake him up. She used to kiss the tip of my nose every night before bed too. And Dad ate breakfast with me every morning, no matter how busy he was. Cheerios with too much sugar.”
“Sounds like you remember a lot,” Blake said softly.
My eyes burned. “Not nearly as much as I want to. Mostly, I remember feeling happy and safe, and then that entire feeling got ripped away when that officer showed up to tell us they’d been in a wreck.”
Blake studied me, squeezing my knee, perhaps in an attempt to remind me I wasn’t alone. “Do you remember that first night in our foster home? Before we got separated?”
I nodded, throat tight. “I came to your room because I just wanted to go home.”
“It broke my heart,” Blake admitted, his face falling into old pain. “You were this little five-year-old girl, and no matter how many times we’d explained it to you that day, it just didn’t sink in. You came to my room that night and said you just wanted to go home. And I had to be the one to break your heart and tell you for the final time that we were never going home.”
“Never again,” I remembered, the words feeling like shards of glass in my throat. “But you let me crawl into your bed and sleep next to you. I felt like as long as I was with you, maybe everything would be okay.”
Blake swallowed. “I know I’ve told you this before, but I’m so sorry for what happened to you.” Blake’s voice was heavy with guilt.
“Stop.” I held up my hand. “It’s not your fault.”
“I was your big brother. I was supposed to protect you.”
“You did protect me. You saved my damn life, Blake.”
“I traumatized you in the process.”
I met his eyes. “He was killing me. It’s not like you could call a time-out and ask me to step outside while you handled business.”
“I shouldn’t have kept hitting him in front of you.”
“What were you supposed to do? Let him finish the job?” I shook my head. “You saved my life, and then you went on to save other people’s lives every single day. You became this incredible doctor, and I’m so proud of you, I could burst.”
