We both know what she means bydecisions,but my mind rears back from it. Within seconds of realizing I was carrying this life I knew I was going to keep the baby, no matter what.
"Well, shit. This is a lot." I put my hand over my mouth, trying to stifle a sob.
"This yearhasbeen pretty fucked up for you," she agrees. "So, this tracks." She's silent for a moment. "I can't tell if you're happy crying or sad crying."
"It's mostly happy crying," I say. "I don't know if there's stunned crying but if there is, I'm doing some of that too."
"When are you coming home?" she asks.
"In two days. We have a funeral to attend tomorrow. Three of the Morozov guards were killed a few days ago. Dmitri will represent the family as the almost-Pakhanand-"
Oh,shit.Does that mean they expect me to act as thePakhan'swife? Is there a title for that?
"That's sad," she commiserates. "Don't worry about the spotting, that's not particularly unusual at this stage in the pregnancy, unless it becomes heavy enough to require a pad, and then you'll need a doctor. One other than yourself."
"I'm a Physician's Assistant," I correct automatically.
"What do you need from me right now? I can overnight you Cheez-Its and Pepsi."
My thoughts are circling each other madly and I take a deep breath. "I'm just going to focus for a while. On this one thing. Maybe make a list on my phone."
"I'm here for whatever you decide. You know that," she says. "But if you do decide to make the whole wedding thing permanent and move into the master bedroom in Dmitri's penthouse, could you ask him if my mother-in-law can have his guest room?"
I howl with laughter, remembering Dmitri's expression when I'd joked with him about sub-letting his extra bedrooms when I first moved in. "He would rather buy your mother-in-law her very own apartment building."
"Good to know. You're going to need to start prenatal vitamins right away," she says, suddenly business-like. "And you'll need a scan as soon as you come back."
"Thank you, Priya. I love you," I sniffle. "You're the sister I never had."
"You have three sisters," she says.
"Like I said, the sister I never had," I agree.
"I'm hanging up," she laughs. "I love you. Go focus."
I sit on the edge of the tub, putting my hand lightly on my stomach.
At four months, the fetus has a fully functioning nervous system. Eyelashes and ears,I think.Muscle development means the mother might feel the first flutters of movement.
"Hey, baby. I'm just as surprised as you are," I whisper. "I'm so happy, though, that you're here."
***
Dmitri insists on being extra charming that night at dinner.
"Here, you must try this." He loads some caviar on a cracker. "This is Golden ImperialOsetracaviar. See how the pearls are pale to dark?"
Leaning in, I open my mouth to take the bite and his eyes darken. The delicate little eggs explode on my tongue, smooth, a bit briny.
"I'm going to have to stop hand-feeding you," he says regretfully. "I'm so hard right now that I'm surprised I'm not lifting this corner of the table."
I almost spray fish eggs out my nose, trying to smother a laugh.
There's something animated about him tonight. He loves St. Petersburg, that's clear. He cares about his people here.
Would he care about a baby? Did he want children? Not in the abstract, "Oh, I must have heirs," but right now? He would be patient with a child, I think. He would never hit them or tell them they were stupid.
He tells me about Bratva funeral traditions, and coaches me on how to say "I'm sorry for your loss" in Russian. When he shifts, reaching for his glass, I see a big red mark on his left forearm.
